Emotional Shutdowns: how to communicate when your partner clams up
Saturday, July 13, 2024.
Ever feel like you’re talking to a wall when your partner emotionally shuts down?
Being ready for a heart-to-heart while your spouse has mentally checked out can be incredibly frustrating.
This common relationship hiccup often stems from underlying emotional triggers, so don’t take it personally.
Instead, let’s consider the reasons behind these shutdowns and how to keep the lines of communication open, all while keeping your sanity intact.
Why Do Emotional Shutdowns Happen?
Conflict Aversion
One major culprit behind emotional shutdowns is conflict aversion. Your partner might have a history of conflicts gone wrong or simply hasn’t learned how to handle emotional triggers. So, instead of facing the music, they prefer to avoid the whole song and dance.
Slow Emotional Processing
Another factor is slow emotional processing, sometimes referred to as alexithymia. This means your partner struggles to identify or express their emotions. For them, it’s easier to retreat than articulate their feelings. But remember, labeling them as emotionally unintelligent isn’t helpful and could come off as judgmental.
Trauma and Past Experiences
Unresolved trauma or bad experiences with past conflicts can also lead to emotional withdrawal. If your partner's past has been riddled with distressing situations, shutting down might be their go-to defense mechanism.
Understanding and supporting your partner
Building Emotional Comfort
Help your partner feel more at ease with their emotions. Start with simple, positive conversations. For instance, ask what they thought about a recent movie or share your feelings about a pleasant experience together.
“I really enjoy our evening walks because we get to catch up without distractions. How do you feel about them?”
“I’m thinking of hosting a BBQ to get to know our neighbors better this summer. What do you think?”
Compassion Over Conflict
Approach your partner’s shutdowns with compassion rather than taking it as a personal slight. Emotional withdrawal is often a fight-or-flight response to feeling overwhelmed. Your patience and empathy can do wonders in easing their distress and fostering a supportive environment.
The Power of Metacommunication
Metacommunication, or talking about how we talk, can be a game-changer. Focus on expressing your feelings and needs without making it about their faults.
For example:
“I’ve been feeling distant, and I’m not sure how to ask for a hug when you seem stressed after work. I need help figuring out how to balance my needs with your need for space.”
“During our last argument, I felt hurt by your comments. I want us to have some guidelines for disagreements so they don’t get nasty. I love you and want us both to feel cared for, even when we disagree.”
Be Clear and Direct
State your points clearly and express your desires openly. This not only models effective communication but also encourages your partner to reciprocate.
Final thoughts
If you’re not making headway or if your partner resists your efforts, it might be time to bring in a science-based couples therapist.
. A good couples therapist can help uncover the root causes of their emotional withdrawal and teach both of you practical and effective communication strategies. While couples therapy is ideal, individual sessions might also offer valuable insights into your own emotional needs and how to express them effectively. I can help with that
Remember, assessing your own emotional well-being is crucial before you can support someone else.
Navigating emotional shutdowns in a relationship can be challenging, but understanding the underlying causes and adopting compassionate communication strategies can make a significant difference.
You’ll need to create an environment of empathy and openness It can help your partner feel more comfortable expressing their feelings and, ultimately, strengthen your relationship.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
