Compersion: A Closer Look at a Really Bad Idea
Saturday, August 10, 2024.
Compersion is a notion of polyamory advocates, hailed as the antidote to jealousy—a state of enlightened bliss where you’re genuinely happy to see your partner enjoying romantic or sexual experiences with someone else.
It’s the magical potion that supposedly transforms human nature from its possessive, insecure roots into something resembling unconditional love... or so we’re told.
The Science of Compersion: A Reality Check
Let’s start with what the research tells us.
According to a study published in the Journal of Sex Research, compersion is indeed a real experience for some people in polyamorous relationships.
Participants reported feelings of happiness, satisfaction, and even arousal when their partners were involved with others (Mitchell, Bartholomew, & Cobb, 2014).
The study suggests that compersion may help reduce feelings of jealousy and foster a sense of security within polyamorous relationships.
However, before we all rush to drink this Kool-Aid, let’s consider some inconvenient truths.
The same study notes that compersion is not a universal experience, even among polyamorous folks.
In fact, the more common experience in such relationships is, unsurprisingly, jealousy—raw, gut-wrenching jealousy.
So, while compersion is paraded as a revolutionary new way to love, it might be more accurate to call it what it is: an outlier, a coping mechanism for those rare souls who can successfully compartmentalize their emotions.
Polyamory as a Cultural Mirage
Now, let’s dig deeper into the cultural underpinnings of this phenomenon.
The rise of compersion as a celebrated state of being is part of the broader movement toward polyamory and ethical non-monogamy.
Proponents claim that polyamory is the future of relationships—liberating, honest, and more attuned to our natural desires. But let’s not kid ourselves. Polyamory is less about freedom and more about the commodification of intimacy.
In a world where relationships are increasingly transactional, polyamory is the perfect fit for our consumer-driven culture.
Why settle for one partner when you can diversify your portfolio?
It’s the ultimate hedge against loneliness: if one relationship doesn’t fulfill you, you’ve got a few others to fall back on. But in this endless pursuit of more, something gets lost—depth, commitment, and the profound connection that comes from truly investing in one person.
The Poly meme is just another hallmark of our Cultural Narcissism.
Compersion as an idea, is emotional re-education of the human nervous system toward an imaginary ideal state. It is an idea so foreign to human tenderness, that it required a new word.
Polyamory, with its emphasis on compersion, tries to dress up this shallow pursuit in the language of emotional growth.
But let’s be honest: it’s the relationship equivalent of junk food.
It offers quick hits of pleasure without the substance of a balanced emotional diet.
The more partners you juggle, the less you’re able to focus on any one of them, leading to relationships that are broad but shallow, satisfying on the surface but hollow at their core.
The Irony of Compersion
Let’s take a moment to appreciate the irony here.
Compersion is often touted as the pinnacle of emotional maturity, a sign that you’re so secure in yourself that you don’t need your partner’s exclusive attention.
But isn’t this just another way of saying, “I’m so detached that I don’t really care what my partner does”? If compersion is the goal, then maybe we’ve lost sight of what relationships are supposed to be about—mutual care, respect, and yes, a bit of healthy jealousy. After all, isn’t jealousy just a sign that you value the relationship enough to want to protect it?
The truth is that relationships are hard work.
They require sacrifice, compromise, and a deep commitment to the well-being of your partner.
Compersion, as it’s often portrayed, is a cop-out—a way to avoid the messy, difficult emotions that come with real intimacy. It’s emotional outsourcing, allowing you to keep your options open without ever having to truly invest in someone else.
Compersion isn’t an authentic human emotion, it’s a political idea.
One of the most effective critiques against polyamory centers on the emotional and psychological challenges it introduces, particularly in managing jealousy and maintaining relationship stability.
Research has shown that while some folks in polyamorous relationships report satisfaction, the emotional demands of managing multiple romantic connections can lead to significant stress and relational instability.
As I mentioned earlier, the Journal of Sex Research highlighted that jealousy remains a prevalent issue in polyamorous relationships, even among those who practice compersion (the ability to feel joy for a partner's happiness with another).
Despite efforts to frame polyamory as emotionally liberating, the reality often involves complex emotional negotiations that not everyone is equipped to handle (academic.oup) (PubMed).
Moreover, the time and energy required to maintain multiple relationships can detract from the depth and quality of each connection.
This critique is further supported by studies comparing relationship satisfaction across monogamous and polyamorous relationships, which suggest that while some polyamorous folks report positive outcomes, many experience lower levels of intimacy and commitment compared to their monogamous counterparts.
This can lead to relationships that are broad but lack the deep emotional connections often found in monogamy (academic.oup).
Additionally, from a philosophical perspective, polyamory has been critiqued for commodifying intimacy, turning relationships into transactional arrangements where emotional bonds are more superficial and less meaningful.
This aligns with a consumer-driven approach to relationships, where pursuing more partners leads to a dilution of emotional investment and a co-occurring decrease in relational stability.
Polyamory may work for some, the broader critique highlights significant emotional, psychological, and philosophical challenges that often undermine the potential benefits of this relationship style.
My argument is not with the poly, it’s with the community of practice of mental health professions who are pandering to chaos.
A Call for Authentic Relationships
So, what’s the takeaway here?
If you’re tempted by the siren song of compersion and polyamory, ask yourself what you’re really looking for. Is it a genuine connection, or just a way to avoid the hard work of a committed relationship?
Compersion may sound appealing, but it’s not even a naturally occurring human emotion.
It’s an intellectual rice wafer substituting for the deep, authentic bonds that come from truly investing in one person. Like most humans, I prefer true communion.
In the end, maybe we should stop trying to repackage ancient human insecurities in trendy new buzzwords and start focusing on what really matters—building relationships that are based on mutual respect, deep emotional investment, and yes, from time to time, a little bit of jealousy.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Balzarini RN, Dharma C, Kohut T, Campbell L, Lehmiller JJ, Harman JJ, Holmes BM. Comparing Relationship Quality Across Different Types of Romantic Partners in Polyamorous and Monogamous Relationships. Arch Sex Behav. 2019 Aug;48(6):1749-1767. doi: 10.1007/s10508-019-1416-7. Epub 2019 May 8. PMID: 31069571.
Buunk, Abraham P., and Karlijn Massar, 'Jealousy in Close Relationships From an Evolutionary and Cultural Perspective: Responding to Real and Feared Rivals', in Justin K. Mogilski, and Todd K. Shackelford (eds), The Oxford Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology and Romantic Relationships (2023; online edn, Oxford Academic, 23 Feb. 2023), https://doi.org/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780197524718.013.12, accessed 10 Aug. 2024.
Mitchell, M. E., Bartholomew, K., & Cobb, R. J. (2014). The Impact of Compersion on Relationship Quality in Polyamorous and Monogamous Relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 51(4), 329-341. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2013.871691
