A discussion with Dr. Vagdevi Meunier on BIPOC couples therapy for infidelity…

Tuesday, May 14, 2024.

In a previous life, I was involved in what is perhaps now the world's largest science-based couples therapy practice. They now boast near 40 therapists, and speak about a dozen languages fluently… couplestherapyinc.com (CTI).

I’m very proud to have had a small role in shaping that organization’s values and essential principles. Because we aspired to become an international practice, our competence in working with international multi-racial and bi-racial couples was crucial from the start.

One of the most important people who shaped my values at that time was Dr. Vagdevi Meunier.

During Vagdevi’s tenure at CTI, she taught me that when conducting couples therapy for multi-racial and bi-racial couples, it's essential to recognize the unique dynamics and challenges that can arise within these relationships.

I’m pleased to host Dr. Vagdevi Meunier on my first video edition of the Better Relationships through Research Podcast. We discuss BIPOC infidelity, and the challenges faced by ill-trained couples therapists.

BIPOC is a relatively new acronym used to describe racial minorities. POC is widely used as an umbrella term for all people of color, but now a different acronym is suddenly gaining traction on the internet — BIPOC, which stands for Black, Indigenous, People of Color.

Because Vagdevi influenced me, I understood the importance of appropriate training and staying current with how race, class, and culture are engaged. I sought out an expert supervisor to help me do the best clinical work possible.

Dr. Kyle Killian, a prominent researcher in this field, also emphasizes acknowledging and validating each partner's diverse cultural backgrounds and experiences.

Five years ago, as I was building this large group practice, I sought out Dr. Killian and asked him to supervise my clinical work formally because he was exactly what I needed, and still need, to be the best therapist I can be.

Here's a framework for doing good couples therapy for multi-racial and bi-racial couples, drawing Vagdevi and Kyle’s shared ideas and values:

Cultural Sensitivity and Awareness: Begin by fostering a safe and nonjudgmental environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and cultural identities. Encourage open dialogue about the role of culture in their relationship and how it influences their perspectives, values, and communication styles.

Exploration of Cultural Identity: Help each partner explore and understand their cultural identity, including how they perceive themselves and others within different cultural contexts. This exploration may involve discussing family backgrounds, experiences of discrimination or privilege, and how their cultural identities intersect.

Communication Skills Development: Focus on enhancing communication skills that facilitate understanding, empathy, and mutual respect. Encourage active listening, validation of each other's experiences, and the ability to navigate difficult conversations about race, ethnicity, and cultural differences without defensiveness or conflict.

Conflict Resolution Strategies: Teach conflict resolution strategies that honor both individual and cultural differences. Emphasize the importance of compromise, negotiation, and finding common ground while also respecting each partner's autonomy and cultural heritage.

Addressing External Stressors: Recognize and address the external stressors and challenges that multi-racial and bi-racial couples may face, such as societal discrimination, family expectations, and cultural stereotypes. Help the couple develop coping mechanisms and support systems to navigate these challenges together.

Celebration of Diversity: Encourage the couple to celebrate their diversity as a strength rather than a source of conflict or division. Explore ways to incorporate and honor each partner's cultural traditions, customs, and values within their relationship and family life.

Cultural Competence of the Therapist: Lastly, ensure that the therapist is culturally competent and sensitive to the unique needs and experiences of multi-racial and bi-racial couples. Continuously educate oneself about different cultural perspectives, identities, and dynamics to provide effective and culturally responsive therapy.

Cultural Exploration and Identity Development: Begin by encouraging each partner to explore and understand their own cultural background and identity. This may involve discussions about family traditions, values, and experiences related to race and ethnicity. Dr. Killian highlights the significance of embracing one's cultural identity while also respecting and appreciating their partner's background.

Communication Skills Building: Effective communication is crucial in any relationship, but particularly in multi-racial and bi-racial couples where misunderstandings related to cultural differences can arise. Therapists can facilitate open and honest communication by teaching active listening techniques, assertiveness skills, and conflict-resolution strategies. Dr. Killian emphasizes the importance of creating a safe, non-judgmental space where couples feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings.

Exploration of Privilege and Power Dynamics: In many multi-racial relationships, there may be disparities in privilege and power based on race. Exploring these dynamics openly and honestly within the therapeutic setting is essential. Dr. Killian suggests examining how societal structures and systems of oppression impact the relationship dynamics and individual experiences of each partner. This exploration can help foster empathy, understanding, and support between partners.

Cultural Competency Training: Therapists working with multi-racial and bi-racial couples should undergo cultural competency training to understand the complexities of interracial relationships better. Dr. Killian emphasizes the importance of therapists recognizing their biases and remaining culturally sensitive throughout the therapeutic process. This includes being mindful of language use, avoiding assumptions, and being open to learning from clients' experiences.

Embracing Cultural Hybridity: Instead of viewing cultural differences as obstacles, therapists can help couples embrace the concept of cultural hybridity, where individuals integrate aspects of multiple cultures into their identity. Dr. Killian encourages couples to celebrate their unique cultural blend and find strength in their diversity. This perspective shift can promote resilience and cohesion within the relationship.

Addressing External Pressures and Social Stigma: Multi-racial and bi-racial couples may face external pressures and social stigma from family members, friends, and society at large. Therapists should validate these experiences and provide couples with specific coping skills to navigate challenging situations. Dr. Killian emphasizes the importance of building a support network of individuals who affirm and validate the relationship.

Creating Shared Meaning and Rituals: Therapists can help multi-racial and bi-racial couples create shared meaning and rituals that honor their cultural backgrounds while also forging a new, shared identity. This may involve incorporating traditions from both partners' cultures into everyday life and special occasions. Dr. Killian highlights the importance of these shared experiences in strengthening the bond between partners and fostering a sense of belonging.

Final thoughts

By adopting a culturally sensitive and inclusive approach to couples therapy, informed by the insights of Drs. Meunier, and Killian, and other contemporary research, therapists can support multi-racial and bi-racial couples in building strong, resilient, and fulfilling relationships.

Be well, stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Killian, K. D. (2016). Intercultural couples: Crossing boundaries, negotiating difference. Guilford Publications.

Killian, K. D. (2017). Interracial Couples, Intimacy, and Therapy: Crossing Racial Borders. Routledge.

Killian, K. D. (2018). Multicultural Couple Therapy. American Psychological Association.

Killian, K. D. (2019). Couple therapy for intercultural couples. In Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Psychology. Oxford University Press.

Killian, K. D. (2020). Counseling Across Cultures. SAGE Publications.

Lee, R. M., & Yoo, H. C. (2015). Structure and measurement of ethnic identity for Asian American college students. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 62(2), 241–252.

Neville, H. A., Lilly, R. L., Duran, G., Lee, R. M., & Browne, L. (2019). Construction and initial validation of the gendered racial microaggressions scale for black women. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 66(4), 428–442.

Spanierman, L. B., & Poteat, V. P. (2018). Exploring racial identity, racism, and white privilege in one-time group counseling sessions for white college students: A qualitative analysis. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 65(6), 652–664.