Emotional Hoarding: How We Hold onto Feelings Like Clutter and Why It’s Hurting Our Relationships

Tuesday, September 17, 2024.

When we think of hoarding, images of cluttered rooms packed with objects come to mind—newspapers stacked to the ceiling, boxes of unused items, and a refusal to let go.

But what if this same concept applied to our emotions?

Emotional hoarding is an emerging idea that draws parallels to physical hoarding, but instead of collecting material objects, people accumulate unresolved feelings, grudges, and unprocessed emotions.

Much like physical hoarding, emotional hoarding can disrupt lives, harm relationships, and cause significant stress.

In this blog post, we’ll dive into the science behind emotional hoarding, compare it to the well-studied phenomenon of physical hoarding, and explore how both forms of accumulation affect our mental and relational health.

Could clearing out our emotional clutter be as crucial as decluttering our homes? Let’s find out, gentle reader.

What Is Emotional Hoarding?

Emotional hoarding refers to the tendency to hold onto emotions—whether they’re feelings of resentment, guilt, unresolved anger, or unspoken fears—rather than processing and letting them go.

Just like physical clutter, these emotional accumulations can create a mental and relational mess, making it difficult to engage in healthy, open communication or experience emotional freedom.

The concept of emotional hoarding is rooted in avoidance: some folks avoid dealing with painful or complex emotions and, as a result, "store" them away. Over time, this emotional baggage piles up, much like an attic full of boxes, and begins to block healthy relationship dynamics.

The Science of Physical Hoarding: A Brief Overview

Before we dig deeper into emotional hoarding, let’s take a quick look at the research on physical hoarding. Physical hoarding is classified as a mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

People who struggle with hoarding disorder have a persistent difficulty discarding possessions, regardless of their value. This behavior is often linked to anxiety, perfectionism, and even trauma (Frost & Gross, 1993).

Researchers have found that hoarding behaviors are associated with abnormalities in decision-making and cognitive processing. Folks with hoarding disorder tend to feel an intense emotional attachment to their possessions, believing that getting rid of them will cause them great distress (Tolin et al., 2008).

In many cases, hoarding is a way to manage anxiety—people feel safer when surrounded by their items, even if the clutter becomes overwhelming.

Interestingly, hoarding often stems from deeper psychological issues, such as compulsive behaviors, fear of loss, or an overwhelming sense of responsibility for their possessions (Grisham & Norberg, 2010). Could emotional hoarding follow a similar pattern? Let’s explore.

Emotional Hoarding vs. Physical Hoarding: Similarities and Differences

The connection between emotional hoarding and physical hoarding becomes clear when we examine their core dynamics. Both behaviors involve holding onto something—whether it’s physical items or unresolved emotions—out of fear, anxiety, or an inability to cope with letting go. In both cases, the accumulation leads to dysfunction, be it in one’s living space or one’s emotional and relational life.

Similarities Between Emotional and Physical Hoarding:

• Avoidance:
  One of the key similarities is avoidance. Just as someone with physical hoarding disorder avoids discarding possessions because it triggers anxiety, an emotional hoarder avoids dealing with emotions, believing that facing them head-on will be too painful or overwhelming. The result? Both forms of hoarding create clutter—physical or emotional—that prevents healthy functioning.

• Emotional Attachment:
  Research tells us that folks who hoard emotionally or physically tend to develop deep attachments.

  In physical hoarding, people form emotional bonds with their possessions, believing these objects hold sentimental value or potential future use.

  Emotional hoarders, on the other hand, may cling to past hurts or unresolved feelings because they represent something significant, whether it’s a grievance, a regret, or even unfulfilled hopes.

• Impact on Well-Being:
  Both types of hoarding lead to stress, overwhelm, and disruption of daily life. Physical hoarders may experience health and safety risks due to clutter, while emotional hoarders may find themselves trapped in cycles of unresolved tension, unable to move forward in their relationships or personal growth.

Differences Between Emotional and Physical Hoarding:

Visibility:
One major difference between emotional hoarding and physical hoarding is visibility.

Physical hoarding is tangible; you can see the piles of possessions and clutter. Emotional hoarding, by contrast, often remains hidden. People might outwardly appear to function well, but internally they may be weighed down by emotional baggage that manifests in subtle ways, such as difficulty in communication or recurring relational conflicts.

