The Loneliness of the Narcissist: How Grandiosity and Social Exclusion Feed Each Other
Thursday, February 20, 2025.
Narcissists: the self-absorbed, the masters of self-promotion, the ones who bring their own spotlight to the party and then complain when no one applauds.
They’re the villains in every “toxic relationships” article and the goldmine of pop psychology content.
But what if, beneath the grandiosity and the humble-bragging, narcissists are actually lonely?
What if, despite all their peacocking, they feel left out more often than the average person?
New research suggests exactly that.
A recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Büttner et al., 2024) has found that people with narcissistic traits experience more social exclusion than their less self-absorbed peers.
Not only do they feel left out, but they often are left out.
And, as it turns out, this rejection fuels their narcissism further, locking them into a behavioral doom loop worthy of its own Greek tragedy—or at least a well-placed sitcom subplot.
The Self-Perpetuating Cycle of Narcissistic Ostracism
The study, led by Christiane Büttner of the University of Basel, challenges the idea that narcissists’ thick armor of self-importance protects them from rejection.
Instead, it reveals that narcissists, particularly those high in antagonistic narcissism (the "rivalry" subcategory), are hypersensitive to social cues.
Like a cat assuming every movement is a personal attack, they see rejection where there may be none. But they also get excluded more often than others (Büttner et al., 2024). In short, narcissists don’t just imagine exclusion—they attract it.
This study builds on existing research suggesting that narcissists tend to misread ambiguous social interactions as outright rejection (Hepper et al., 2014).
For example, if you fail to invite a narcissist to your group chat within 30 seconds of its creation, they may assume you hate them and respond accordingly—perhaps by starting their own rival group chat and posting passive-aggressive memes. The end result? More rejection, more narcissism, and more group chats no one actually wants to be in.
The Research: Virtual Dodgeball and the Fine Art of Taking Things Personally
Büttner’s research team didn’t just rely on self-reports (which, let’s be honest, narcissists might skew in their favor).
They conducted multiple experiments with over 2,500 participants, including a virtual ball-throwing game in which two other players either included or excluded the participant (Büttner et al., 2024).
Narcissists, predictably, perceived even minor slights as major rejections. If they weren’t passed the ball enough, it wasn’t a coincidence—it was an attack on their very being.
Another experiment involved social scenarios, like a situation where a friend “forgot” they attended a concert together.
Participants were asked if they felt excluded. Those high in narcissism were more likely to interpret the forgetfulness as deliberate, rather than, you know, normal human memory failure (Büttner et al., 2024).
If all of this sounds exhausting, imagine being a narcissist. Every social interaction is a battlefield. Every casual slight is a declaration of war. It’s like living inside a never-ending reality TV show where the drama is real, but the camera crew never shows up.
Why This Matters: The Mental Health Fallout
The consequences of this cycle aren’t just social; they’re psychological.
Research shows that chronic ostracism contributes to increased depression, anxiety, and even suicidality (Williams & Nida, 2011).
Narcissists, despite their larger-than-life personas, are not immune. In fact, their self-worth is so fragile that rejection cuts deeper, making them more vulnerable to mental health struggles (Twenge & Campbell, 2009).
Büttner’s study also analyzed long-term data from a national survey in New Zealand of over 72,000 people.
The findings? Feelings of exclusion preceded increased narcissism levels a year later, suggesting that social rejection may actually create narcissistic traits over time (Büttner et al., 2024).
In other words, if you want to manufacture a narcissist, exclude them repeatedly, and watch them build their ego fortress brick by brick.
So, What Do We Do About It?
If exclusion fuels narcissism, then logically, inclusion should neutralize it, right?
Maybe.
Some research suggests that fostering genuine connection and addressing underlying insecurities can reduce narcissistic behaviors (Brummelman et al., 2016).
But that presents a dilemma: narcissists, by definition, struggle with humility. They may reject help outright or see attempts at connection as manipulation.
At the institutional level, workplaces and social groups might benefit from structured conflict resolution strategies that prevent narcissists from becoming the designated villains (Leunissen et al., 2016).
After all, if rejection exacerbates their worst traits, then outright ostracization may only make things worse.
And for the rest of us?
Perhaps the best takeaway is this: narcissists aren’t just difficult people; they’re often deeply insecure and trapped in their own self-reinforcing cycle of exclusion and self-importance.
That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate their worst behavior, but it might help to remember that, beneath the bravado, they’re probably lonelier than they let on.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Nelemans, S. A., Orobio de Castro, B., Overbeek, G., & Bushman, B. J. (2016). Origins of narcissism in children. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 113(27), 7352-7357. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1603221113
Büttner, C., et al. (2024). The self-perpetuating cycle of narcissism and social ostracism. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000462
Hepper, E. G., Hart, C. M., Meek, R., Cisek, S. Z., & Sedikides, C. (2014). Narcissism and sensitivity to social rejection: The interplay of self-protection and self-enhancement. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(5), 597-609. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167213520518
Leunissen, J. M., Sedikides, C., Wildschut, T., & Cohen, T. R. (2016). Organizational nostalgia lowers turnover intentions by increasing work meaning: The role of leader charisma. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 137, 1-18. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.obhdp.2016.07.003
Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The narcissism epidemic: Living in the age of entitlement. Free Press.
Williams, K. D., & Nida, S. A. (2011). Ostracism: Consequences and coping. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 20(2), 71-75. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721411402480