Ghostlighting: Understanding the New Relationship Trend
Thursday, August 8, 2024.
Modern dating has new trends, and behaviors often surface, reflecting the evolving dynamics of relationships.
One such alarming trend is "ghostlighting."
This term, a portmanteau of ghosting and gaslighting, describes a particularly insidious behavior where someone abruptly cuts off all communication (ghosting) and, upon re-establishing contact, manipulates the other person into doubting their memory or perception of events (gaslighting).
As a science-based couples therapist, I aim to provide a comprehensive explanation of ghostlighting, who might engage in it, and how to recognize and cope with it.
What is Ghostlighting?
Ghostlighting is a toxic relational tactic where an individual not only vanishes from the relationship without warning (ghosting) but, when they do reappear, they distort the truth and manipulate the other person’s perception of reality (gaslighting). This combination can leave the victim feeling confused, hurt, and questioning their sanity.
Imagine this scenario: You’ve been dating someone for a few months. The relationship seems to be progressing well, with frequent communication and shared experiences. Suddenly, without any warning, your partner stops responding to your texts and calls. Weeks later, they reappear, acting as if nothing unusual happened or, even more disturbingly, suggesting that you are overreacting or misremembering the previous events. This gaslighting element makes you question your own reality and experiences, creating a profound sense of disorientation.
The Emotional and Psychological Impact
The effects of ghostlighting can be deeply damaging. This behavior combines the heartbreak of ghosting with the psychological manipulation of gaslighting, leading to a range of negative outcomes:
Emotional Distress: The sudden disappearance can cause intense feelings of abandonment and rejection, while the gaslighting can lead to confusion and self-doubt.
Self-Doubt: By questioning your reality and memory, gaslighting undermines your self-confidence and trust in your perceptions.
Trust Issues: Experiencing ghostlighting can make it challenging to trust future partners, fostering a guarded and skeptical approach to new relationships.
Who Engages in Ghostlighting?
Understanding the type of person who might engage in ghostlighting can offer valuable insights. Generally, folks who ghostlight tend to exhibit certain personality traits and behaviors:
Narcissistic Tendencies: Those with narcissistic personality traits often lack empathy and view relationships primarily as means to an end, manipulating others to maintain control and superiority.
Avoidant Attachment Style: Folks with Avoidant Attachment styles might ghostlight as a way to avoid emotional intimacy and vulnerability, resorting to disappearance and manipulation rather than facing relationship challenges directly.
Lack of Emotional Intelligence: People who struggle with understanding and managing emotions might ghostlight because they are unable to handle relational conflicts maturely and responsibly.
Example of Ghostlighting:
Sarah and Tom have been dating for six months. Everything seems perfect until one day, Tom stops responding to Sarah’s calls and texts. Heartbroken and confused, Sarah tries to move on. Three weeks later, Tom resurfaces, acting as if nothing happened. When Sarah questions him, Tom accuses her of being overly dramatic and claims that she’s blowing things out of proportion, making Sarah doubt her own feelings and experiences.
Recognizing and Coping with Ghostlighting
Identifying ghostlighting can be tricky due to its manipulative nature. Here are some signs to watch out for:
Sudden Disappearance: Your partner suddenly cuts off all communication without any explanation.
Distorted Reality: When they reappear, they manipulate the truth and make you question your memory or perception of events.
Blaming and Dismissing: They dismiss your concerns and blame you for overreacting or being overly sensitive.
How to Cope:
Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, trust your gut feelings and recognize that your perceptions and emotions are valid.
Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide support and help you process your feelings.
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries and let the ghostlighter know that their behavior is unacceptable.
Prioritize Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being and help rebuild your confidence and emotional strength.
Final thoughts
Ghostlighting is a deeply harmful trend in modern dating that combines the abrupt abandonment of ghosting with the psychological manipulation of gaslighting. Recognizing and understanding this behavior is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being and fostering healthier relationships.
By trusting your instincts, seeking support, and setting clear boundaries, you can navigate the dating landscape with resilience and clarity.
As we continue to discuss and raise awareness about mental health and relational dynamics, understanding ghostlighting can help us foster more respectful and compassionate relationships.
Let’s work together to ensure that everyone feels valued and understood in their dating experiences.
And remember, "If someone ghostlights you, it’s not a reflection of your worth but rather their inability to handle a mature relationship. You deserve better."
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
