Flooding… and what to do about it…
Monday, October 30, 2023. “Harsh words live in the dungeon of the heart.” Norman Mailer.
Therapists love to educate about flooding, and I’m no exception. Let's delve into more detail about the concept of being "flooded" in the context of relationships. Let’s also discuss its physiological and emotional aspects, and some strategies and best practices to manage it effectively, because flooding sucks.
Understanding emotional flooding and diffuse physiological arousal: The research of Dr. John Gottman
In the complex hokey-pokey dance of human relationships, emotional harmony and discord are shaped by many factors, some of which can lead to the most profound experiences of connection or, conversely, intense feelings of isolation and distress.
Among these factors, the concepts of "emotional flooding" and "diffuse physiological arousal" (DPA) have garnered significant attention, especially in the work of Dr. John Gottman, a preeminent researcher in the study of marriage and interpersonal relationships.
Gottman is the co-founder of the Gottman Institute and a Professor Emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington.
He has devoted much of his career to reverse-engineering the intricate mechanics of relationships and the predictors of marital success and failure.
In this post, I’d like to take a deeper dive than most relationship bloggers into Gottman's seminal research on flooding and DPA, shedding light on their implications for relationship dynamics and offering insights for fostering healthier emotional interactions.
The foundations of Gottman's research
Before unpacking the concepts of flooding and DPA, it's crucial to establish the foundation of Gottman's research.
His studies have often utilized a "love lab" setting, where couples are observed and their interactions are meticulously analyzed and scored (Gottman & Levenson, 1986).
Through this approach, Gottman identified the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling — which are negative communication patterns that, when present, significantly increase the likelihood of divorce (Gottman, 1994).
Flooding: The Overwhelmed Emotional State
Flooding is described as a sensation of being overwhelmed by one's partner's negativity, to the point where one feels defenseless (Gottman, 1999).
It's an emotional hijack, where the intensity of feeling takes over the ability to think and communicate effectively. In flooded states, individuals report feeling like they are 'drowning' or 'swamped' by their partner's words or actions.
Gottman's research showed that flooding often leads to more destructive behavior and a breakdown in communication. It is linked with the "fight or flight" response, as the overwhelmed individual either lashes back or withdraws entirely from the interaction (Gottman & Levenson, 1986).
Flooding is not only psychological but is also accompanied by physiological responses such as increased heart rate, the release of stress hormones, and heightened blood pressure — all of which can contribute to the deterioration of a relationship over time if not managed properly.
Flooding also train the nervous system to escalate conflicts by overdoing criticism and defensiveness. Conflict avoidant behaviors can also fuel frustration and escalation.
Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA)
DPA is the physiological basis for flooding, involving the simultaneous activation of a multitude of bodily systems in response to stress (Levenson & Gottman, 1985).
It's diffuse because it's not limited to one specific area of the body; rather, it spreads, affecting the cardiovascular, gastrointestinal, immune, and central nervous systems. DPA is a profoundly unpleasant, full-body experience.
Gottman's research posited that DPA could make it difficult for individuals to pay attention, listen, or problem-solve effectively (Gottman & Levenson, 1986). This takes human creativity off-line, as our escalating couple comes down with a scorching case of stupid.
In a series of studies, Gottman used physiological measures like heart rate, skin conductivity, and blood flow, to map out the arousal pathways during couples' interactions (Gottman & Levenson, 1986). These measures provided solid, objective evidence that described the subjective human experience of feeling flooded.
The role of heart rate in flooding and DPA
A critical finding from Gottman's research was the role of heart rate in predicting flooding.
Gottman found that a heart rate over 100 beats per minute was a reliable physiological indicator of flooding (Gottman, 1994).
This elevation in heart rate is part of the body's sympathetic nervous system's activation, preparing for a defensive action like fight or flight.
Gender differences in response to flooding
Interestingly, Gottman's research also pointed to differences in how men and women experience and respond to flooding.
Men are more likely to become physiologically flooded than women during conflict, and as a result, they often employ tactics to avoid such confrontations, such as stonewalling (Gottman, 1994).
This gender disparity is crucial for therapists and individuals alike to understand and address in relationship counseling and conflict resolution.
