Dealing with a self-absorbed parent
4/5/23
Dealing with a self-absorbed parent: understanding the dynamics and coping strategies
Growing up with a self-absorbed parent is flat out challenging and emotionally taxing. I notice that more and more of my couples are asking for family therapy because of a self absorbed elder.
A self-absorbed parent is preoccupied with their own perceived wants, needs and desires, often conflating them into a covetous, yearning hunger.
A self-absorbed parent is annoyed with the provisioning requirements of emotional support and validation that a child needs to thrive. This ultimately results in the range of emotional and psychological difficulties for my now adult clients as they navigate their awareness of a toxic parental legacy : dubious self-esteem, conflict avoidance, porous boundaries, and emotional guardrails made out of jello.
Let’s explore the dynamics of a self-absorbed parent-child relationship, the impact it can have on the child, and the coping strategies that can help adults navigate their family of origin with greater skill and intentionality..
Understanding ruthless self-absorption
Self-absorption is a particularly stubborn personality trait characterized by a preoccupation with one's own thoughts, feelings, and needs, to the exclusion of others.
Self-absorbed individuals have difficulty empathizing with others, and lack any meaningful insight into how their behavior impacts others. That’s why I describe self-absorption as ruthless… it squanders the time and space investment required for emotional intimacy.
Self-absorption may manifest in many different ways, and it can be particularly challenging in the context of a parent-child relationship. A self-absorbed parent may be emotionally distant, may not be able to provide the emotional support and validation that a child needs, and may not be able to model healthy emotional regulation.
The impact of self-absorption on children
Growing up with a self-absorbed parent can have a profound impact on a child's emotional and psychological well-being. Children of self-absorbed parents may experience a range of difficulties, including:
Low Self-Esteem
Self-absorbed parents may not be able to provide the emotional validation and support that a child needs to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem. Children may feel like they are not important or valued, and may struggle with feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.
Anxiety
Self-absorbed parents may be emotionally unpredictable, which can lead to feelings of anxiety and uncertainty for the child. Children may feel like they need to constantly monitor their behavior and emotions to avoid triggering their parent's negative reactions.
Depression
Self-absorbed parents may not be able to provide the emotional support and validation that a child needs to develop a healthy sense of self-worth. Children may feel like they are not important or valued, which can lead to feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and depression.
Difficulty Regulating Emotions
Self-absorbed parents may not be able to model healthy emotional regulation, which can lead to difficulties in regulating emotions for the child. Children may struggle with emotional dysregulation, which can lead to difficulty managing stress, anxiety, and depression.
Difficulty Forming Healthy Relationships
Self-absorbed parents may not be able to model healthy relationship dynamics, which can lead to difficulties for the child in forming healthy relationships in the future. Children may struggle with trust issues, intimacy issues, and difficulty forming healthy attachments with others.
Coping Strategies for Dealing with a Self-Absorbed Parent
Dealing with a self-absorbed parent can be challenging, but there are coping strategies that can help the child navigate this difficult relationship. Here are some strategies that can be helpful:
Develop a Support Network
It is important for children of self-absorbed parents to have a support network that can provide emotional validation and support. This may include friends, family members, or a therapist.
A therapist can be particularly helpful in providing a safe and supportive space for the child to explore their feelings and develop coping strategies for dealing with their parent's behavior.
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries can be an important strategy for managing a self-absorbed parent's behavior. Children can set boundaries by communicating their needs and expectations clearly continue, and establishing consequences for when those boundaries are violated.
For example, a child may set a boundary around their parent's tendency to interrupt or talk over them. The child can communicate that they need to be listened to and heard, and that they will end the conversation if their parent continues to interrupt or talk over them.
Setting boundaries can help children maintain their own emotional well-being and establish a sense of autonomy in the relationship.
Practice Self-Care
Self-care is essential for managing the emotional toll of dealing with a self-absorbed parent. Children can practice self-care by engaging in activities that they enjoy, setting aside time for themselves, and seeking support from friends and family.
Self-care can help children maintain a sense of emotional well-being, even in the face of their parent's challenging behavior.
Seek Validation Elsewhere
Self-absorbed parents may not be able to provide the emotional validation and support that a child needs, but it is important for children to seek validation elsewhere.
This may include seeking validation from friends, family members, or a therapist. Validation from others can help children develop a healthy sense of self-worth and counteract the negative impact of their parent's behavior.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness can be a helpful strategy for managing the emotional impact of a self-absorbed parent's behavior. Mindfulness involves being present in the moment, without judgment or distraction.
Children can practice mindfulness by focusing on their breath, their physical sensations, or their thoughts and feelings. Practicing mindfulness can help children develop a sense of calm and centeredness, even in the face of their parent's challenging behavior.
Final Thoughts on Senior Solipsism
Dealing with a self-absorbed parent can be challenging and emotionally taxing, but there are coping strategies that can help children navigate this difficult relationship.
Developing a support network, setting boundaries, practicing self-care, seeking validation elsewhere, and practicing mindfulness can all be helpful strategies for managing the emotional toll of a self-absorbed parent's behavior.
It is important for children to recognize that their parent's behavior is not their fault, and that they have the right to seek emotional validation and support elsewhere. I can help with that.
Adult children of self-absorbed parents can develop the skills and strategies they need to thrive, even in the face of a self-absorbed parent's annoying and problematic behavior.
If you’re caught up in needless drama and hassles with a self-absorbed parent, it’s taking a toll on your physical and emotional well-being.
I can help you manage the emotional toll of this difficult relationship on your nervous system . With the right support and coping strategies, you can develop the skills and resilience you need to establish healthy boundaries, even in the face of your parent's self-absorption.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
There is a growing body of research on the impact of self-absorbed parents on children's emotional and psychological well-being. Here are some clinical references that can provide more information on this topic:
Hesse, E. (2016). The Adult Attachment Interview: Psychological and Psychoanalytic Perspectives. New York: Guilford Press.
This book provides a comprehensive overview of the Adult Attachment Interview, which is a tool used to assess attachment patterns in adults. But the most noteworthy aspect of this book is the chapter describing the impact of self-absorbed parents on attachment patterns in children. Couples therapists can be at the top of their game if they just spend 15 minutes a day reading research.
Levy, K. N., & Scala, J. W. (2012). Personality Disorders. In J. C. Norcross, G. R. VandenBos, & D. K. Freedheim (Eds.), APA Handbook of Clinical Psychology: Volume 2: Theory and Research (pp. 795-816). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
This chapter provides an overview of personality disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder, which is characterized by self-absorption and a lack of empathy. The chapter discusses the impact of narcissistic personality disorder on children and the problematic family dynamics.
Schore, A. N. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy. New York: Norton.
This book provides an pretty wide overview of the science of psychotherapy. It does a good job describing the impact of attachment patterns on emotional and psychological well-being. But like Hesse, the chapter describing the impact of self-absorbed parents on attachment patterns in children will help therapists understand the adult client in front of them, as well as their self-absorbed parent.
