Conflict and the Double Empathy Problem: How to Stop the Blame Spiral Before It Begins
Tuesday, June 3, 2025.
Let’s set the scene.
A neurodiverse couple sits across from you. One partner is fuming, speaking rapidly, cataloging a list of grievances.
The other is frozen, eyes down, seemingly unbothered—or worse, dissociating.
The therapist's untrained instinct? Coach the talker to slow down. Encourage the silent one to speak up. Try to “restore balance.”
But here’s the rub: you're not just dealing with two people who fight differently.
You're witnessing a neurological mismatch in perception, pacing, and processing—a conflict shaped by what Damian Milton (2012) called the Double Empathy Problem.
The Double Empathy Problem: A Quick Primer
Milton’s Double Empathy Problem flips the script. Instead of viewing neurodivergent folks as lacking empathy, it proposes that mutual misunderstanding arises from the differences in cognitive and emotional processing between neurotypes.
"It is not a deficit in one, but a dissonance between two."
— Damian Milton
This means:
The NT partner doesn’t fail to understand—they interpret through social nuance and inferred meaning.
The ND partner doesn’t lack empathy—they often experience too much emotion or process it differently.
When they clash, it’s not dysfunction—it’s crossed wires.
Step One: Normalize the Breakdown
You must make it explicit from the start:
“You are not broken. You are not failing. You are operating on different relational languages.”
Neurodiverse conflict is often misread as:
Stonewalling (actually sensory shutdown)
Escalation (actually a panic response to confusion)
Lack of remorse (actually delayed emotional integration)
When you name the neurological roots, couples exhale. The conflict becomes an engineering problem—not a character assassination.
Step Two: Throw Out the “Fair Fight” Script
Most couples therapy models assume:
Symmetrical emotional access
Ability to track facial expressions and tone
Real-time memory retrieval
Comfort with direct eye contact
Neurodivergent clients often experience:
Cognitive flooding
Working memory lapses
Facial blindness or tone-deafness
Delayed processing and response
Telling a neurodivergent client “repeat back what you just heard” is like asking someone underwater to recite poetry. Note taking works better.
Instead, design these tools:
Slow-Conflict Protocols
Agree ahead of time on a signal for “pause”
Use time-delayed responses (via text, journaling, or voice memos)
Build 1-topic-only rules for conflict moments
Written Scripts and Emotional Glossaries
Some ND clients can write what they can’t say
Others need a menu of emotional terms to identify what they’re feeling
Color-coded charts beat eye contact
Touch-Free Soothing Strategies
Some need space, not closeness
Offer objects, textures, or movement as co-regulation
Conflict Budgets
Limit the number of emotionally demanding conversations per week
Track energy depletion, not just emotions
“I didn’t ignore her. I was just out of ‘spoons’ after my job that day.”
— Autistic husband, who later wrote an apology he couldn’t say aloud in real time
Step Three: Deconstruct Misattribution
You must relentlessly interrupt the neurotypical (NT) tendency to pathologize and the neurodiverse (ND) tendency to internalize.
For example:
NT: “He’s gaslighting me. He always denies what I said.”
Reframe: “He may have genuinely forgotten or misinterpreted it. Let’s verify with externalized tools—text, notes, voice logs.”
Or:
ND: “She says I don’t care. Maybe I really am broken.”
Reframe: “Let’s clarify how you do care—and how we can make it visible in her language.”
Step Four: Teach Meta-Conversation, Not Just Communication
The most important skill in neurodiverse conflict resolution isn’t being able to express feelings.
It’s being able to say:
“Can we pause this?”
“I need a different channel to respond to this later.”
“That word hit me hard—can we check what you meant?”
These aren’t just communication skills. They’re neuro-cultural bridging strategies. And you need to practice them out loud, in session, repeatedly, with scripts.
Step Five: Honor Asynchronous Emotional Processing
One of the most painful dynamics in ND/NT conflict is the timing mismatch.
The NT partner wants immediate repair.
The ND partner needs downtime to process before they even know what they feel.
Pushing for instant closure guarantees dysregulation. Therapists must normalize the emotional delay and help the NT partner trust that repair is coming, just… not yet.
Introduce models like:
“24-Hour Reconnect Rituals”
“Scheduled Conflict Reviews” (with notes prepared in advance)
“No-Talking Days” with structured journaling prompts
What to Do When One Partner Doesn’t Know They’re Neurodivergent (Yet)
Sometimes one partner presents as difficult, rigid, emotionally absent… and slowly, it dawns on you: they’re undiagnosed autistic or ADHD.
Your task is delicate:
Frame behaviors, not identities.
Normalize ND traits before suggesting formal evaluation.
Avoid pop psychology traps (e.g., armchair diagnosing with TikTok terms).
Invite curiosity: “Some brains process differently. Might that apply here?”
The most healing phrase you can offer:
“There’s nothing wrong with how your brain works. But there’s a different way to build this relationship.”
Final Thoughts: The Work Is in the Repair, Not the Performance
Neurodiverse couples can feel like failure is baked into every conflict.
But conflict isn’t the problem. It’s the meaning we assign when bids are missed, silences are misread, and processing time feels like rejection.
You’re not just teaching communication. You’re teaching how to trust love across timelines, between nervous systems, through the fog of misunderstanding.
The work is slow. The work is sacred.
And when it clicks? It’s one of the most redemptive forms of therapy you’ll ever practice.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. Norton.
García, M., & Hall, S. S. (2021). The relationship experiences of autistic adults: A systematic review. Autism, 25(8), 2151–2166. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613211002099
Bramham, J., Young, S., Bickerdike, A., Spain, D., McCartan, D., & Xenitidis, K. (2009). Evaluation of group cognitive behavioral therapy for adults with ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders, 12(5), 434–441. https://doi.org/10.1177/1087054708314953