How Infidelity Changes Both Partners: Understanding the Emotional Impact on Couples and Their Children
Monday, October 28, 2024.
Infidelity can create seismic shifts in relationships, altering both partners' emotional landscapes and rippling out to affect the entire family system.
While betrayal causes pain and can undermine trust, it also forces both partners—and sometimes their children—into a new phase of self-reflection and relational change.
As Esther Perel, a leading voice on modern relationships, states, “Affairs are way less about sex and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important.”
Understanding how infidelity changes both partners involves exploring the intricate ways it reshapes their self-perceptions, communication, and the family dynamics they inhabit.
How Infidelity Reshapes Self-Perceptions in Both Partners
For the betrayed partner, discovering an affair can shatter their sense of reality.
They often find themselves questioning their self-worth, attractiveness, and the entire history of the relationship.
This trauma is sometimes likened to symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), with feelings of hyper-vigilance, obsessive thoughts, and flashbacks to the moment of discovery (Gordon et al., 2017). These emotional shifts can create a profound sense of instability and anxiety, requiring significant effort to rebuild a sense of safety.
Conversely, the partner who engaged in the affair often grapples with their own conflicting emotions. While they may feel guilt, they might also experience a sense of liberation or validation that comes from the affair.
Shirley Glass, another key researcher on infidelity, notes, “The affair becomes a wake-up call. It forces you to look at what’s missing in your life and in your marriage” (Glass, 2003).
The cheating partner might face a crisis of identity, torn between their self-image as a trustworthy partner and the role they took on during the affair. This internal conflict can be as disruptive as the pain of being betrayed.
Communication Breakdown and the Path to Repair After Infidelity
One of the most immediate impacts of infidelity is the breakdown of communication.
Partners who once shared open dialogues can become mired in blame, anger, and defensiveness. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, highlights that repairing this rupture requires both partners to practice what he calls "soft start-ups"—approaching difficult conversations with gentleness and empathy (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
These conversations can lay the groundwork for healing, but they also require both partners to face uncomfortable truths about their desires, unmet needs, and the relationship’s past failings. Many couples skip the therapy part and go straight to divorce.
While some couples are able to use this time of reckoning as a catalyst for positive change, others may find the emotional toll too great to overcome.
The decision to stay together or separate often hinges on whether both partners can develop a shared narrative about the affair and the meaning they ascribe to it. Those who can make sense of the betrayal, even if it involves intense emotional labor, are more likely to find a new equilibrium in their relationship. A good couples therapist can help with that.
The Ripple Effect: How Infidelity Impacts Children
When children are involved, the impact of infidelity extends beyond the couple to shape the entire family dynamic.
Children, especially those who are old enough to perceive changes in their parents' relationship, often experience confusion, anxiety, and a sense of loss.
Research suggests that children in homes where infidelity has occurred may struggle with trust issues and insecurity, particularly if the family unit ultimately dissolves (Amato, 2018). The sense of betrayal they witness can shape their own beliefs about relationships and fidelity, potentially affecting their future romantic engagements.
Children may not understand the specifics of what has happened, but they are often acutely aware of emotional shifts between their parents.
As Perel notes, “Children are like weather vanes. They sense the tensions in the air long before they can articulate them” (Perel, 2017).
Even in families where parents attempt to shield their kids from the details of the affair, the emotional undercurrent can create an environment of stress and instability.
The Path Forward: Healing and Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity
The road to recovery after infidelity is often non-linear, filled with setbacks and breakthroughs.
For both partners, therapy can be a critical space to process the emotional fallout. Couples therapy offers a structured environment where both individuals can articulate their pain and work toward understanding the underlying issues that contributed to the affair.
In the words of therapist Esther Perel, “In the aftermath of an affair, one of the biggest struggles is not the lack of love but the lack of understanding” (Perel, 2017).
When children are involved, family therapy can help them process their own emotions about the changes in the family dynamic.
It allows children to express feelings of fear, anger, or sadness in a safe space, while also helping parents to better understand how to support their children through the transition. Research underscores the importance of maintaining routines and providing consistent emotional support to children during these times of upheaval (Lebow, 2020).
A New Understanding of Love, Loss, and Family Dynamics After Infidelity
Infidelity is often seen as an end-point, but for many couples, it can also be a turning point.
It forces a reevaluation of values, needs, and the role of love in their lives.
Whether a couple stays together or moves apart, the experience of infidelity brings about change—sometimes painful, sometimes transformative. Understanding the effects of infidelity requires empathy and a willingness to look beyond the simple narratives of right and wrong.
It’s about seeing the humanity in both partners and recognizing that, as Perel says, “We are all wired for connection, and sometimes we lose our way” (Perel, 2017).
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Amato, P. R. (2018). Consequences of marital dissolution for children. Annual Review of Sociology, 44, 279-299.
Glass, S. (2003). Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity. New York, NY: Free Press.
Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2017). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(1), 47-63.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony Books.
Lebow, J. (2020). Couple and Family Therapy: An Integrative Approach. New York, NY: American Psychological Association.
Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. New York, NY: HarperCollins.