• Cognitive Patterns:
  While physical hoarding is associated with decision-making deficits and a need for control over physical objects, emotional hoarding revolves around an inability to process or release emotions. Physical hoarders might struggle with decisions like "Should I throw this away?", while emotional hoarders face questions like "Should I confront this person?" or "Can I forgive myself?"

• Relational Impact:
  Physical hoarding can strain relationships due to the visible mess it creates, often leading to frustration or isolation. Emotional hoarding strains relationships more subtly, through emotional distance, unaddressed conflict, or unspoken resentment. Emotional hoarders might avoid difficult conversations or withhold their true feelings, leading to misunderstandings and erosion of trust.

The Social Science of Emotional Hoarding

Although emotional hoarding isn’t yet as extensively studied as physical hoarding, psychology provides insight into the behaviors that drive it. Emotional hoarding is closely linked to emotional regulation, attachment theory, and trauma responses.

Emotional Regulation and Avoidance

Research suggests that individuals who struggle with emotional hoarding may have difficulty with emotional regulation—the ability to manage and respond to emotions in a healthy way. Studies in Emotion highlight that avoidance is a common emotional regulation strategy, but it often leads to longer-term emotional distress and poor relational outcomes (Gross & John, 2003). By avoiding difficult emotions, emotional hoarders inadvertently amplify them, much like clutter grows when left unaddressed.

Attachment and Emotional Hoarding

Attachment theory also plays a role in emotional hoarding. People with insecure attachment styles—those who fear abandonment or rejection—are more likely to hoard emotions. Just as individuals with anxious attachment cling to relationships for fear of loss, they may also cling to unresolved emotions, believing that processing or expressing them might lead to rejection or conflict (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).

Trauma and Emotional Hoarding

Trauma can also lead to emotional hoarding. Much like how trauma can trigger physical hoarding, it can cause individuals to hold onto unresolved emotions as a defense mechanism. For example, someone who has experienced emotional neglect or abuse may struggle to express or release feelings for fear of vulnerability. This emotional accumulation serves as a protective barrier but also creates emotional isolation, similar to how physical clutter can create isolation in the home (van der Kolk, 2014).

How to Declutter Emotionally

• Just as decluttering a physical space can lead to a sense of relief and clarity, emotionally decluttering can have powerful benefits for your mental health and relationships. Here are a few steps toward emotional decluttering:

• Acknowledge Your Emotional Clutter:
  Just as physical hoarders must first recognize the clutter in their homes, emotional hoarders need to recognize the emotional baggage they’re holding onto. What unresolved feelings are taking up space in your mind and heart?

• Practice Emotional Processing:
  Start by allowing yourself to feel and process emotions, rather than avoiding them. Whether it’s through journaling, therapy, or deep conversations, give yourself permission to address the emotions you’ve been hoarding.

• Let Go of Emotional Attachments:
  Just as a physical hoarder must let go of items they don’t need, emotional hoarders must let go of feelings that no longer serve them. This might mean forgiving someone, letting go of past regrets, or resolving to confront a long-standing conflict.

• Seek Professional Help:
  If emotional hoarding feels overwhelming, working with a therapist can provide the tools and support necessary to navigate and release your emotional clutter. I went through this myself, and even though I’ve made some mistakes, they were important life lessons that changed me in a positive way.

Asking the Right Questions

As we reflect on emotional hoarding, we must ask: Are we holding onto emotions that no longer serve us? What impact is this emotional clutter having on our relationships? And how can we create space for emotional clarity, healing, and connection?

Understanding emotional hoarding helps us see that emotional health requires regular "decluttering."

Just as a cluttered house can make you feel trapped, emotional clutter can block you from experiencing the freedom and connection that come from vulnerability and openness. The good news is, with the right strategies, we can let go of what weighs us down and make space for emotional growth.

REFERENCES:
Frost, R. O., & Gross, R. C. (1993). The hoarding of possessions. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 31(4), 367-381.

Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348-362.

Grisham, J. R., & Norberg, M. M. (2010). Compulsive hoarding: Current controversies and new directions. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 24(7), 779-785