How Easily Do Narcissists Discard Their Children? Understanding Emotional Estrangement in Narcissistic Parenting

Thursday, September 19, 2024.

Narcissistic parenting is a complex and emotionally damaging experience for many children.

One of the most challenging questions about narcissistic parents is: How easily do narcissists discard their children?

This issue is closely tied to emotional estrangement, a painful dynamic where children are treated as expendable if they don’t meet the parent’s needs.

In this post, we’ll explore the recent social science research that sheds light on this troubling phenomenon, discuss emotional estrangement, and examine how cultural narcissism plays a role in shaping this behavior.

What is Emotional Estrangement?

Emotional estrangement refers to the process by which narcissistic parents emotionally detach from their adult children. This isn’t always about physically abandoning the child but more about withdrawing love, attention, and support.

Narcissists thrive on admiration, and when their children no longer provide that validation, they may disengage emotionally. This can leave children feeling unloved, invisible, and emotionally abandoned.

Why Narcissists Discard Their Children: Understanding the Behavior

Narcissists view their children not as discreet, independent individuals but as extensions of themselves. This objectification means that when children challenge their authority, demand independence, or fail to live up to unrealistic expectations, narcissists can quickly turn cold and distant.

The result?

A child who feels emotionally discarded. According to a 2020 study on narcissistic parenting, narcissists often discard their children when they no longer serve as a source of validation (Brummelman et al., 2020).

Children in these situations may experience long-term emotional consequences, including anxiety, low self-esteem, and difficulties forming meaningful relationships in adulthood (Gabbard, 2014).

The ease with which narcissists discard their children lies in their lack of empathy and inability to maintain genuine emotional connections. Their children’s needs take a backseat to their own desires for attention and control.

How Cultural Narcissism Plays a Role in Emotional Estrangement

In today’s world of social media, self-promotion, and a culture that rewards individualism, narcissistic traits can be amplified. Cultural narcissism—a term popularized by Christopher Lasch—describes the way society encourages narcissistic behavior.

Social media platforms allow for constant self-promotion, fueling the narcissistic need for attention. Narcissistic parents may measure their children's value based on how well they enhance their own public image.

If the child becomes a liability or no longer provides that validation, emotional estrangement can follow.

Cultural narcissism also affects how easily narcissists discard their children.

With society increasingly valuing success, image, and individual achievements over community and family, narcissistic parents may feel justified in prioritizing themselves over their children. In many cases, this leads to emotional abandonment, where the child becomes an afterthought in the narcissist’s pursuit of validation from the external world.

Social Science Research on Narcissistic Parenting

Research offers valuable insights into the dynamics of narcissistic parenting and emotional estrangement.

A 2020 study by Brummelman et al. found that narcissistic parents often view their children as tools for boosting their own self-esteem. When children don’t perform this function, they are easily discarded, emotionally if not physically.

Another study by Kaufman et al. (2017) examined the lack of empathy in narcissistic parents, revealing how they struggle to connect emotionally with their children. This lack of empathy makes it easier for them to disengage when their children no longer serve a purpose.

The emotional consequences for the children of narcissists include a range of psychological issues such as depression, anxiety, and attachment problems.

These findings align with broader cultural trends of rising narcissism in Western societies.

Twenge and Campbell (2009) note that as society becomes more individualistic, narcissistic tendencies increase, affecting family dynamics in profound ways. Narcissistic parents, steeped in this cultural environment, are even more likely to discard their children when they are no longer useful.

The Long-Term Impact of Emotional Estrangement on Children

Children of narcissistic parents suffer from deep emotional wounds, often feeling abandoned even if their parents remain physically present. Emotional estrangement can lead to profound feelings of unworthiness, where children internalize the rejection. They may believe they are at fault for their parent’s detachment, which can result in lifelong emotional struggles.

Children who experience this kind of rejection are more likely to suffer from mental health challenges, including low self-esteem, depression, and difficulties forming healthy adult relationships.

Research by Goulter and Minchin (2021) highlights the lasting impact of emotional estrangement on children, noting that many of them struggle with feelings of abandonment well into adulthood.

Can Narcissists Change Their Behavior?

While it’s possible for some narcissistic parents to recognize their behavior and work toward change, it is rare.

Narcissism, particularly in its more extreme forms, involves deeply ingrained personality traits that are resistant to change.

Therapy and self-reflection can help some folks on the lower end of the narcissistic continuum might develop more empathy, but in most cases, the pattern of emotional estrangement continues.

It’s also important to note that not all narcissists discard their children in the same way.

Some may maintain a superficial relationship for appearances, while others might use their children as pawns in power struggles or as sources of external validation.

However, the emotional damage done to the child is the same, whether they are discarded overtly or subtly manipulated.

Final thoughts

The ease with which narcissists discard their children is rooted in their inability to form genuine emotional connections, compounded by a cultural environment that values self-promotion and individualism.

Narcissistic parents often prioritize their own needs over the emotional welfare of their children, leading to emotional estrangement and lasting damage.

Understanding the role of narcissistic behavior in parenting is essential for helping children heal from the wounds of emotional abandonment.

There are broader societal forces that contribute to narcissism, so by studying these dynamics we might gain a deeper understanding of how cultural narcissism shapes family dynamics—and why some parents find it so easy to discard their own children.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Nelemans, S. A., Orobio de Castro, B., & Bushman, B. J. (2020). Origins of narcissism in children. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 117(45), 28312-28319.

Gabbard, G. O. (2014). Psychodynamic psychiatry in clinical practice (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.

Goulter, N., & Minchin, L. (2021). Emotional impact of narcissistic parenting on child development. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 62(4), 450-461.

Kaufman, S. B., Weiss, B., Miller, J. D., & Campbell, W. K. (2017). The distinctiveness of pathological narcissism. Journal of Personality Disorders, 31(4), 437-458.

Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2009). The narcissism epidemic: Living in the age of entitlement. Free Press.