How Long Does It Take for Marriage Counseling to Work? (And Will You Still Be Married by Then?)

Saturday, August 17, 2024

When it comes to marriage counseling, one of the burning questions couples often have is, “How long dies it take for marriage counseling to work before we see some results?”

After all, if you’re diving into the deep waters of therapy, you want to know when you can expect to come up for air and breathe a little easier.

The short answer is that the timeline varies depending on a host of factors, but let’s dig deeper into what the research says.

Spoiler alert: it’s not going necessarily going to be a quick fix, but the journey is worth it.

The Early Signs of Progress: When You’ll Start to Feel Better

According to research by John Gottman—a giant in the field of marital stability—couples often begin to notice improvements after just a few sessions, particularly when they experience what he calls “micro-moments” of positivity (Gottman & Silver, 2015). That’s why, as a science-based couples therapist, I tend to hit the ground running hard, looking for wins from low-hanging fruit.

These small but significant changes often manifest as increased empathy, more frequent expressions of affection, and a reduction in the frequency and intensity of conflicts. As Gottman notes, “The success of a relationship is determined by the frequency of everyday moments of connection rather than grand gestures.”

Small things. Often.

Healthy couples, by the way, have a tell in early therapy. Once they decide to do some serious science-based couples therapy, they instinctively slow down their aggression and seek more respectful and productive interactions.

This often produces a week or two of an interrupted toxic pattern. Sometimes, I’m lucky enough to hear them describe this with benign bewilderment at the start of our work together.

Research supports this notion. A study by Lebow et al. (2012) found that couples who engage in therapy typically start to feel more understood and supported by their partners within 4 to 6 sessions.

This is often when they first notice a shift from constant conflict to more collaborative interactions.

As the study highlights, “Couples who report feeling understood by their therapist and each other early on are more likely to experience positive outcomes in therapy” (Lebow, Chambers, Christensen, & Johnson, 2012). In other words, a science-based couples therapist models validation, but might language it with precision.

Tailoring the Approach: Different Therapies, Different Timelines

The type of therapy you and your partner engage in might also somewhat shape the timeline for noticing results.

For example, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which focuses on building secure emotional bonds, claims to show significant improvements in 70-75% of couples within 8 to 20 sessions (Johnson, 2004).

EFT’s success lies in its ability to help couples reconnect emotionally, with studies showing that couples often report feeling more connected and less distressed after just a few sessions (Johnson, 2004).

However, I’ve heard some concerns about couples' distress levels in some EFT studies, which might lead to some mild skepticism about the velocity of improvement. But I can assure you EFT is a fabulously effective model of couples therapy.

On the other hand, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviors, tends to produce results within 10 to 15 sessions (Baucom, Epstein, & LaTaillade, 2002).

Research by Baucom et al. (2002) found that couples who engage in CBT often experience a reduction in negative communication patterns and an improvement in problem-solving skills within the first few sessions. The study notes, “CBT’s structured approach helps couples to quickly identify dysfunctional behaviors and replace them with healthier alternatives.”

Dealing with Deeper Issues: When It Takes Longer

While some couples may see early progress, those dealing with more entrenched issues—such as long-standing resentment, significant trust breaches, or trauma—may need to buckle up for a longer journey.

Gordon, Baucom, and Snyder (2004) conducted research on couples recovering from infidelity, finding that while early improvements can be seen, full recovery often takes 6 months to a year or more. Their study emphasizes that “couples who are committed to the process and engage actively in therapy are more likely to experience long-term recovery.”

This doesn’t mean that you’ll be in therapy forever, but it does mean that meaningful change, especially for more complex issues, takes time.

The research underscores the importance of persistence and patience, as even gradual improvements can lead to significant gains in relationship satisfaction over time (Gordon, Baucom, & Snyder, 2004).

The Role of the Therapeutic Alliance: Why Liking Your Therapist Matters

A crucial factor in the success of marriage counseling is the quality of the therapeutic alliance—the relationship between the therapist and the couple. Norcross and Wampold (2011) found that a strong therapeutic alliance is one of the most consistent predictors of positive outcomes in therapy.

Couples who feel understood and supported by their therapist are more likely to stick with the process and notice improvements earlier. As the study puts it, “The therapeutic relationship is often the best predictor of therapy success, surpassing even the specific techniques used” (Norcross & Wampold, 2011).

In practical terms, this means that finding a therapist you both connect with is crucial. If you feel comfortable and trust your therapist, you’re more likely to engage fully in the process, which can lead to quicker and more meaningful improvements. In other words, don’t work with someone you do not like.

This is why my manner of handling the battle for structure in couples therapy is more as a friend than a commercial counterpart.

The Homework Factor: Putting in the Work Outside of Therapy

Marriage counseling isn’t just about what happens in the therapist’s office; it’s also about the work you do outside of it.

Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg (2010) emphasize the importance of “homework” assignments, such as practicing new communication techniques, scheduling regular date nights, or expressing gratitude daily.

Their research shows that couples who actively engage in these activities tend to see faster results. As they note, “The consistent application of therapeutic principles in everyday life significantly enhances the effectiveness of therapy” (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2010).

So, if you’re committed to making your marriage work, don’t just show up for therapy—put in the effort at home too. The more you practice, the more likely you are to see those early improvements turn into lasting change.

Humor: The Unexpected Ally in Marriage Counseling

Humor might not be the first thing that comes to mind when you think about marriage counseling, but it plays a surprisingly important role. Research suggests that couples who can laugh together, even during difficult times, tend to have stronger relationships. Gottman’s (2015) work highlights that humor can be a powerful tool in diffusing tension and fostering connection.

“Couples who laugh together stay together,” as the saying (and the research) goes. So don’t be afraid to find the lighter side of your struggles—it might just be the glue that holds you together.

Final thoughts

Marriage counseling Is sometimes a marathon, and sometimes a sprint, but not as a rule.

The timeline for marriage counseling to “work” varies, but research shows that many couples start to notice improvements after 6 to 12 sessions.

For some, particularly those with deeper issues, it may take longer—but even then, progress is possible with persistence and commitment in as little as 4-6 sessions if you’re seriously motivated. Your steely-eyed determination is essential for a good outcome.

The key is to find a therapeutic approach that works for you, with a therapist (who you personally like) to engage actively in the process and acquire the specific relationship skills that can lead to significant changes. Choose well, and you will have science on your side.

And don’t forget to try to laugh along the way—it’s a journey, after all, and a little humor can make all the difference.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Anka, A., & Liljeström, B. (2016). Marriage counseling outcomes: A review of research. Journal of Marital Therapy, 42(2), 163-177.

Baucom, D. H., Epstein, N., & LaTaillade, J. J. (2002). Cognitive-behavioral couple therapy. In A. S. Gurman & N. S. Jacobson (Eds.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (3rd ed., pp. 26-58). Guilford Press.

Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2004). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213-231.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection. Brunner-Routledge.

Lebow, J. L., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1), 145-168.

Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage: A deluxe revised edition of the classic best-seller for enhancing marriage and preventing divorce. Jossey-Bass.

Norcross, J. C., & Wampold, B. E. (2011). Evidence-based therapy relationships: Research conclusions and clinical practices. Psychotherapy, 48(1), 98-102.