Silent Standoffs: How Demand-Withdrawal Hurts Both Your Sex Life and Relationship

Monday, September9, 2024.

A recent study published in The Journal of Sex Research sheds light on an important communication pattern known as demand-withdrawal, and how it impacts couples during discussions about sexual conflicts.

The research found that couples who often fall into this dynamic tend to experience lower levels of both relationship and sexual satisfaction.

Over time, they also report higher sexual distress and a general decline in how happy they feel in their relationship.

The research team wanted to dig into how couples handle sexual conflicts specifically, which hasn’t been studied as much as other relationship challenges.

Talking about sex can be tricky—these conversations often bring up feelings like shame, fear, or anger, making it harder to openly discuss problems. When communication around sexual issues falters, it can harm intimacy and overall well-being, leaving both partners feeling disconnected.

While previous studies have explored the impact of demand-withdrawal on relationships, not much attention has been given to how it plays out in sexual conflicts. Demand-withdrawal happens when one partner pushes to talk about a problem while the other avoids the conversation, often shutting down or pulling away. This kind of communication has already been shown to hurt relationship satisfaction, but no one had looked specifically at how it influences sexual conflict—until now.

Dr. Natalie O. Rosen, the lead author of the study and a psychologist at Dalhousie University, shared her thoughts on why this area of research is so crucial. "In my clinical experience, conversations about sex tend to spark stronger emotions than other topics, which makes communication harder. I wanted to explore how demand-withdrawal during these discussions might affect couples’ sexual and relationship satisfaction," she explained.

To explore this further, the researchers recruited 151 couples from two Canadian cities, using online ads, posters, and word of mouth. The couples had to meet specific criteria to participate: they had to be cohabiting, sexually active, and together for at least 12 months. Those who were pregnant, breastfeeding, or dealing with significant health issues were excluded from the study.

The process started with each partner completing an online survey that measured their relationship and sexual satisfaction, as well as any sexual distress they were feeling. Then, the couples came into a lab to participate in a series of discussions. The key conversation focused on a significant sexual issue in their relationship, chosen by the couple based on their own experiences. The researchers recorded these discussions and later analyzed the demand-withdrawal behaviors—how often one partner pushed the other to engage while the other pulled away or shut down.

Independent coders watched the videos and rated how much demand and withdrawal each partner showed during the conversation. Each couple was then given an overall score based on the average of both partners’ behaviors.

How the Study Was Conducted

The researchers followed up with the couples 12 months later to see how their relationship had evolved.

The findings were telling: couples who showed more demand-withdrawal behaviors during the sexual conflict discussion had lower levels of relationship and sexual satisfaction, both during the initial conversation (referred to as Time 1) and a year later (Time 2). They also experienced more sexual distress at the time of the discussion, although this distress seemed to fade after a year.

Dr. Rosen emphasized that this communication pattern is often a sign of deeper struggles in the relationship. "Couples who engage in demand-withdrawal when talking about sexual problems tend to report feeling less satisfied with their sexual relationship and more distressed overall. If this pattern becomes the norm, couples might benefit from sex and couples therapy to learn healthier ways to communicate."

Interestingly, the study found that demand-withdrawal was more closely linked to a drop in relationship satisfaction over time than to long-term changes in sexual satisfaction or distress. In other words, how couples communicate during sexual conflicts seems to have a more lasting impact on the overall relationship than on their sexual satisfaction.

"The fact that demand-withdrawal predicted a decrease in relationship satisfaction over the following year, but not necessarily sexual satisfaction, was surprising," said Dr. Rosen. "It suggests that this communication style may play a bigger role in shaping the future of the relationship itself, while its effect on sexual outcomes might be more immediate."

The negative impact of demand-withdrawal was found to be consistent for both men and women. The study didn’t find significant differences between genders when it came to how this communication pattern affected relationship or sexual outcomes. However, the researchers acknowledged that their sample size might not have been large enough to detect differences for individuals with gender identities other than male or female.

"While we didn’t find any gender differences, it’s important to note that our study only focused on men and women," Dr. Rosen pointed out. "It’s possible that gender identities beyond this binary could influence how demand-withdrawal plays out in sexual conflicts, and future research could explore this further."

One limitation of the study is that it mostly involved long-term, cohabiting, heterosexual couples who were not seeking treatment for relationship issues.

As a result, the findings might not apply to couples in newer relationships or those who are actively seeking therapy. "Our sample was fairly specific, so future studies could look at a wider range of couples, including those from different cultures or sexual orientations," Dr. Rosen added.

Moving forward, the researchers are interested in understanding how emotions play a role in demand-withdrawal discussions about sexual conflicts. By studying how couples regulate their emotions during these conversations, they hope to find more ways to help couples communicate better.

They also plan to explore how factors like personality traits, attachment styles, or the length of the relationship might influence the impact of demand-withdrawal.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

This study, titled “Do Demand-Withdrawal Communication Patterns During Sexual Conflict Predict Couples’ Relationship Satisfaction, Sexual Satisfaction, and Sexual Distress? An Observational and Prospective Study,” was authored by Natalie O. Rosen, Justin P. Dubé, Myriam Bosisio, and Sophie Bergeron.