The Silent Apologies You’ll Never Hear from a Covert Narcissist: A Therapist’s Journey with a Discarded Husband

Wednesday, August 28, 2024.

Divorce is rarely straightforward, but when it involves a covert narcissist, the emotional fallout can be especially disorienting.

Covert narcissists are adept at subtle manipulation, often leaving their partners questioning their own reality long after the relationship has ended.

In this post, we explore a therapy journey with John, a husband who was abruptly discarded by his covert narcissist wife, Emily.

Through these sessions, we’ll uncover the unspoken apologies John craves but will likely never receive, and how understanding this reality can aid in his healing process.

Meet John and Emily: A Brief Backstory

John and Emily were married for 12 years. They met in their late twenties, introduced by mutual friends who admired Emily’s quiet charm and John’s easygoing nature.

Emily was intelligent, successful, and always seemed to have everything under control.

John admired her calm demeanor, mistaking her aloofness for independence.

However, over time, he began to notice subtle patterns that chipped away at his confidence and sense of self. Emily often dismissed his achievements, twisted his words during arguments, and subtly undermined his decisions, all while maintaining a facade of innocence.

John worked as a junior architect in a struggling mid-sized firm, a career that required both creativity and precision. Emily, on the other hand rapidly rose in her firm as a corporate lawyer. As Emily’s success grew, she frequently belittled John’s career, subtly implying that her job was more important, and 10x more lucrative financially.

Despite these tensions, John tried to keep the peace, thinking that if he just worked harder to meet her standards, their marriage would improve.

But nothing he did ever seemed to be enough.

John noticed that Emily was unusually guarding her phone, and often ducked into her home office and closed the door.

One day, without warning, Emily told John she needed space and moved out.

She left no room for discussion, no explanation—just a cold, clinical separation. Devastated and confused, John sought therapy to make sense of what had happened.

Session 1: The Initial Shock

John: "I don’t get it. She said she needed space, but it feels like she just erased me from her life. Twelve years together, and it’s like they meant nothing to her."

Therapist: "That’s a very painful realization, John. When Emily left, it sounds like it was sudden and without closure. This kind of abrupt ending is common in relationships with covert narcissists, where the discard phase often comes without warning. How are you coping with these feelings?"

John: "Not well. I keep replaying everything in my head, trying to figure out what I did wrong."

Therapist: "It’s natural to want answers, but it’s important to understand that this wasn’t about you doing something wrong. Covert narcissists often leave their partners in a state of confusion because it maintains their sense of control. This wasn’t a reflection of your worth or the value of your marriage."

Session 2: Unpacking the Psychological Abuse

John: "The more I think about it, the more I realize how much she manipulated me. It’s like she had this way of making me feel guilty for things I didn’t even do."

Therapist: "Covert narcissists are skilled at psychological abuse, often using guilt and subtle manipulation to maintain control. They can twist situations to make you feel like you’re always at fault, which erodes your self-esteem over time."

John: "I wish she’d just admit it—that she manipulated me."

Therapist: "It’s understandable to want that acknowledgment, but it’s unlikely to come. Covert narcissists rarely admit fault because it threatens their self-image. What’s important now is for you to recognize these patterns for what they were and to begin trusting your own perceptions again."

Session 3: The Unspoken Devaluation

John: "Looking back, I realize how often she made me feel small, like I was never good enough. It’s hard to shake that off."

Therapist: "That’s the devaluation phase at work. Covert narcissists subtly undermine their partners over time, making them doubt their own worth. It’s a way of maintaining power in the relationship. But this was never about you being inadequate; it was about Emily’s need to feel superior."

John: "So, she’ll never acknowledge that she devalued me?"

Therapist: "It’s unlikely. Our goal here is to help you rebuild your self-esteem and understand that her actions were a reflection of her insecurities, not your value. You have inherent worth that isn’t defined by her perception of you."

Session 4: The Void of Appreciation

John: "I sacrificed so much for her—worked long hours, took care of the house, supported her career—but she never seemed to appreciate anything I did. It’s like nothing I did ever mattered."

Therapist: "That’s a common experience with covert narcissists. They often take their partners’ efforts for granted because they believe they are entitled to it. This lack of appreciation isn’t about your contributions being insignificant; it’s about her inability to value others authentically."

John: "So, I’ll never hear a thank you?"

Therapist: "Most likely, no. But that doesn’t diminish the importance of what you did. It’s essential to acknowledge your efforts and find value in them yourself. We’ll work on ways for you to affirm your worth and contributions, independent of her validation."

Session 5: The Impossible Apology

John: "I keep hoping she’ll reach out and apologize. It feels like that’s the only way I can get closure."

Therapist: "It’s understandable to want an apology, but waiting for one from a covert narcissist is often an exercise in futility. They rarely apologize because it threatens their need to maintain control and their fragile self-image. Closure will need to come from within, not from her words."

John: "How do I move on without that apology?"

Therapist: "We’ll focus on creating closure internally. This involves understanding the dynamics of the relationship, acknowledging your pain, and accepting that some things will remain unresolved. By reclaiming your narrative and focusing on your healing, you can find peace without needing her to validate your experience."

Session 6: The Mysterious Discard

John: "I keep asking myself, why did she leave so suddenly? Was there something specific I did that pushed her away?"

Therapist: "The discard phase, especially when it happens suddenly, is often used by covert narcissists as a way to maintain control. By leaving abruptly, they leave their partner destabilized, questioning everything. This wasn’t about anything you did wrong; it was about her need to avoid vulnerability and maintain her sense of superiority."

John: "So, she’ll never explain why she left?"

Therapist: "Probably not. But that doesn’t mean you have to live in uncertainty. We can work together to create a narrative that helps you understand and process what happened, even if it doesn’t come from her directly. By finding your own answers, you can begin to heal and move forward."

Final thoughts

John’s experience is emblematic of the unique challenges faced by those who have been discarded by a covert narcissist.

Through therapy, John learns that the apologies, acknowledgment, and closure he seeks are unlikely to come from Emily.

Instead, John embarked on a journey of self-discovery, where he learns to validate his experiences, rebuild his self-esteem, and find closure within himself.

For others going through similar experiences, this journey can be painful and disorienting. I know about this from personal experience. I can help you with this challenging transition.

But with the right support, it is possible to reclaim your life and emerge from the shadow of the covert narcissist’s influence with a stronger sense of self-worth and a clearer understanding of your own needs and values.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Baumeister, R. F., & Vohs, K. D. (2004). Self-regulation and the executive function of the self. In Handbook of self-regulation: Research, theory, and applications (pp. 45-57). New York: Guilford Press.

Campbell, W. K., Foster, C. A., & Finkel, E. J. (2002). Does self-love lead to love for others? A story of narcissistic game-playing. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(2), 340-354.

Kernberg, O. F. (1984). Severe personality disorders: Psychotherapeutic strategies. New Haven: Yale University Press.

Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Opening up: The healing power of expressing emotions. New York: Guilford Press.

Worthington, E. L. (2001). Five steps to forgiveness: The art and science of forgiving. New York: Crown.