The perils of nagging: How to avoid a nagging disaster
Thursday, June 20, 2024. Revised and updated.
What is Nagging?
Nagging occurs when you repeat a request urgently three or more times, only to have it deflected or ignored. This lack of direct confrontation about the conflict makes both partners feel burdened, and it often escalates.
Everyone is capable of nagging, and there are several flavors of it. Research indicates that nagging dynamics arise from differences in social status, gender roles, and power differences. Let's dive into a few types of nagging:
Types of Nagging
Anxious Nagging: Anxiety disorders are rampant in our uncertain times. Often, we nag loved ones due to a mismatch of concern over real and/or imagined issues.
Critical Nagging: You ask your spouse to do something, and they "comply," but you feel their efforts are subpar. You’re not shy about expressing your displeasure.
Hostile Nagging: This is emotional abuse—a blatant attempt to shame or blame with contempt and disrespect.
How Nagging Kills
Nagging can be especially aggravating for husbands. The word "nag" comes from the Scandinavian word "to gnaw," and that's precisely how it feels. However, this toxic interpretation has serious consequences.
Recent research from Europe shows that being on the receiving end of critical nagging from your wife is a serious health hazard. Chronic nagging has been linked to hundreds of unnecessary deaths each year. Husbands experiencing frequent nagging were more than twice as likely to die within ten years compared to those in less stressful marriages. This phenomenon is gender-linked, with men's physiological reactions to nagging significantly impacting their health.
The Deadly Intersection
It's not the nagging itself that's deadly; it's the habitual physiological reactions men experience and fail to master. Death by nagging is a deadly mix of physiology, personality, and socialization. Frustrated, long-suffering wives are not to blame.
Many women feel compelled to nag because their husbands often respond dismissively. These conversations typically start badly and end worse.
Why Wives Handle Nagging Better
Women seem relatively immune to retaliatory nagging. Research shows that enduring a nagging husband has little impact on female death rates. Women process negative emotions differently and engage in better self-care through social supports.
Nagging increases stress levels, which has long been identified as detrimental to health. Men who are nagged face increased risks of heart disease and stroke. It also encourages poor self-care habits, such as emotional eating and a sedentary lifestyle, which magnifies the problem.
How Nagging Kills Husbands
Research by Gottman and others has shown that men and women react differently to Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA). Men react to stress with much higher cortisol levels than their wives. Cortisol, at high levels, is incredibly hazardous to health.
Dr. Rikke Lund, from the University of Copenhagen, explained, “Men have fewer people in their social network than women, who tend to share their problems and worries with more people. Their partner is more important in a relatively small social network, and when that partner is a chronic nagger, who does he turn to for comfort?”
The Impact of Unemployment
Jobs and careers provide a space for positive self-worth, mitigating the impact of a stressful marriage. The stress of unemployment combined with frequent nagging increases the death rate for husbands.
The Power of Social Support
Solid emotional support from family and friends is protective of health. This study is significant because it poses the opposite hypothesis, emphasizing the negative health impacts of persistent spousal criticism and nagging.
Children Nag Too
Interestingly, the study found that children also nag, and this constant nagging appeared to increase the risk of early death by almost 50%.
5 Life-Saving Tips to Avoid Nagging
Take a Time Out: Remember, escalation is the enemy, not your partner. Taking care of your nervous system helps it take care of you.
Enter “Admitting Mode”: Acknowledge the factual truth in your partner's complaints. Taking responsibility can help calm the situation.
Ask Questions: Don't just listen to the partner in your head. Ask open-ended questions to understand their concerns better.
Share Vulnerabilities: Revealing your needs and feelings can help find common ground. Use “I statements” to express the emotional impact of issues.
Identify a Preferred Outcome: Focus on what you want instead of dwelling on the negative. This helps in finding a “good enough” solution for both.
Remember, some behaviors learned in childhood can be harmful. Couples therapy can teach skills to prevent nagging and improve your relationship.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Papp, L. M., Kouros, C. D., & Cummings, E. M. (2009). Demand-withdraw patterns in marital conflict in the home. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(6), 633-642.
Lund, R., Christensen, U., Nielsen, M., Damsgaard, M. T., Holstein, B. E., & Sorensen, T. I. A. (2014). The impact of social relations on mortality in middle-aged Danish men and women. Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health, 68(6), 556-562.
Pariante, C. (2014). Stress and mental health: A preclinical perspective. Current Opinion in Psychiatry, 27(1), 11-17.
Schlund, R., Bohns, V., & Sommers, R. (2022). Giving people the words to say no leads them to feel freer to say yes. Scientific Reports, 12, Article 19462.
The 2014 research by Dr. Rikke Lund was published in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health.
Demand‐withdraw patterns in a marital conflict in the home LAUREN M. PAPP, CHRYSTYNA D. KOUROS and E. MARK CUMMINGS First published: 05 June 2009 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2009.01223.x Citations: 32
Lauren M. Papp, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, University of Wisconsin–Madison; Chrystyna D. Kouros and E. Mark Cummings, Department of Psychology, University of Notre Dame.
This research was funded in part by National Institute of Child Health and Human Development Grant HD 36261 awarded to E. Mark Cummings.
Barry, Robin A. and Erika Lawrence, “Don’t Stand So Close to Me: An Attachment Perspective of Disengagement and Avoidance in Marriage,” Journal of Family Psychology (2013), vol.27, no.3, 564-494.
Bradbury, Thomas N., Frank D. Fincham, and Steven R.H. Beach, “Research on the Nature and Determinants of Marital Satisfaction: A Decade in Review,” Journal of the Marriage and the Family (November 2000), 62, 964-680.
Gottman, John. Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. New York: Fireside, 1994.
