Gaslighting or Just Forgetful? The Fine Line Between Manipulation and Miscommunication

Monday, March 10, 2025.

So you tell your partner, “We agreed you’d pick up the groceries,” and they respond with a blank stare of absolute innocence.

“I don’t remember that.”

And suddenly, your entire reality is on trial.

Did you actually have that conversation? Did you imagine it? Are you going insane? Or is this person slowly, methodically dismantling your sense of reality, brick by gaslit brick?

It’s a terrifying moment—one that has launched countless Reddit threads, therapy sessions, and awkward text conversations with friends that begin, “Hey, super weird question, but…”

So how do you know if you’re being gaslit or just dealing with someone who has the memory of a goldfish?

That’s what we’re here to figure out.

🧠 The Science of Remembering (Or Failing to Do So)

Before we go full paranoia, let’s acknowledge an uncomfortable truth: humans are terrible at remembering things accurately.

Not just some humans. Not just your partner. All humans.

Elizabeth Loftus, a cognitive psychologist and expert on memory, has spent decades proving that our memories are frighteningly unreliable (Loftus & Pickrell, 1995).

She’s demonstrated that people can be convinced they remember entire events that never happened just by suggesting the idea forcefully enough.

Let me repeat that for the people in the back:
You can have a memory of something that never happened.

Which means your partner might not be gaslighting you. They might just be a normal, forgetful human being whose brain, like everyone else's, is kind of a mess.

😵‍💫 Dissociative Trance: The Art of Being There But Not Really

Ever had a conversation with someone who seemed fully present, nodding along, only to later swear they never heard a word you said?

This could be dissociative trance—a temporary, mild disconnection from reality where the brain goes into “autopilot mode” (Cardeña, 1994).

Here’s how it works:

• Your partner is physically in the room, but their mind has drifted into the void—maybe replaying an embarrassing moment from third grade or mentally composing a tweet about how penguins have knees.

• They nod. They say, “Uh-huh.” But they absorb absolutely nothing.

• Later, when you bring up the conversation, they stare at you like you’re speaking Ancient Sumerian.

This is not gaslighting—this is somebody’s brain buffering like a bad Wi-Fi connection.

💨 “Wait, What Just Happened?” The Role of Absentmindedness and ADHD

If your partner genuinely does not remember something important, there’s a chance it’s not deliberate deception—it’s just bad memory encoding.

People with ADHD, high stress levels, or even normal absentmindedness sometimes fail to properly store memories in the first place (Brown, 2009).

Here’s what that looks like in real life:

• You: “Remember when we talked about visiting my parents this weekend?”

• Them: “We never talked about that.”

• Reality: You absolutely did, but they were internally wondering if ducks have regional accents when it happened.

Again, this isn’t gaslighting. It’s a brain that got distracted at exactly the wrong moment.

🚨 When It Is Gaslighting: The Manipulation Checklist

Okay, so some people forget things. Some people dissociate. Some people just suck at paying attention.

But gaslighting is different.

Gaslighting is a deliberate, calculated attempt to make you question your own sanity—not just forgetfulness or bad listening skills (Stern, 2018).

Here’s what real gaslighting looks like:

✔️ It’s a Pattern – Forgetfulness happens randomly. Gaslighting happens consistently and always benefits the gaslighter.

✔️ They Rewrite History – They don’t just forget things; they change the narrative so they’re always right and you’re always wrong.

✔️ You Feel Insane – Normal miscommunication leads to frustration. Gaslighting leads to deep self-doubt and confusion.

✔️ They Double Down – If someone truly forgot something, they’ll usually say, “Wow, I don’t remember that. Sorry.” A gaslighter will say, “That never happened. You’re making things up.”

✔️ They Isolate You – Gaslighters often convince their victims that no one else believes them either—a classic control tactic.

If your partner checks all these boxes, you’re not just dealing with a goldfish memory—you’re dealing with psychological warfare.

The Fine Line: Decoding the Difference

So, is your partner gaslighting you, or are they just a normal, fallible human being with the memory of a malfunctioning Roomba? The answer lies in the pattern of behavior.

If forgetfulness happens occasionally—maybe they blank on a conversation once in a while, but they acknowledge the possibility that they forgot—you’re likely dealing with an innocent case of mental buffering. When presented with proof, they usually say, “Oh wow, I really don’t remember that. Sorry!” They don’t get defensive, and they don’t insist that you’re losing your mind.

Gaslighting, on the other hand, has a distinct flavor of reality distortion. It’s not just that they forget—it’s that they consistently rewrite the past in a way that always seems to benefit them.

When you present evidence—texts, emails, or the memory of a conversation so clear it could be a court transcript—they don’t acknowledge it. Instead, they double down: “That never happened. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

If you push back, a forgetful person will usually admit, “Okay, maybe I did say that. My bad.”

But a gaslighter? They escalate. They don’t just deny—they make you doubt yourself. Suddenly, it’s not about the conversation anymore; it’s about your credibility, your memory, your emotional stability.

If you find yourself frequently wondering, Am I going crazy?—pause. That’s not normal forgetfulness. That’s psychological manipulation.

A person with an innocent memory lapse will seem genuinely confused when confronted with their forgetfulness. A gaslighter, however, will make you feel like the confused one.

And here’s the real kicker: if your partner truly forgets things, their memory lapses will be random. They’ll forget things that inconvenience them, too—like a dentist appointment or where they put their keys.

But a gaslighter’s “forgetfulness” is strategic—they only seem to forget the things that hold them accountable.

So if their memory only ever seems to malfunction when it’s convenient for them, if they never forget things that work in their favor, and if every conversation leaves you questioning your sanity rather than just their attention span—you’re not dealing with forgetfulness. You’re dealing with gaslighting.

🛑 Final Thought: When to Trust Your Gut

The scariest thing about gaslighting is that it erodes self-trust. You start wondering, “Am I too sensitive? Am I overreacting? Maybe I am making things up.”

If you feel like you’re constantly second-guessing yourself, take that feeling seriously.

And if your partner really is just forgetful, absentminded, or dissociating into the void—great. But either way, it’s worth addressing communication breakdowns before they become full-blown reality crises.

Because love should be built on trust, not constant fact-checking.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Brown, T. E. (2009). Attention deficit disorder: The unfocused mind in children and adults. Yale University Press.

Cardeña, E. (1994). The domain of dissociation. Psyche, 1(2), 3-20.

Loftus, E. F., & Pickrell, J. E. (1995). The formation of false memories. Psychiatric Annals, 25(12), 720-725.

Stern, R. (2018). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life. Harmony.