It’s not uncommon for couples new to science-based couples therapy to have a completely ass-backwards understanding of how a quibble becomes a quarrel.
How to spot Diffuse Physiological Arousal
Some of the critical signs that your nervous system has been overwhelmed by DPA include;
Increase in body temperature.
A rapid increase in heart rate (usually above 100bpm).
Reduction in hearing (you may hear white noise, silence, or even, oddly, musical tones)
Defensive posture, you’ve lost your ability be sympathetic or empathetic to your counterpart.
You are unable to think clearly, or problem solve, and you tend to repeat yourself, ad nauseum.
You can not bestow or receive affection.
Your sense of humor is decidedly offline.
You sweat more. you may notice physiological changes, such as sweaty palms.
The Four Horseman are steering the conversation; tactics of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are prevalent and escalating.
The implications of flooding on marital stability
Gottman's longitudinal studies demonstrated that the presence of flooding and DPA had a strong correlation with marital dissatisfaction and instability over time (Gottman & Levenson, 1992).
Couples who experienced higher levels of these phenomena were more likely to see their relationship quality diminish and were at a greater risk of eventual separation or divorce.
Managing Flooding and DPA: The Antidote to the "Four Horsemen"
The best researchers don’t merely identify and describe problems; they also also offer concrete AF solutions.
Gottman’s research suggested that the best remedy for the toxic impact of flooding and DPA, is for humans to develop skills in both self-soothing and emotional regulation (Gottman, 1999).
This might include techniques such as deep breathing, taking time-outs during heated arguments, and practicing mindfulness to lower the physiological arousal and reengage in communication effectively.
The Role of science-based couples therapy and effective interventions…
Gottman's findings on flooding and DPA have profound implications for how good couples therapist craft effective interventions.
Couples therapy, according to Gottman, should focus on helping partners acquire what many therapists call “an observing self”
It’s vital that couples recognize the signs of flooding, assess the toxic risk of open conflict, and employ strategies to reduce their physiological arousal, ideally by regulating themselves, and helping their spouse to do likewise. This will tend to enhance communication and problem-solving in relationships (Gottman, 1999).
Criticisms and limitations of Gottman's research
Although Gottman is perhaps the premier researcher in the field of couples therapy, Gottman's work is not without its critics.
Some argue that the observational settings of the love lab may not sufficiently replicate real-life interactions, and that the focus on negative patterns may overlook positive dynamics that can be equally predictive of relationship success (Karney & Bradbury, 1995).
Karney and Bradbury emphasized that we need longitudinal research to guide the process of inquiry. They identify the significance of stressful events, and the enduring vulnerabilities that dog partners in their intimate relationships. Adaptive processes used to mitigate the couple’s distress, are expanded and developed by the use of powerful clinical interventions. I can help with that.
Final thoughts on flooding and diffuse physiological arousal
The careful exploration of flooding and diffuse physiological arousal in Gottman’s work provides valuable insights into the mechanics of conflict and stress in relationships.
Understanding the bio-mechanics of getting pissed off is essential for angry humans struggling to navigate the conflicting demands of emotional communication and intimacy.
By recognizing the signs of flooding and taking proactive steps to mitigate DPA, couples can enhance their ability to manage conflict, thus fostering greater emotional resilience and stability in their relationships. I can definitely help with that.
Gottman's legacy lies not only in identifying the patterns that threaten relationship health, but also in illuminating the pathways toward emotional understanding and mutual support. We must continue to do better… and we are.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc.
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1986). Assessing the role of emotion in marriage. Behavioral Assessment, 8(1), 31-48.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-233.
Karney, B.R., & Bradbury, T.N. (1995). The longitudinal course of marital quality and stability: a review of theory, method, and research. Psychological bulletin, 118 1, 3-34 .
Levenson, R. W., & Gottman, J. M. (1985). Physiological and affective predictors of change in relationship satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
Malik J, Heyman RE, Smith Slep AM. Emotional flooding in response to negative affect in couple conflicts: Individual differences and correlates. J Fam Psychol. 2020 Mar;34(2):145-154. doi: 10.1037/fam0000584. Epub 2019 Aug 8. PMID: 31393141; PMCID: PMC7007326.
