Disorganized Attachment and Narcissism…
Monday, March 25, 2024.
Disorganized Attachment and Narcissism…
Disorganized Attachment and Narcissism are two complex psychological constructs that have garnered significant attention in both clinical psychology and attachment science.
While Disorganized Attachment pertains to inconsistent and often chaotic relational patterns stemming from early caregiver experiences, Narcissism involves an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy.
Understanding the intersection of these phenomena is crucial for effective couples therapy and enhancing relational dynamics. Let’s consider the ideas of significant couples therapy and attachment science thought leaders regarding Disorganized Attachment and Narcissism…
Understanding Disorganized Attachment…
Disorganized Attachment, conceptualized by theory pioneers like Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, refers to a lack of coherent attachment strategies resulting from inconsistent caregiving experiences.
Children with Disorganized Attachment may exhibit contradictory behaviors, such as seeking proximity to and withdrawing from caregivers simultaneously. Dr. Daniel Siegel, a prominent figure in interpersonal neurobiology, emphasizes the role of unresolved trauma in shaping Disorganized Attachment patterns within humans.
Disorganized Attachment is also called the Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style.
This is a challenging style to bring into a narcissistic relationship. Trust issues, high anxiety, and high avoidance characterize it. There is a yo-yo dynamic that’s pretty volatile when one partner has a Disorganized Attachment Style and the other partner is a Narcissist.
It can feel like alternating between chaos and fear. The anger, despair, and depression from the Disorganized Attachment style head butts directly into the predictable emotional dysregulation found in the narcissistically self-absorbed.
When the narcissist rages, the Disorganized partner might tend to feel abandoned. Such is the plight of a human with Disorganized Attachment who is attached to a narcissist. They experience constant tension and a dread of being abandoned.
In other words, the cycle of idealization to devaluation… so common to narcissistic relationships, is the perfect nightmare scenario for activating a partner with Disorganized Attachment…
Narcissism and its Implications…
Narcissism, on the other hand, is characterized by grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy.
Influential psychologists such as Sigmund Freud and Heinz Kohut have contributed to our understanding of narcissistic personality traits and their development.
Dr. Sam Vaknin, who seems to be naively trusted by the media as “a leading expert on narcissism,” (at the same time as he seems to behave like one), highlights the fragile self-esteem underlying narcissistic behaviors and the impact of childhood neglect or overvaluation on their formation.
Tip-toeing Around Disorganized Attachment and Narcissism in Couples Therapy…
In couples therapy, addressing the interplay between a partner who has Disorganized Attachment and a partner displaying Narcissism is paramount for fostering healthier relational dynamics for these couples in a clinical setting.
Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasizes the importance of creating secure attachment bonds between partners to counteract the detrimental effects of insecure attachment styles.
Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his research on marital stability, explores how narcissistic traits, such as robust, prickly defensiveness, withdrawal, and contempt, can undermine relationship satisfaction and intimacy.
Attachment Science Perspectives:
Attachment science thought leaders like Dr. Alan Sroufe advocate for a comprehensive understanding of attachment dynamics across the lifespan.
Sroufe's longitudinal studies emphasize the enduring impact of early attachment experiences on later interpersonal relationships, including romantic partnerships. Dr. Mary Main's groundbreaking work on the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) sheds light on the role of unresolved trauma in shaping adult attachment patterns, including Disorganized Attachment and its association with narcissistic traits.
Integrative Approaches and New Ideas From the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy…
Integrating insights from Attachment Theory and narcissism research, couples therapists like Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson emphasize the importance of promoting emotional attunement and mutual empathy in relationships. Their Developmental Model of Couples Therapy (DMCT) focuses on facilitating emotional growth and differentiation while addressing underlying attachment wounds and narcissistic defenses, frankly, more comfortably than EFT and Gottman.
I’ve always loved the Developmental Model’s emphasis on direct engagement with Passive Aggression and Self-Absorption.
Final thoughts
The intersection of Disorganized Attachment and Narcissism presents significant challenges in couples therapy but also opportunities for growth and healing. The expertise of major couples therapy and attachment science thought leaders is still unfolding. We have a ways to go yet.
Marriage and Family Therapists will develop more nuanced interventions to address underlying attachment wounds, cultivate secure relational bonds, and mitigate the impact of selfish behaviors on intimate relationships. We’re learning more about the relationship between Attachment Styles and Personality Disorders every year.
Be well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Psychology Press.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Freud, S. (1914). On narcissism: An introduction. The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud, 14, 67-102.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last?: How to build trust and avoid betrayal. Simon and Schuster.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown.
Main, M., & Hesse, E. (1990). Parents' unresolved traumatic experiences are related to infant disorganized attachment status: Is frightened and/or frightening parental behavior the linking mechanism? In Attachment in the preschool years (pp. 161-182). University of Chicago Press.
Sroufe, A. L. (2005). Attachment and development: A prospective, longitudinal study from birth to adulthood. Attachment & Human Development, 7(4), 349-367.
Vaknin, S. (2008). Malignant self-love: Narcissism revisited. Narcissus Publications.
This APA-style reference list includes seminal works and contemporary sources from major thought leaders in couples therapy and attachment science.
