Grandparenting as a Team: How to Balance Being Supportive Without Overstepping
Tuesday, October 15, 2024.
Becoming a grandparent is one of life’s sweetest rewards, a time to shower little ones with love without the responsibilities of daily parenting.
But it also comes with challenges, especially when you’re navigating this new role as a middle-aged couple, learning to balance support with maintaining healthy boundaries.
As exciting as grandparenthood is, it’s easy to find yourselves walking the tightrope between being helpful and accidentally overstepping.
The key is to approach grandparenting as a team, creating a unified approach to support your children and grandchildren while preserving your own relationship and respecting boundaries.
Let’s dive deeper into how you and your partner can enjoy grandparenting, offer meaningful help, and still protect the independence of your adult children.
Embrace the Shift—Together
Grandparenting isn’t just a new role; it’s a significant transition for both you and your partner.
Just as you once adapted to becoming parents, you’ll now need to adjust to grandparenthood. What makes this stage special is the opportunity to rekindle a sense of partnership with your spouse.
Grandparenting is about teamwork—both in supporting your children and being intentional about how you spend time with your grandkids.
Research on family systems theory emphasizes the importance of balance in familial roles as families evolve (Bowen, 1978).
When grandparents are mindful of their role within the family, it can positively affect family cohesion and reduce conflict. However, over-involvement can disrupt family dynamics, particularly in the context of adult children asserting their own parenting styles. This is where maintaining balance is crucial.
How to Be Supportive Without Overstepping
Respect Their Parenting Decisions—Even If It’s Hard
Your children will likely have their own parenting philosophies, some of which may differ from the way you raised them.
That’s natural.
The world has changed, and with it, parenting trends and techniques.
Parenting styles have evolved since the days of “seen but not heard” children. For example, today’s parents are more likely to engage in what Baumrind’s research refers to as authoritative parenting—a balanced approach that encourages open communication and empathy, which might look different from what you remember (Baumrind, 1966).
If your children are following new practices like gentle parenting or limiting screen time, it’s important to respect their approach. Instead of jumping in with suggestions, take a step back and offer to listen. They’ll appreciate that you respect their decisions, which creates a foundation of trust.
Dr. Laurence Steinberg, a leading expert on adolescence and parenting, emphasizes that respect for your children’s autonomy fosters their confidence as parents (Steinberg, 2004). Trying to control or direct their parenting decisions can undermine this confidence, leading to tension.
Offer Help—But Let Them Take the Lead
One of the most valuable lessons for grandparents is learning when to step in and when to step back. Offering help is wonderful, but it’s important to let your children determine when and how they need it.
Research from self-determination theory (Ryan & Deci, 2000) shows that people thrive when they feel in control of their decisions and supported rather than managed. Grandparents who ask, “How can we help?” rather than taking over create a more collaborative and empowering environment.
Being emotionally supportive without assuming responsibility is key. Avoid slipping into the role of a third parent, and instead, let your adult children lead the way.
Maintain Boundaries as a Couple
Grandparenting often brings out different expectations in each partner. One might want to be more involved, while the other prefers to maintain distance. It’s important to communicate openly about how you both want to approach this new phase. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman notes that couples who frequently discuss their expectations and check in with each other are more likely to maintain a strong, connected relationship (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Discuss things like:
How much time can you realistically commit to the grandchildren?
What boundaries do you need to set for yourselves so grandparenting doesn’t consume your time together?
How will you manage conflict if one of you disagrees with how much or how little involvement is appropriate?
Clarifying expectations early will help you avoid misunderstandings and resentment later on.
Emotional Boundaries: Hold Back When Needed
It’s natural to want to offer advice to your children, but timing and tone matter.
Research on emotional intelligence (Goleman, 1995) shows that high emotional intelligence—being aware of your own feelings and how they affect others—helps you navigate complex family dynamics.
If you find yourself biting your tongue to avoid giving unsolicited advice, congratulate yourself! You’re practicing emotional regulation.
