Helping Alice tell Steve…
5/15/23. A brand new post about one of my favorite current clients. “Alice and Steve” are a lovely, deeply accomplished couple. When Alice had to tell Steve that she was raped by a mutual friend they asked me to help them work through it.
Helping Alice tell Steve…
Couples therapy is a calling. When done well, it can be a powerful tool that can foster open communication, understanding, and growth within relationships. I do my best to provide a safe space for my couples to navigate life’s challenges and work towards a healthier, more fulfilling partnership as they walk through time.
But sometimes bad sh*t happens to good people.
In this blog post, I’d like to explore the crucial role I played recently in helping Alice disclose her traumatic experience of sexual assault to her husband, Steve. By integrating research and therapeutic techniques, I did my best to guide this couple towards healing, support, and some degree of recovery, and perhaps a deeper, renewed connection.
Understanding the impact of sexual assault
Sexual assault is a deeply traumatic experience that can have far-reaching consequences for survivors and their relationships. It is important to recognize the psychological, emotional, and relational effects of such trauma.
Research suggests that survivors of sexual assault may experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, and difficulties with intimacy and trust (Ullman & Peter-Hagene, 2014). The disclosure of sexual assault within a couple's relationship can bring about unique challenges and requires sensitive therapeutic intervention.
That’s what happened with Alice. She became withdrawn and depressed. Her normally anxious demeanor was even more so. Alice was suffering, and feared how Steve might react.
Creating a safe therapeutic space
Couples therapists must prioritize creating a safe, non-judgmental space where both partners can express their feelings, concerns, and experiences. Establishing trust and rapport is crucial for facilitating open communication and empathy. Research has shown that the quality of the therapeutic alliance significantly impacts therapy outcomes (Ackerman & Hilsenroth, 2003). By fostering a secure and supportive environment, couples therapists can help survivors of sexual assault feel heard, validated, and empowered to share their trauma with their partner.
Facilitating disclosure and empathy
The process of disclosing a traumatic event like sexual assault requires careful guidance from a skilled couples therapist. Research suggests that empathic listening and validation from the partner can enhance the healing process for survivors (Ullman & Filipas, 2005).
Couples therapists are expected to encourage active listening, empathy, and validation between partners after a sexual assault disclosure.
It’s a cultural norm that the therapist will facilitate a deep understanding of the survivor's experience.
The therapist is expected to guide their partner in responding compassionately and without blame or judgment. That’s all well and good, and we can tie a pretty bow on it. But the research tells me that I need to pay equal attention to Steve because his impulsive rage is kind of baked in the psychobiological cake.
Navigating emotional responses
Disclosure of sexual assault can elicit a range of emotions within both partners. That was certainly the case with Alice and Steve. It is essential for couples therapists to address these emotional responses in a sensitive and constructive manner.
The dysregulation and emotional overwhelm that partners endure span feelings of anger, guilt, shame, helplessness, or even doubts about the veracity of the survivor's account (Woods, 2017).
This is where a good, well trained therapist can draw on evidence-based techniques such as emotion-focused therapy (EFT) or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to help partners process their emotions and develop healthier coping strategies.
Rebuilding Trust and Intimacy
Rebuilding trust and intimacy is a critical aspect of the healing process for both partners in the aftermath of sexual assault.
I used a number of specific interventions to facilitate this process. Research has shown that interventions focusing on enhancing emotional intimacy, fostering open communication, and promoting empathy and understanding are effective in supporting couples affected by most any sort of trauma (Cloitre et al., 2010).
Therapists use different modalities, models and approaches. They may integrate a variety of techniques such as psychoeducation, role-playing, and guided exercises to rebuild trust, strengthen the emotional connection, and support a couple's journey towards healing and renewed intimacy.
But I follow the science wherever it leads. I also knew that Alice and Steve needed to upgrade their friendship network.
I’m still working with Alice and Steve. In the aftermath of her disclosure, Alice and Steve found solace in rebuilding their lives, focusing on their own well-being and the strength of their relationship. They revamped their social circle, and threw more than a few untrustworthy individuals overboard.
Then they went new friend shopping, and surrounded themselves with a strong support network of new couple friends who believed in them and stood by them throughout the complete ordeal.
Final thoughts
Couples therapists can play a vital role in supporting survivors of sexual assault. Navigating the challenging process of disclosure within their relationship is hard to do alone.
By fostering a safe and non-judgmental therapeutic environment, facilitating empathy and validation, addressing emotional responses, and promoting healing and rebuilding of trust and intimacy, a good couples therapist can empower couples to heal and reconnect on a deeper level.
Through research-backed techniques and compassionate guidance, couples therapy can be a catalyst for growth, understanding, and renewed trust. But it’s also important to see the partner’s trauma in hearing and processing the story.
If you or someone you know is a survivor of sexual assault, it's important to seek professional help from a qualified therapist who specializes in trauma and couples therapy.
Please remember that healing may take time, and with the right support, it is possible to learn how to have hard conversations. and this will strengthen your relationship, and foster a healthier future together.
RESEARCH:
Ackerman, S. J., & Hilsenroth, M. J. (2003). A review of therapist characteristics and techniques positively impacting the therapeutic alliance. Clinical Psychology Review, 23(1), 1-33. doi:10.1016/S0272-7358(02)00146-0
Cloitre, M., Cohen, L. R., & Koenen, K. C. (2010). Treating survivors of childhood abuse: Psychotherapy for the interrupted life. Guilford Press.
Ullman, S. E., & Filipas, H. H. (2005). Predictors of PTSD symptom severity and social reactions in sexual assault victims. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 18(3), 271-284. doi:10.1002/jts.20029
Ullman, S. E., & Peter-Hagene, L. C. (2014). Social reactions to sexual assault disclosure, coping, perceived control, and PTSD symptoms in sexual assault victims. Journal of Community Psychology, 42(4), 495-508. doi:10.1002/jcop.21614
Woods, S. J. (2017). Emotional support for survivors of sexual assault disclosed within intimate relationships: A systematic review of the literature. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 18(4), 390-404. doi:10.1177/1524838016649354
