Understanding Limerence and the need for a cure…
Friday, May 17, 2024. Revised and updated.
What is limerence? Limerence is an emotional and mental state of deep, obsessive attachment to another person.
It often feels involuntary and is marked by an intense craving for reciprocity.
Why can limerence symptoms become so problematic that a limerence cure is necessary?
A person experiencing limerence (often referred to as a Limerence Experiencer, or LE) feels trapped by an obsessive romantic attachment to a Limerent Object (LO). Neuroscience is helping us better understand the disorienting nature of involuntary limerence, and this increased understanding may one day lead to a limerence cure.
For example, we now know that serotonin, a neurotransmitter in the brain that regulates mood, is at unusually low levels for the LE, similar to those suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. This imbalance in serotonin levels underscores the need for a limerence cure.
Why a Limerence Cure is Essential
A person suffering from limerence (the LE) is typically unfamiliar with the term. As they search the internet using more common terms such as "love addiction" or "obsessive love," they eventually encounter the term "limerence." Many people view their limerent state negatively, feeling impaired or even temporarily insane. Often, the LE feels a profound romantic attachment to an utterly inappropriate LO, leading to significant distress and isolation.
Limerence for an inappropriate other has attracted little interest in the mental health field. No diagnostic criteria or best-practice treatment plans exist because not every LE views their limerence negatively. Some couples even feel illegitimate because they did not experience limerence, questioning if their pragmatic approach to dating was a mistake.
What We Know About Limerence Symptoms
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov was the first to explore the limerent state. Her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, remains a classic on the subject. New research, however, is focusing on the neuroscience behind limerence symptoms. Researchers Wakin & Vo (2008) define limerence as “an involuntary state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors contingent upon perceived emotional reciprocation from the object of interest.”
The difference between love and limerence lies in the degree of intensity. Early feelings of romantic love and limerence may appear similar, but the intensity of limerent feelings can make both the LE and the LO profoundly uncomfortable. The key aspect that distinguishes limerence from healthy attachment is the need for reciprocity. Limerence subordinates the well-being of the LO, prioritizing the LE’s obsession over shared enjoyment and mutuality.
The 12 Limerence Symptoms
Intrusive thinking about the LO primarily as a sexual partner.
Intense longing for reciprocity.
Any actions by the LO significantly impact the LE’s mood.
Limerence is singularly focused.
Fantasies of romantic reciprocity can temporarily calm the nervous system.
The LE may be incredibly fearful of rejection and painfully shy.
Obstacles and adversity can intensify limerent feelings.
The LE looks for signs and imagines hidden passion.
Uncertainty provokes heartache and agitation.
A feeling of lightness if reciprocation is perceived.
All other concerns and interests fade and are often neglected.
There is little or no perception of any defect in the LO.
How Limerence Symptoms Take Hold of the Brain
Neuroscience reveals that limerence begins with crystallization, an intense awareness of attractive traits while ignoring less desirable ones. The image of the LO conforms to an idealized romantic conception. The first crystallization involves the LE's preoccupation with the LO taking up about 30% of waking thought. If intrusive thoughts become noticeable, it’s a good time to seek a therapist and start a protocol for a limerence cure.
The second crystallization occurs when the LO consumes nearly 100% of the LE's waking thought, leading to obsessive despair or ecstasy with each interaction. Powerful neurochemicals, such as Oxytocin, Norepinephrine, Dopamine, Testosterone, Estrogen, and Phenylethylamine, drive limerence symptoms.
What Do We Know About a Limerence Cure?
Inappropriate or non-reciprocated limerence typically expands until it hits a hard boundary. The LE aspires to be in the eternal presence of the beloved, which can lead to real-world stalking and cyber-stalking, creating legal issues. Cultural beliefs warn that stalkers are dangerous, but research suggests that limerent stalkers tend to be less dangerous (Mullen, Pathe & Purcell, 2000). Boundaries from the LO or significant others often help the LE begin to recover.
Guidelines for a Limerence Cure
If you suffer from inappropriate limerence and a boundary is imposed, research provides several self-directed limerence cure strategies:
Maintain a Strong Relationship: Ensure self-care and spend quality time with your partner. Avoid a life of quiet desperation, which can breed limerent infidelity.
Diet and Health: Limerence is a significant stressor. Helen Fisher (2004) suggests a diet to stabilize mood, including foods rich in tryptophan, like salmon and chicken, and supplements like Omega 3 and 5-HTP.
Affair Recovery: Address grief and decide to end the affair if it involves limerence. SSRIs may help by altering serotonin levels, but results can vary.
No Contact (NC): Tennov advises that the best cure for limerence is no contact. This may require significant lifestyle changes, including moving or changing jobs, and applies to online behavior.
Limited Contact (LC): If NC is impossible, establish firm boundaries to avoid unnecessary interactions and focus conversations on essential business.
Avoid Eye Contact: Eye contact can release oxytocin, intensifying limerence symptoms. Avoid covetous eye contact to help curb glimmer experiences.
Disclosure: Sharing your symptoms with a therapist can reduce their intensity and help you manage obsessive thoughts.
But who you disclose to and why should begin with the end in mind.
Get a therapist to help you. Disclose your inappropriate limerent attachment to your therapist. It will help you get the obsessive thoughts out of your head and into the open.
A good therapist can help you consider whether disclosing your situation to other people in your life is prudent.
People who suffer from limerence to an inappropriate person can change their compulsive behavior. The neurochemicals of limerence tend to fade over time. Most limerent brains recover within 36 months or less.
Resources for those suffering from inappropriate limerence:
http://limerence.net/ is a great website and support forum for those impacted by the pain of limerence. Whether you define your limerence symptoms as suffering from unrequited love, love addiction, obsessive love, romantic infatuation, or affair recovery, the limerence.net forum might help you in your recovery.
It’s a place for those pursuing a cure for their limerence. While it can’t replace in-person therapy, it can be an important first step in realizing that you are not alone and don’t have to suffer in silence. If you’ve ended your affair but still suffer from symptoms of limerence, Good couples therapy can help with that.
Final thoughts
People suffering from limerence can change their behavior and recover. The neurochemicals driving limerence tend to fade over time, with most folks recovering within 36 months or less. Understanding limerence and employing science-based strategies can help those affected regain control and move towards a healthier emotional state.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Bradley, N.M., Miccoli, L. Escrig, Ma. A., Lang, P.J. (2008) The pupils as a measure of Emotional arousal. Psychophysiology, 45 4 602-607.
Fisher, H. E. (2004) Why We Love; The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. New York. St. Martin’s Griffin.
Hargreaves, J. (2012) Nutrition Therapy Practitioner.
Moore, C. (2008) The development of Gaze Following. Child Development Perspectives. 2 66-70.
Mullen, P.E. Pathr, M., Purcell, R. (2000) Stalkers and Their Victims. Cambridge. University Press.
Tennov, D. (1979) Love and Limerence; The experience of Being in Love. New York. Scarborough House.
Unvas-Moberg, K., Francis.W.R. (2003) The Oxytocin Factor: Tapping the Hormone of Calm, Love, and healing. Da Capro press.
Wakin, A., Vo, D.B. (2008) Love-variant: The Wakin-Vo I.D.R. Model of Limerence. Inter-Disciplinary-Net 2nd Global Conference; Challenging Intimate Boundaries.