Criticism or judgment can erode your relationship with your adult children, especially in front of the grandchildren. Keeping emotionally charged comments to yourself, while supporting your child’s choices, creates a harmonious family environment.
In his research, psychologist Edward Deci emphasizes that supporting autonomy and minimizing pressure fosters healthier family dynamics (Deci & Ryan, 2000). Letting go of control can lead to more positive interactions with both your children and grandchildren.
Building Strong Grandparent-Grandchild Relationships
Create Special Traditions
One of the joys of grandparenting is creating new memories and traditions. These don’t have to be grand or elaborate—they can be as simple as a weekly walk in the park, baking cookies together, or reading the same book every time they visit.
Research on rituals and traditions within families suggests that creating consistent, positive rituals strengthens family bonds and helps children feel secure (Fiese et al., 2002). These traditions also provide a sense of stability and predictability, something that children (and their parents) deeply appreciate.
By establishing your own unique traditions with the grandchildren, you can foster strong, loving relationships while staying in your lane as the grandparent.
Relish the Fun Stuff—Leave the Tough Stuff to the Parents
One of the best parts of being a grandparent is that you can enjoy the fun aspects of child-rearing without the stress of daily responsibilities. While it’s natural to want to offer guidance on discipline, it’s important to follow your adult children’s lead.
Research by Dr. Susan Newman highlights that grandparents play a significant role in emotional development when they provide a loving, safe environment, separate from discipline (Newman, 2012). By sticking to the fun stuff and respecting your child’s boundaries around rules and discipline, you’ll maintain your grandkids’ trust and your child’s respect.
Avoiding Burnout: Enjoying Grandparenthood on Your Terms
Set Limits on Your Involvement
Being available for your family is important, but it’s equally crucial to protect your time and energy. Burnout can sneak up when you’re too involved in your grandchildren’s lives. Setting limits early on prevents you from feeling overextended.
A study on grandparent involvement by Dr. Merril Silverstein (2010) found that grandparents who maintain a balanced approach—helping when needed but keeping their own lives intact—are more satisfied with their grandparenting experience. Be sure to keep your own hobbies, social life, and couple time sacred. It’s okay to say no sometimes.
Celebrate Milestones, Without Expecting to Control Them
Grandparents naturally want to be part of major life events—first steps, birthdays, graduations—but it’s important to allow your adult children to control these moments. As sociologist Dr. Vern Bengtson notes, intergenerational solidarity—mutual respect between generations—can be enhanced when grandparents step back and let the parents take the lead (Bengtson et al., 2009).
Trust that your children will share special moments with you and be available to celebrate when invited. Creating your own unique experiences with your grandchildren—outside of the typical milestones—can also strengthen your bond in meaningful ways.
Be Kind, Laugh Often, and Let Go of Control
At the heart of successful grandparenting is the ability to let go of control and embrace your new role with flexibility, humor, and love.
The relationship you build with your grandchildren is one that will endure long after the challenges of navigating boundaries have faded.
Work together as a team. That way, you and your partner can enjoy the unique joys of grandparenthood while preserving strong, healthy relationships with your children.
Remember: Your grandkids may forget the rules you followed, but they’ll always remember the love, laughter, and warmth you brought to their lives.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of Authoritative Parental Control on Child Behavior. Child Development, 37(4), 887-907.
Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "What" and "Why" of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268.
Fiese, B. H., Tomcho, T. J., Douglas, M., Josephs, K., Poltrock, S., & Baker, T. (2002). A Review of 50 Years of Research on Naturally Occurring Family Routines and Rituals: Cause for Celebration? Journal of Family Psychology, 16(4), 381-390.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Newman, S. (2012). Nobody’s Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship with Your Mother and Father. Bloomsbury Publishing.
Silverstein, M., & Bengtson, V. L. (2010). Intergenerational Solidarity and the Structure of Adult-Child Relations in American Families. American Sociological Review, 71(2), 233-256.
Steinberg, L. (2004). The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting. Simon & Schuster.