What is Circle of Security Parenting? A Review of the book "Raising a Secure Child"
Friday, August 30, 2024. This is for G & M and their child awaiting our glorious world.
If you're a parent, you've probably heard that building a secure relationship with your child is one of the best things you can do for them. But how exactly do you go about doing that?
That’s where the Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) model comes in.
It’s a simple yet powerful way to help parents understand and meet their child’s emotional needs.
In the book Raising a Secure Child, authors Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell walk us through this model, offering practical advice on how to raise children who feel safe, loved, and ready to take on the world.
Let’s dive into what this book is all about and take a look at what it does well, where some say it could use a bit more depth, and how it fits into the broader picture of parenting advice.
Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell are the co-founders of the Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) model and are recognized experts in the field of attachment theory and early childhood development.
Kent Hoffman: A psychotherapist and researcher, Kent Hoffman has dedicated his career to studying attachment and its implications for both children and adults. He has a deep interest in how early relationships shape emotional and psychological development and has contributed significantly to the development of therapeutic models that help foster secure attachments.
Glen Cooper: Glen Cooper is a clinical psychologist with extensive experience in working with children and families. His work focuses on the practical applications of attachment theory in parenting and education. Cooper has been involved in training professionals and parents alike in the principles of the Circle of Security, helping them apply these concepts in real-world settings.
Bert Powell: Bert Powell is also a clinical psychologist who has worked extensively in the areas of child development and family therapy. Alongside Hoffman and Cooper, Powell has played a key role in creating and refining the Circle of Security Parenting model. His work has emphasized the importance of understanding and addressing the emotional needs of both children and their caregivers.
Together, these three professionals have collaborated to develop the COSP model, which is used worldwide to help parents and caregivers foster secure, healthy relationships with their children. Their book, Raising a Secure Child, is a practical guide based on their collective research and clinical experience in the field of attachment theory.
Key Ideas in their book "Raising a Secure Child"
The Circle of Security:
At the heart of the book is the idea of the "Circle of Security."
Imagine a circle that represents your child’s journey from exploring the world to coming back to you for comfort and security. When your child feels secure, they’re free to explore, knowing they can return to you whenever they need reassurance.
The book teaches parents to recognize when their child is asking for support and when they’re seeking independence. It’s all about being there when your child needs you and letting go when they don’t.
“Being-With” Your Child:
While Erika Komisar emphasizes the importance of “Being There”, these authors talk a lot about “Being-With,” which is their way of saying that parents need to be present with their children in an empathetic, non-judgmental way.
This doesn’t mean just being physically present but also emotionally available, so your child feels truly understood and valued.
This idea is grounded in attachment theory, which shows that when children feel securely attached to their parents, they grow up with better emotional and social skills.
Shark Music:
One of the book’s more memorable metaphors is "Shark Music." This is what the authors call the anxiety or fear that can bubble up inside parents when their child’s behavior triggers something from their past. This emotional noise can make it hard to respond calmly and effectively to your child’s needs.
The key is to recognize when you’re hearing Shark Music in your head and learn to quiet it down, so you can focus on what your child really needs at that moment.
The Caregiving Stance:
The book encourages parents to adopt what it calls the "Caregiving Stance." This means being a safe base for your child, someone they can turn to for protection, comfort, and guidance. By providing this security, you help your child feel safe enough to explore and grow.
What the Book Does Well
Raising a Secure Child shines in its ability to take complex psychological concepts and break them down into simple, relatable ideas that any parent can understand. The Circle of Security model is easy to grasp, and the metaphors like "Shark Music" make it even more memorable.
The authors do a great job of offering practical tips that parents can start using right away. I find that to be extremely valuable and meaningful for a general reader.
Whether it’s learning to recognize when your child needs a hug or understanding when to give them space, the book is full of actionable advice.
Where the Book Could Do More
While the simplicity of the Circle of Security model is one of its strengths, it’s also might be a bit of a limitation for more ambitious parents.
Parenting is complex, and sometimes the book’s advice might feel a wee bit too straightforward and reductive.
For example, it doesn’t dive deeply into situations where parents or children are dealing with significant challenges like trauma or mental health issues. In these cases, the model might need to be adapted or supplemented with other approaches.
Another area where the book falls a bit short is in its scope.
It leans heavily on attachment theory, which is a great foundation, but it doesn’t bring in other perspectives that could give a fuller picture of child development.
For example, ideas around temperament, resilience, or brain development aren’t explored in sufficient depth, even though they’re essential pieces of the parenting puzzle.
Lastly, the book mostly reflects Western parenting norms, which might not resonate with parents from different cultural backgrounds.
For instance, in cultures where family interdependence is valued over individualism, some of the advice might not fit as neatly. A more inclusive approach could make the book even more helpful to a wider audience.
What American therapists do not fully realize is how deeply attachment is shaped by the wider culture.
I think these critics have not appreciated that this is an emerging model. Patience, Grasshopper.
A Community of Parenting Practice
Caregivers find a sense of community with each other. The Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) online community provides a massive array of support and psycho-education on attachment for aspiring parents.
