Healing from Invalidation Trauma: Rebuilding Trust and Connection
Thursday, August 1, 2024. This is for L, N, & Dylan.
Invalidation is a sneaky troublemaker in neurodiverse relationships, gradually gnawing away at the bonds of connection and trust.
This silent assassin harms not just our emotional well-being but also our brain and nervous system over time.
Healing from this relational trauma requires steady efforts in character growth, self-awareness, and love.
Neutrality might seem harmless, but it's actually a form of deep invalidation.
When someone invalidates us, it triggers our brain's survival mechanisms, making us feel undervalued and unprotected.
This pressure cooker situation can lead our minds to either implode or explode—sometimes a bit of both.
Invalidation, whether in personal relationships or on a larger societal scale, erodes the walls of trust and commitment, crucial for sustaining any relationship.
Just like a leaky faucet can damage a house's foundation over time, invalidation weakens the core of our connections.
The Erosion of Trust: A Case Study
Consider the case of Sarah and James. During couples therapy, Sarah expressed her feelings of stress and frustration about her job. She was seeking understanding and support from James.
Instead, James's responses were dismissive, making Sarah feel unvalued and unheard. This pattern of invalidation led to frequent arguments and deepened the rift in their relationship.
James's supposed neutrality in their conflicts was actually a betrayal of Sarah's trust. His apparent lack of empathy and attention to her concerns corroded their connection, sending a message that she wasn't respected or valued. This betrayal trauma, if left unchecked, can threaten the survival of a relationship.
The Broader Implications of Invalidation
Invalidation isn't just a personal issue; it's a societal one as well. Archbishop Desmond Tutu wisely said, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” Staying silent or passive in the face of wrongs is itself an act of invalidation, further perpetuating harm.
Reflecting on past experiences of invalidation can help us understand our own wounds and shame. By recognizing and addressing these wounds, we can begin the healing process, both individually and collectively.
Rewiring for Empathy: The Neurobiology of Invalidation
Invalidation can begin early in life, shaping our capacity for empathy. Infants whose cries for comfort go unanswered may develop avoidant tendencies, affecting their ability to empathize with others. However, our brains have a remarkable capacity for change, known as neuroplasticity. By intentionally practicing kindness and compassion, we can rewire our brains to increase our empathy for ourselves and others.
Empathy is not merely a natural trait but a skill that can be developed. When we fully embrace our humanity, we can find the empathy to hear and care for others, even when we disagree. This empathy allows us to acknowledge the realities of others, fostering deeper connections and understanding.
Breaking the Cycle of Invalidation
When we fail to empathize, we perpetuate a cycle of invalidation and betrayal trauma. This cycle can lead to a heightened state of defensiveness, where we see issues in black-and-white terms and fail to consider others' perspectives.
For example, responding to the Black Lives Matter movement with "All Lives Matter" may seem inclusive but fails to recognize the specific injustices faced by Black folks.
To break this cycle, we must look inward and ask ourselves, "Who silenced my voice, invalidated my pain, and refused to acknowledge me?" By acknowledging our own wounds and shame, we can begin the process of healing and repair.
The Path to Healing and Connection
Healing from invalidation requires ongoing efforts to atone for past wrongs, attune to others' experiences, and attach deeply in trust and commitment. By practicing these principles, individually and collectively, we can create a more empathetic and inclusive society.
As James discovered, understanding his own story allowed him to empathize with Sarah's experiences. This empathy opened the door to healing their relationship and rebuilding trust. Similarly, on a cultural level, we must connect with our own stories of invalidation to empathize with the experiences of marginalized communities.
The Intersection of Neurodiversity and Invalidation Trauma
Neurodiversity, encompassing conditions like autism, ADHD, and other cognitive differences, plays a significant role in how folks experience and process invalidation. My neurodiverse clients often face unique challenges in relationships due to differences in communication styles, sensory sensitivities, and cognitive processing. Understanding these differences is crucial for fostering empathy and connection.
For instance, partners with high-functioning autism might struggle with Theory of Mind—the ability to understand that others have thoughts, feelings, and perspectives different from their own.
This can make it challenging for them to interpret social cues and respond empathetically. Cognitive empathy, the ability to intellectually understand another person's perspective, can be particularly beneficial in such cases.
Training in cognitive empathy can help neurodiverse individuals improve their social interactions and reduce feelings of invalidation.
Practical Empathy-Building Interventions Based on Neuroscience
Mindfulness Meditation: Practicing mindfulness can enhance emotional regulation and increase empathy. Studies have shown that mindfulness meditation can lead to changes in brain regions associated with empathy and compassion (Hölzel et al., 2011). Encouraging regular mindfulness practice can help individuals become more attuned to their own emotions and those of others.
Perspective-Taking Exercises: Engaging in exercises that promote perspective-taking can improve cognitive empathy. This can involve imagining oneself in another person's situation or discussing hypothetical scenarios that require understanding different viewpoints. Such exercises can be particularly beneficial for folks with autism (Golan et al., 2015). I like the results I get with Cinematherapy as well.
Active Listening Training: Active listening involves fully concentrating, understanding, and responding thoughtfully to what others are saying. Training in active listening can help individuals validate others' experiences and foster deeper connections. Techniques such as reflecting back what the other person has said and asking open-ended questions can be effective.
Empathy Journaling: Keeping a journal to reflect on daily interactions and identify moments of empathy or missed opportunities for empathy can help individuals develop greater self-awareness and empathy skills. Writing about one's own experiences of invalidation and considering how others might feel in similar situations can promote empathy.
Neurofeedback: Neurofeedback training, which involves monitoring brain activity and providing real-time feedback, has shown promise in improving emotional regulation and empathy. This intervention can be particularly beneficial for folks with ADHD and other neurodevelopmental conditions (Arns et al., 2009). Neurofeedback changed my life, and I am a huge advocate.
Final thoughts
Healing from invalidation is a journey that requires us to look inward, acknowledge our wounds, and empathize with others' experiences.
We might all try practicing kindness, compassion, and empathy.
Perhaps we can break the cycle of invalidation and build stronger, more connected relationships and communities.
Embracing neurodiversity and employing empathy-building interventions grounded in neuroscience can further enhance our capacity for empathy and understanding, fostering a more inclusive and empathetic society. It beats living in resentful stories.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Arns, M., de Ridder, S., Strehl, U., Breteler, M., & Coenen, A. (2009). Efficacy of neurofeedback treatment in ADHD: the effects on inattention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity: a meta-analysis. Clinical EEG and Neuroscience, 40(3), 180-189.
Golan, O., Ashwin, E., Granader, Y., McClintock, S., Day, K., Leggett, V., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2015). Enhancing emotion recognition in children with autism spectrum conditions: An intervention using animated vehicles with real emotional faces. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 40(3), 269-279.
Hölzel, B. K., Lazar, S. W., Gard, T., Schuman-Olivier, Z., Vago, D. R., & Ott, U. (2011). How does mindfulness meditation work? Proposing mechanisms of action from a conceptual and neural perspective. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(6), 537-559.
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
Sitaram, R., Ros, T., Stoeckel, L., Haller, S., Scharnowski, F., Weiskopf, N., Blefari, M. L., Rana, M., Oblak, E., Birbaumer, N., & Sulzer, J. (2017). Closed-loop brain training: The science of neurofeedback. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 18(2), 86-100. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn.2016.164
Tutu, D. (2008). No Future Without Forgiveness.
