How to bring back intimacy in a marriage…
Monday, February 26, 2024.
It’s a well-known fact that, as time passes, couples may feel distant, disconnected, and longing to rediscover the spark that once ignited their relationship…
As a couples therapist, I have witnessed firsthand the challenges couples face in maintaining intimacy over time.
However, through Tali Sharot's insights on habituation, we can explore innovative interventions to bring back intimacy in marriage…
Understanding Habituation…
Tali Sharot, a renowned cognitive neuroscientist, delves into the phenomenon of habituation, which refers to the diminishing response to repeated stimuli over time. In the context of relationships, habituation manifests as the fading excitement and passion that couples initially experience. As partners become accustomed to one another's presence and routines, the thrill of novelty diminishes, leading to a plateau in intimacy.
Interventions to Combat Habituation:
Couples can benefit from implementing targeted interventions to counteract the effects of habituation and reignite intimacy.
These interventions are culled from conventional couples therapy practice.
I’ve curated them here as effective ways to introduce novelty, foster emotional connection, and prioritize the relationship amidst the busyness of everyday life. Let's delve into some practical strategies for curbing habituation inspired by Sharot's insights:
Couples Therapy Interventions:
Cultivate Gratitude…
Encouraging partners to express gratitude towards each other can be a powerful antidote to habituation. Regularly acknowledging and appreciating each other's contributions, whether big or small, fosters a sense of connection and deepens emotional intimacy. For example, couples can establish a daily gratitude ritual, where they verbally express gratitude or jot down notes of appreciation for each other's actions. This is why Gottman emphasizes the importance of “small things often.” Remember, math has neither bias nor pity.
Embrace Novelty…
Incorporating novel experiences into the relationship can disrupt the monotony of habituation and inject excitement back into the marriage. Couples can explore new hobbies together, plan spontaneous outings, or surprise each other with unexpected gestures.
By dancing outside their comfort zones and embracing novelty, partners can create memorable experiences that strengthen their bond.
Prioritize Quality Time…
Amidst the demands of work, family, and other obligations, couples often neglect quality time together, gradually eroding intimacy. Setting aside dedicated time for meaningful interactions is crucial for nurturing intimacy. Whether it's a weekly date night, a technology-free evening, or a weekend getaway, prioritizing uninterrupted time allows couples to reconnect and deepen their emotional bond.
Foster Open Communication…
Effective communication serves as the cornerstone of a healthy and intimate relationship. Couples should strive to create a safe and supportive environment where they can openly express their thoughts, feelings, and desires. Active listening, empathy, and vulnerability cultivate intimacy by fostering mutual understanding and emotional connection.
Rekindle Physical Intimacy…
Physical intimacy plays a vital role in maintaining closeness and connection between partners. However, habituation can dampen the excitement and spontaneity of physical affection over time. Couples can reignite the flame by prioritizing physical intimacy, exploring new techniques, and openly communicating their desires. Experimenting with intimacy-enhancing activities such as massage, sensual touch, or role-playing can infuse passion back into the relationship.
Unraveling the Dynamics of Habituation…
Tali Sharot's research delves into the fascinating realm of human cognition, shedding light on habituation—a process whereby individuals' responses to repeated stimuli diminish over time.
In the context of relationships, habituation manifests as the gradual acclimatization to one's partner, leading to a decline in the intensity of emotions and the novelty that once characterized the relationship's early stages.
This phenomenon poses a formidable challenge to sustaining intimacy within marriages as partners navigate the complexities of familiarity and the quest for novelty.
Insights from Sharot's work illuminate the neural mechanisms underpinning habituation, highlighting the role of the brain's reward system in processing novel stimuli.
Over time, as individuals become accustomed to a stimulus, the brain's response diminishes, resulting in a decreased emotional impact.
This neurological adaptation mirrors the dynamics observed in long-term relationships, where partners may experience a waning of excitement and passion as familiarity sets in.
In many respects, the problem of habituation is the mother of all discontent…
Interventions Informed by Sharot's Insights…
Drawing upon Sharot's insights on habituation, couples can embark on a transformative journey to revitalize intimacy within their marriage.
These interventions are grounded in the principles of cognitive neuroscience, leveraging the brain's capacity for plasticity to reignite passion, foster emotional connection, and transcend the constraints of habituation. Let us delve into a comprehensive array of strategies designed to rejuvenate intimacy within marital relationships:
Neuroplasticity-Based Interventions…
Harnessing the principles of neuroplasticity, couples can embark on a journey of intentional rewiring, sculpting neural pathways that underpin emotional connection and intimacy.
Through mindfulness practices, cognitive reframing, and neurofeedback techniques, partners can cultivate a heightened awareness of their emotional responses, fostering empathy and deepening their bond.
Sensory Exploration and Novelty…
Neuroscience tells us that embracing sensory exploration is a potent antidote to habituation, reigniting the senses and kindling passion within the relationship.
Couples can embark on sensory adventures, exploring new tastes, textures, and sensations together. From culinary escapades to tactile experiences, the pursuit of novelty awakens dormant pathways, infusing the relationship with excitement and vitality.
Embodied Practices for Intimacy…
Engaging in embodied practices offers couples a pathway to reconnect with their physical selves and reignite the flame of intimacy.
Through practices such as partner yoga, dance, and somatic experiencing, partners can attune to each other's bodies, fostering a deeper sense of connection and intimacy. By transcending the confines of verbal communication, embodied practices unveil a realm of nonverbal intimacy, where gestures, touch, and presence speak volumes.
Narrative Reconstruction…
Delving into the narrative fabric of the relationship, couples can embark on a journey of narrative reconstruction, reframing their shared story through a lens of gratitude, resilience, and growth.
Drawing upon principles from narrative therapy, partners co-create a narrative that honors their shared history while infusing it with renewed meaning and purpose. By reclaiming agency over their narrative, couples forge a deeper sense of cohesion and intimacy, transcending the constraints of habituation.
Erotic Intelligence and Erotic Mindfulness…
Cultivating erotic intelligence invites couples to explore the intricate tapestry of desire, pleasure, and intimacy within their relationship.
Through practices such as erotic mindfulness, erotic mapping, and conscious sensuality, partners embark on a journey of self-discovery and mutual exploration.
By cultivating a mindful presence in the realm of eroticism, couples deepen their connection, transcending habitual patterns and embracing the full spectrum of intimacy.
Final Thoughts
Intimacy is hard. But when it works well, intimacy serves as a guiding beacon—a testament to the depth of connection and the resilience of love for the humans in your life who deeply matter.
Through the lens of Tali Sharot's insights on habituation, couples can embark on a transformative journey of renewal, transcending the constraints of familiarity and reigniting the flame of intimacy within their relationship.
By embracing neuroplasticity, sensory exploration, embodied practices, narrative reconstruction, and erotic intelligence, partners unlock the hidden potential within their relationship, forging a bond that withstands the test of time.
Neuroscience can not only explain the dynamics of habituation, it also provides the specific knowledge of how to curb and contain the toxic impact of positive habituation.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Sharot, T. (2011). The optimism bias: A tour of the irrationally positive brain. Vintage.
Sharot, T., Korn, C. W., & Dolan, R. J. (2011). How unrealistic optimism is maintained in the face of reality. Nature Neuroscience, 14(11), 1475–1479. https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.2949
Sharot, T., Riccardi, A. M., Raio, C. M., & Phelps, E. A. (2007). Neural mechanisms mediating optimism bias. Nature, 450(7166), 102–105. https://doi.org/10.1038/nature06286
