The “how-to” of shifting to a more Secure Attachment Style…

Wednesday, March 27, 2024.

Shifting from an Insecure Attachment Style to a Secure one is a profound journey that involves intentional reprogramming of your nervous system and a deep understanding of oneself, your family-of-origin, and relational dynamics.

Boyd's OODA loop, a concept originating from military strategy… but widely applied in various fields, including psychology and decision-making, can serve as a useful framework in this process.

The loop consists of four stages: Observe, Orient, Decide, and Act. Let's map these stages onto the journey of shifting Attachment Styles.

Observe: Recognizing the Pattern

• This stage corresponds to becoming aware of your Attachment Style and its impact on your relationships. You might notice recurring patterns of behavior, such as fear of abandonment, avoidance of intimacy, or excessive need for reassurance.

• Ignorance (Unconscious Incompetence) often characterizes this stage. You might not fully grasp why you behave the way you do, attributing relationship issues solely to external factors or your partner's behavior.

Orient: Understanding and Acceptance

• Here, you move into Awareness (Conscious Incompetence). You acknowledge that there's a problem and that you need new skills to address it. This stage involves introspection, learning about Attachment Theory, and recognizing how your early experiences influence your current relationships.

• Your Attachment Style is the hand that the Almighty had dealt you. You have but few chances to play, and place your bet.

• It's crucial not to rush through this stage, resisting the temptation to find solutions. Instead, focus on deepening your understanding of your Attachment Style and its effects on your behavior.

• You might catch yourself projecting blame onto your partner, thinking, "I'm not the problem; my partner is." Recognize this as a defense mechanism and commit to taking responsibility for your own growth.

Decide: Learning and Skill-Building

• This stage aligns with Learning (Conscious Competence). Armed with knowledge about Attachment Styles, you’ll develop the skills necessary to cultivate a more robust, Secure Attachment.

• Identify your triggers and automatic responses in relationships. When you notice yourself being triggered, pause and consciously choose a different, more adaptive response. This requires effort and practice as you actively override ingrained patterns of behavior.

• For instance, if you feel insecure and tempted to withdraw when your partner seems distant, consciously communicate your feelings and needs instead of shutting down.

Act: Integration and Application

Finally, you reach the stage of Act, where your newfound awareness and skills become integrated into your daily interactions. This doesn't mean you'll never experience insecurity or challenges in relationships, but you'll approach them from a more secure base.

With practice, your responses become more automatic and aligned with Secure Attachment principles. You'll find yourself naturally seeking closeness without fear of engulfment and maintaining healthy boundaries without resorting to avoidance.

Celebrate your progress and be patient with yourself. It's a journey, and setbacks are normal. Remember that growth often occurs in cycles, and each iteration of the OODA loop brings you closer to a secure attachment style.

Moving toward conscious competence in cultivating a Secure Attachment style involves a deliberate and systematic approach to learning and skill-building. Here are some key steps to help you navigate this stage:

Self-Reflection and Insight: Take the time to reflect on your attachment patterns and their origins. Explore your early experiences with caregivers and how they may have shaped your beliefs and behaviors in relationships. Journaling, therapy, or discussions with trusted friends or partners can provide valuable insights.

Education and Knowledge: Deepen your understanding of Attachment Theory and its implications for adult relationships. Read books, attend workshops or seminars, and engage with reputable sources of information to learn more about Attachment Styles, relational dynamics, and effective communication strategies.

Identify Triggers and Patterns: Please notice situations or interactions that trigger feelings of insecurity, anxiety, or avoidance. Notice recurring patterns in your relationships and how you typically respond to challenges or conflicts. Awareness is the first step toward change.

Develop Coping Strategies: Once you've identified your triggers and patterns, develop healthy coping strategies to manage difficult emotions and behaviors. This might involve relaxation techniques, mindfulness practices, or cognitive reframing exercises to challenge negative thought patterns.

Practice New Skills: Actively practice new ways of relating in your relationships—experiment with expressing vulnerability, setting boundaries, and seeking support when needed. Start small and gradually increase the complexity of your interactions as you become more comfortable with your new skills.

Seek Feedback and Support: Share your journey with trusted humans who can offer support, feedback, and encouragement along the way. This might include friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide valuable insights and perspective on your progress.

Reflect on Progress: Regularly evaluate your progress and celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Acknowledge the challenges you've overcome and the growth you've experienced in your journey toward conscious competence. Celebrating milestones can help motivate you to continue moving forward.

Maintain Consistency and Patience: Remember that change takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and stay committed to your growth journey, even when faced with setbacks or obstacles. Consistent practice and perseverance will ultimately lead to greater mastery and confidence in cultivating a Secure Attachment Style.

Please Consider Doing Your Best To Follow These Steps…

Remain dedicated to your personal growth and development… You can move toward conscious competence by cultivating a Secure Attachment Style and experiencing more fulfilling and satisfying relationships.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.