Navigating relationship transitions: deciding vs. sliding
Monday, June 10, 2024. revised and updated
Navigating Relationship Transitions: Deciding vs. Sliding
In intimate relationships, there inevitably comes a time when partners must waltz through significant decisions together. These decisions, whether about commitment, finances, lifestyle, or emotions, can define the course of a relationship, shaping its depth and durability.
Deciding to make a decision, rather than sliding into one, is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship.
As Dr. Michael Thaler, the study’s first author, notes, "In situations where people are uncertain about whether news is true or not, they often decide its veracity based on whether they want it to be true rather than whether it is actually true, driven by a bias called motivated reasoning." This bias affects not just how we perceive news but also how we navigate relationship decisions.
Key Moments for Deciding
Choosing to live together
Committing to each other exclusively
Supporting your partner through a career change or higher degree
Getting married
Remaining faithful instead of sliding into an affair
Having children
Making significant financial investments
Relocating to a new place
Allowing a family member to live with you
Adopting or becoming foster parents
Making important legal decisions such as creating a will
The Downside of Sliding
Sliding into decisions often involves avoiding conflict and passively going along with your partner's wishes.
The Upside of Deciding
Deciding, on the other hand, involves expressing your feelings, discussing your values, and addressing concerns and aspirations openly. This process builds intimacy and strengthens your relationship, even if you encounter disagreements along the way.
As Dr. Thaler points out, "Conflict is baked into the cake. You are two distinct individuals with your own thoughts and feelings. Mutual respect, safety, and collaboration are required for a relationship transition to be successful."
Tips for Deciding Instead of Sliding
Generative Conversations: Engage in generative conversations where one partner speaks while the other listens, asks questions, and takes notes. This process allows for a deeper exploration of each other's perspectives and feelings.
Exploring All Options: Take the time to explore all options thoroughly and reflect on the implications of each. This can help you both understand the decision better and anticipate potential challenges.
Patience and Reflection: Be patient and take the time to listen, reflect, and discuss the decision with your partner. Rushing into a decision can lead to regrets later on.
By actively deciding on essential relationship transitions, couples can build a stronger, more resilient relationship based on mutual respect, understanding, and collaboration. As Dr. Thaler emphasizes, "Ultimately, as a committed couple, when it comes to making major relationship transitions, you both have to feel that the decision is in your mutual best interest."
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