Many parents come to the group feeling isolated and alone, feeling like they are the only ones and nobody understands. As one caregiver shared,
“Being with other parents and reflecting on their experiences and their use of the knowledge we picked up in the circle has been invaluable. With the Circle I felt that I’m not alone, I felt supported and listened to.”
By hearing from others, parents find a sense of community, and a safe space to reflect on their struggles and connect with the ideas of the group.
With this comes the sharing of ideas and resources that other caregivers may not be aware of, helping to support their child.
Dr. Georgina Davis works in an NHS Child Development Centre in the UK with children aged 3 to 9 years who have suspected or confirmed neurodivergence, for example, autism, ADHD, communication differences, specific learning needs, and complex health needs.
In a stretched system where referral criteria often turn people away, she loves that she can offer Circle of Security Parenting to anyone who wants it, regardless of where their child is on their diagnostic pathway.
The Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) model also offers valuable support to caregivers of neurodiverse children, particularly when engaging in what might be seen as repetitive or non-conventional play.
For instance, a child may be deeply interested in specific activities such as examining sticks, disassembling objects, or repeatedly opening and closing doors—behaviors that might initially seem unproductive or meaningless to some caregivers.
COSP helps caregivers shift their perspective, moving from discomfort or the urge to correct these behaviors to recognizing them as opportunities for connection. By understanding the need for "Enjoy with Me" and "Delight in Me" moments, caregivers can embrace these interactions as vital to their child's emotional development.
An Online Space for Caregivers to Connect
Additionally, COSP provides a space for caregivers to share the challenges they face in connecting with a child who may express themselves differently, such as through minimal eye contact or neutral facial expressions.
These discussions help caregivers explore new ways to experience shared joy, even within the unique communication styles of neurodiverse children. This process often brings a renewed sense of joy and connection, as caregivers learn to appreciate and adapt to their child’s individual needs.
In situations where physical touch may be overwhelming or distressing for a child, COSP encourages caregivers to think creatively about providing comfort.
For some children, deep pressure hugs or "squeezy cuddles" may offer a sense of security and sensory regulation, while others might find solace in listening to familiar music through headphones.
Non-verbal communication also plays a crucial role, especially for children with language differences or who are non-speaking.
"Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind"
In these moments, caregivers can convey their presence and support through their actions, embodying the "Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind" role that COSP advocates. This approach helps to create a predictable and secure environment, allowing the child to feel understood and supported even when words are not involved.
COSP also fosters a sense of community among caregivers, many of whom may feel isolated in their experiences.
Through shared stories and reflections, caregivers find a supportive network where they can discuss their challenges, learn from others, and discover new resources.
This collective experience helps to reduce feelings of isolation, providing caregivers with the reassurance that they are not alone in their journey.
Dr. Georgina Davis, who works at an NHS Child Development Centre in the UK, applies the COSP model with children aged 3 to 9 years, including those with autism, ADHD, communication differences, specific learning needs, and complex health needs.
In an often-overburdened system, she values the flexibility of COSP in offering support to any caregiver, regardless of where their child is in the diagnostic process, ensuring that every family has access to the guidance they need.
Additional Resources and Research
If you’re interested in digging deeper into the ideas behind Raising a Secure Child, here are some other resources and research that might be helpful:
Attachment Theory:
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.
Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation.
Parental Sensitivity:
De Wolff, M. S., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (1997). Sensitivity and attachment: A meta-analysis on parental antecedents of infant attachment. Child Development, 68(4), 571-591.
Cultural Influences on Attachment:
Rothbaum, F., Weisz, J., Pott, M., Miyake, K., & Morelli, G. (2000). Attachment and culture: Security in the United States and Japan. American Psychologist, 55(10), 1093-1104.
Parenting Interventions:
Dozier, M., Bernard, K., & Roben, C. K. P. (2019). Attachment and Biobehavioral Catch-up: An evidence-based intervention for vulnerable infants and their families. Psychotherapy Research, 29(5), 704-716.
Final thoughts
Overall, Raising a Secure Child is a warm and practical guide for parents who want to help their children feel secure and loved.
The Circle of Security model offers a simple yet powerful framework for understanding and meeting your a Western child’s emotional needs.
While some claim the book may have some limitations, especially in its cultural scope and depth, it’s a great starting point for Western parents who want to build strong, healthy relationships with their children.
But it’s important to see this book as merely an on ramp for a rich exploration of what it means to be a human being, whether neuro-normative or 2e.
I urge you to put those concerns aside, and immerse yourself in a rich network of support and psychoeducation that COSP offers.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York: Basic Books.
De Wolff, M. S., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (1997). Sensitivity and attachment: A meta-analysis on parental antecedents of infant attachment. Child Development, 68(4), 571-591.
Dozier, M., Bernard, K., & Roben, C. K. P. (2019). Attachment and Biobehavioral Catch-up: An evidence-based intervention for vulnerable infants and their families. Psychotherapy Research, 29(5), 704-716.
Hoffman, K., Cooper, G., & Powell, B. (2017). Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child's Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore. New York: Guilford Press.
Rothbaum, F., Weisz, J., Pott, M., Miyake, K., & Morelli, G. (2000). Attachment and culture: Security in the United States and Japan. American Psychologist, 55(10), 1093-1104.
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