Goblin Mode in Relationships: When Comfy Turns into Complacency (and How to Keep the Spark Alive)

Wednesday, September 18, 2024.

We all know the feeling: After a long week, you’re in full “Goblin Mode”—hair disheveled, snacks at arm’s reach, and zero plans to leave the couch.

Frankly, you and your partner are comfortably indulging in the least amount of effort possible.

While there’s nothing wrong with cozying up in sweatpants for a Netflix binge, what happens when Goblin Mode takes over your relationship?

And should you be concerned about falling into relationship complacency?

Goblin Mode in relationships refers to the phase where both partners feel so comfortable that they stop putting in effort.

The little gestures that once made the relationship special? They’ve slowly disappeared behind pizza boxes and forgotten date nights.

But while Goblin Mode might sound fun, can it also signal a deeper issue like relationship neglect?

What Is "Goblin Mode" in Relationships?

Goblin Mode is all about letting go—of societal expectations, daily routines, and sometimes, well, personal hygiene.

In a relationship, Goblin Mode behavior might include skipping date nights, avoiding deep conversations, or no longer caring about impressing your partner. You might think, “We’re just super comfortable with each other,” but when comfort turns into relationship laziness, it can erode emotional connection and intimacy.

Couples who get stuck in Goblin Mode often find that while they’re co-existing, they’re not necessarily connecting. And in the long run, that can spell trouble.

The Fine Line Between Comfort and Complacency

Relationship comfort is fantastic—it’s a sign that you feel safe, accepted, and relaxed around your partner. But when that comfort turns into relationship complacency, problems start to surface.

According to relationship research, ongoing effort is essential to keeping the emotional connection strong (Gottman, 1994). Even in long-term partnerships, those small romantic gestures and meaningful interactions go a long way in maintaining attraction.

Being stuck in Goblin Mode means these little efforts often fade away. You stop making time for deep talks, you start to tune each other out, and before you know it, you’re spending more time with your phone than with your partner.

The Hidden Consequences of Goblin Mode

One of the biggest risks of staying in Goblin Mode too long is the gradual erosion of emotional and physical attraction. While comfort is key, research by Fletcher et al. (1999) shows that relationship satisfaction is closely tied to mutual investment. In other words, the more effort both partners put into the relationship, the more fulfilling and long-lasting it is.

Let’s face it: It’s hard to feel connected when you haven’t had a meaningful conversation in days. And when sweatpants become a permanent uniform, it’s easy for emotional disconnection to sneak in.

Why Do We Go Goblin?

We slip into Goblin Mode for various reasons, but it’s often a combination of stress, emotional exhaustion, and avoidance.

According to attachment theory (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016), partners with avoidant tendencies might retreat into low-effort behaviors to avoid emotional vulnerability.

But even partners without avoidant tendencies can fall into relationship laziness when life gets hectic. Goblin Mode can be a coping mechanism for emotional burnout, but if unchecked, it can lead to long-term relationship problems.

How to Balance Goblin Mode and Effort in Your Relationship

• So, how do you embrace your inner goblin while keeping your relationship healthy? It’s all about balance. Here are some tips to help you stay connected while still enjoying your lazy days:

• Plan Goblin Days: Set aside dedicated days where you both go full goblin—sweats, snacks, and zero judgment. But balance these days with others where you make an effort to reconnect and show your partner they matter. According to Gottman’s research (1994), even small, regular moments of connection can strengthen relationships.

• Show Up in Small Ways: You don’t need to ditch the sweatpants completely, but making a little effort—whether it’s through compliments, a surprise note, or quality conversation—can keep the spark alive. Emotional investment doesn’t always mean big gestures; it’s often the little things that matter.

• Communicate About Comfort Levels: If you or your partner are spending too much time in Goblin Mode, have an open conversation about what each of you needs. Sometimes, feeling disconnected can be a sign of stress or emotional overload. Talking about these feelings can prevent relationship complacency from setting in.

• Break the Routine with Novelty: Studies by Aron et al. (2000) suggest that couples who engage in new activities together feel more connected. Plan something different—whether it’s a new hobby or a weekend getaway—to break up the routine and bring back some excitement.

Goblin Mode: Temporary Escape or Long-Term Problem?

At the end of the day, Goblin Mode is relatable because we’ve all been there.

But it’s important to recognize when this phase starts to impact your relationship. While it’s okay to embrace your inner goblin occasionally, relationships thrive on effort and attention. Striking the right balance between being comfortable and being present in your relationship is key.

So, enjoy your goblin days—just make sure to step out of them now and then to show your partner that they’re worth getting out of bed for.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273-284.

Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., & Thomas, G. (1999). Ideals, perceptions, and evaluations in early relationship development. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(6), 933-940.

Gottman, J. M. (1994). Why marriages succeed or fail. Simon & Schuster.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.

Stafford, L., & Canary, D. J. (1991). Maintenance strategies and romantic relationship type, gender, and relational characteristics. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 8(2), 217-242.