Has anyone stayed friends with their affair partner?
Wednesday, 2/14/24
Recently, I was asked a fascinating question… Has anyone stayed friends with their affair partner?
Wow, that could be anywhere from a somewhat harmless to a profoundly self-absorbed line of inquiry.
Whether someone can remain friends with an ex-affair partner depends on a bunch of factors, including the nature of the relationship, the reasons for the affair, the emotional maturity of the humans involved, and their ability to communicate and, paradoxically, color in the lines.
Research on this question suggests that maintaining a friendship with an ex-affair partner is not only potentially challenging… but may not always be advisable, to put it diplomatically.
Research reveals that affairs often distill into solid emotional attachments and complex dynamics, making it difficult to transition to a platonic friendship.
There may be lingering feelings of betrayal, jealousy, or resentment from the betrayed partner and the other humans involved in the affair. Additionally, continuing contact with an ex-affair partner may hinder the healing process for all parties involved and potentially undermine future relationships.
However, some research suggests that in some instances, individuals who have had affairs may attempt to maintain a friendship with their ex-partner as a way to cope with feelings of guilt or to preserve some connection after the romantic relationship ends.
In these situations, the success of the friendship depends on open communication, mutual respect, and a genuine desire to move forward with situationally appropriate boundaries.
Ultimately, whether or not it's possible to remain friends with an ex-affair partner varies from person to person and situation to situation. This is very much a “your mileage may vary” situation.
It's essential for involved humans to carefully consider their motivations and the potential consequences before attempting to establish a friendship with an ex-affair partner. Prioritizing the well-being of all parties impacted and involved typically precludes this.
Effective couples therapy advises a policy of no contact for involved partners, but I’ve been humbled into reserving judgment until I complete my assessment, and here’s why…
My client Mildred has been happily married to Frank for 27 years. Unfortunately, after contracting a severe case of COVID, Frank suffered a stroke and was put on life support and is in what Mildred calls “a robust and unrecoverable vegetative state.”
Frank has been in that state for just over 4 years. Mildred visits regularly and manages his care. But Mildred has been desperately lonely and began spending time with her co-worker Mike, who just lost his wife to cancer.
Mildred and Mike have been spending more time together. Mildred reached out to me because I did a little couples therapy with Mildred and Frank before he took ill. She asked me, “Am I cheating?”
You can see what I mean. It isn’t always straightforward, is it?
Here are some pragmatic concerns that may inform the question: Has anyone stayed friends with their affair partner?
Attachment Theory: Attachment theory suggests that the nature of early relationships with caregivers influences adult romantic relationships. When humans form strong emotional attachments with their affair partners, it can be challenging to transition to a platonic friendship after the romantic relationship ends.
This is because the emotional bond formed during the affair may resemble the attachment style seen in romantic relationships rather than friendships.
Impact on the Hurt and Betrayed Partners: As a couples therapist, my abiding concern is that betrayed partners often experience intense feelings of hurt, anger, and mistrust after discovering an affair. Usually, this anxiety spills over onto the children.
Maintaining a friendship with the ex-affair partner can exacerbate these negative emotions and hinder the betrayed partner's ability to heal and move on from the betrayal.
Studies have repeatedly shown that continued contact with the ex-affair partner can prolong the emotional distress experienced by the betrayed partner and impede the process of rebuilding trust in future relationships.
Long-Term Outcomes: While there is limited empirical research specifically focused on the long-term outcomes of remaining friends with ex-affair partners, studies on post-breakup friendships, in general, suggest that these friendships are relatively rare and often characterized by ambivalence and unresolved emotions.
Maintaining a friendship with an ex-affair partner may lead to ongoing emotional turmoil and make it difficult for individuals to disengage from the romantic relationship fully.
Communication and Boundaries: Successful friendships with ex-affair partners are more likely when both parties can communicate openly and establish clear and protective boundaries.
This may involve conducting a relationship autopsy on the emotions surrounding the affair, setting limits on the nature and frequency of contact, and respecting the needs and feelings of all parties involved, especially spouses.
While some may be able to maintain a friendship with an ex-affair partner under certain circumstances, it's essential to recognize the potential challenges and risks involved.
Open communication, self-awareness, and sensitivity to the needs of all parties are essential for navigating these complex relationships with appropriate boundaries.
Some studies have delved into the motivations behind maintaining friendships with ex-affair partners… and the factors that influence the success or failure of these friendships:
Motivations for Friendship: Research suggests that humans may seek to maintain a friendship with an ex-affair partner for various reasons, including a desire to alleviate guilt, preserve some connection or familiarity, or mitigate the loss of the romantic relationship.
Some may also believe that remaining friends with their ex-affair partner demonstrates maturity or a commitment to forgiveness.
Emotional Complexity: Studies indicate that friendships with ex-affair partners often involve high emotional complexity. Both parties may grapple with conflicting emotions, including residual romantic feelings, guilt, resentment, or ambivalence.
Negotiating these emotions can be challenging and may require much introspection and communication.
Impact on Future Relationships: Maintaining friendships with an ex-affair partner can affect future romantic relationships. Research suggests that individuals who remain friends with their ex-partners may experience difficulties establishing new romantic relationships, as their current partners may perceive continued contact as a threat to the relationship or a sign of unresolved feelings.
Gender Differences: Some studies have explored gender differences in the willingness to maintain friendships with ex-affair partners.
Research hints that women are more likely than men to seek friendship with their ex-affair partners, possibly reflecting differences in relational goals and emotional processing.
However, the success of these friendships may still depend on factors such as communication, boundaries, and mutual respect.
Final thoughts
While maintaining a friendship with an ex-affair partner is possible in some cases, humans need to consider their motivations and the potential consequences carefully.
Open communication, self-awareness, and empathy are crucial for navigating these complex relationships in a way that respects the needs and feelings of all parties involved.
While research provides valuable insights into the dynamics of friendships with ex-affair partners, it's essential to acknowledge the limitations of existing studies.
Much of the research in this area relies on self-report data, which may be subject to biases and inaccuracies.
Additionally, the context and circumstances surrounding each relationship can vary widely, making generalizing findings across different situations challenging.
Furthermore, the ethical considerations in studying affairs and relationships present unique challenges for researchers.
Confidentiality, privacy concerns, and potential harm to the study subjects are a buzz kill for conducting research in this sensitive arena.
Despite these challenges, ongoing research on relationships, infidelity, and post-breakup dynamics can provide valuable insights into the factors that influence the success or failure of friendships with ex-affair partners.
Future studies may benefit from employing longitudinal designs to track the long-term outcomes of these friendships. Exploring the role of personality traits, attachment styles, and cultural norms might yield new insights.
This is an emotional minefield from a researcher’s point of view. It's essential to approach this topic sensitively and understand the complex emotions and dynamics involved.
Clients navigating these relationships may benefit from support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals to help them process their emotions and make informed decisions about their relationships. I can help with that.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
