Handling Resentment About Career Sacrifices: Navigating the Emotional Impact of Supporting Your Partner’s Ambitions
Thursday, November 7, 2024.
When one partner sacrifices their career for the other, it can lead to unspoken resentment and feelings of loss.
While it may seem loving at first, the effects of career sacrifices can linger, affecting a couple’s connection, satisfaction, and personal identity.
This post explores how couples can address career sacrifices with empathy and respect to prevent long-term resentment and foster a healthier, more supportive relationship.
Meet Laura and Ben, a couple who faced hidden struggles after Laura made career sacrifices to support Ben’s demanding new government job across the country.
Their story, shared here, highlights the importance of discussing unspoken losses, validating each other’s needs, and reconnecting as a team.
The Session
“Laura, you said something feels off since you moved. Can you tell me more?”
Laura: [pausing] “It’s complicated, Daniel. I’m proud of Ben and want him to succeed, but I feel lost. I left behind my career, family, and friends. I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Ben: [sighs] “But we both agreed on this. I thought we were on the same page.”
“Ben, it sounds like you’re feeling frustrated. What’s coming up for you?”
Ben: “I feel like I’m being blamed for something we decided together. It’s hard, but I thought we wanted this move.”
“Both of you made sacrifices. Laura, you gave up a job and support system, and Ben, you’re carrying the pressure of making sure the move is worth it. It’s natural for sacrifices to bring up complicated feelings, even when made out of love.”
Laura: [softly] “I don’t want to be ungrateful. I know Ben’s career is important, but sometimes I feel invisible – like my dreams don’t matter.”
“That feeling of invisibility is powerful, Laura. Research shows that when personal goals are sidelined for a partner’s career, it’s common to feel disconnected from one’s identity, which can lead to resentment if unaddressed (Rusu, Hilpert, & Bodenmann, 2019).
Ben, it sounds like you’re carrying the weight of both your own happiness and Laura’s. That’s a lot to handle. Does that resonate?”
Ben: [looking down] “I hadn’t thought of it like that. I just wanted to create a better future for us. Now I worry constantly that Laura’s not happy – like I’m failing at both work and home.”
Exploring Resentment and Regret in Career Sacrifices
As we explored Laura and Ben’s story, deeper layers of resentment and regret surfaced.
Laura felt unseen in her sacrifice, while Ben felt pressure to make the decision worthwhile.
These emotions aren’t uncommon in relationships where one partner’s career takes precedence, especially when the other’s ambitions are set aside (Rusu et al., 2019; Huffman, Casper, & Payne, 2014).
Research shows that career-related sacrifices often create mixed feelings of pride, love, frustration, and resentment.
Couples may feel stuck between self-fulfillment and relationship compromises, which can lead to emotional distance if left unaddressed (Huffman et al., 2014; Finkel, Hui, Carswell, & Larson, 2014).
Esther Perel, a well-known therapist, describes these unspoken resentments as part of a “narrative of deprivation,” where one partner feels they’ve lost their needs to fulfill those of their partner (Perel, 2017). Addressing this narrative directly helps restore a sense of balance in relationships.
The Path Toward Healing Career Sacrifices in Relationships
“Laura, Ben, it takes courage to share these feelings. Often, couples avoid these conversations, fearing they might hurt the relationship, but in reality, addressing them helps both partners feel seen and respected.”
Laura: “So, it’s okay to feel this way?”
“Absolutely. Research shows that grief over lost opportunities, even those chosen out of love, is normal. Acknowledging each other’s sacrifices openly can help both of you feel valued (Huffman et al., 2014).
Think of these emotions not as signs of failure but as reminders to reconnect and support each other’s goals.”
Ben: “I didn’t realize how much Laura had given up. I’ve been so focused on making this work that I didn’t see her side of it. I want her to feel valued too.”
“That’s where we can start. Let’s find ways to create space for each of you to pursue your own goals.
Research supports the concept of balancing shared ‘we’ goals with individual ‘me’ goals, allowing partners to nurture their relationship without losing their individual identities (Finkel et al., 2014).”
Laura: “I’d love that. I want to feel like I haven’t lost myself in the process.”
“Good. Let’s develop a plan that gives each of you time and space to explore individual interests while supporting each other’s ambitions.
This helps you feel connected and independent – a balance that research shows strengthens relationships (Gordon, Impett, Kogan, Oveis, & Keltner, 2012).”
Moving Forward Together: Reclaiming Personal and Shared Goals
Laura and Ben committed to regular check-ins, discussing their feelings, individual aspirations, and any challenges within their roles.
Ben encouraged Laura to pursue new opportunities in their city, while Laura made a point to celebrate Ben’s achievements. Through mutual support and open communication, their bond grew stronger, and they found a new sense of shared purpose.
Research shows that validating each other’s sacrifices and staying open about personal and shared goals helps reduce resentment and strengthens relationship satisfaction (Gordon et al., 2012).
With time, Laura and Ben began to see their sacrifices not as losses but as stepping stones to a fulfilling relationship that respected each other’s unique dreams.
Final thoughts
Career sacrifices are a complex and often unspoken part of relationships, bringing challenges and hidden feelings of resentment.
When couples openly address these emotions and validate each other’s needs, they transform potential conflicts into opportunities for growth, creating a more balanced and resilient partnership.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). The suffocation of marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow without enough oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 25(1), 1-41. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.863723
Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257-274. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028723
Huffman, A. H., Casper, W. J., & Payne, S. C. (2014). How does spouse career support relate to employee turnover? Work interfering with family as a mediator. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 35(2), 194-212. https://doi.org/10.1002/job.1862
Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. Harper.
Rusu, P. P., Hilpert, P., & Bodenmann, G. (2019). Relationship satisfaction and individual well-being: A meta-analytic review of dyadic intervention studies. Journal of Happiness Studies, 20(6), 2071-2096. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-018-0037-6