What is Grim-Keeping?

Tuesday, November 5, 2024. For Tilda, period.

Tilda tilted her head back and attempted to blow smoke rings.

“Daniel, Esther told me relationship expectations are a racket. We all know this.

We pretend to be fascinated by each other's hobbies, last night, I feign smiles during Harry’s third retelling of whatever…, and nod sagely as he announces, after the election, he’s ‘gonna cut down on his doomscrolling… this time for real.’

But underneath all these polite lies, is the real foundation of any enduring relationship is a shared aversion, the virtues of grim-keeping.”

Tilda barely suppressed a smile.

Grim-keeping, the pastime that actually keeps some couples together.

Tilda deadpanned…”Love Is Overrated, Daniel… But Disdain? …Now That’s Forever.”

Forget the poets. “Love conquers all” is just a platitude reserved for Hallmark cards and those sickening couples who photograph themselves making heart shapes with their hands. True, unshakeable connection is built on the sturdy bedrock of what you both can’t stand.

It’s why you stay with someone despite their habit of telling you what they just read in The Atlantic. It’s why you don’t throw your partner out of a moving vehicle when they begin a sentence with, “So, I was listening to this podcast…”

Grim-keeping is the underground river that feeds long-term love.

It’s not the stuff of Pinterest quotes or wedding vows (“I promise to roll my eyes with you till death do us part”), but it should be. Love starts with butterflies, but it endures with synchronized glares and shared mutterings of “this is why people don’t talk to each other on the subway.”

Memes: The Gospel of Grievance

In a world saturated with saccharine #relationshipgoals, the memes that resonate most are the ones that tell the truth, and that truth is: loving the same thing is nice, but hating the same thing is essential.

A drunk therapist from Kansas once bloviated at me, “my clients are telling me that true love is hating all the same people,” and you know what? That’s as profound as it gets.

Your grandma’s needlepoint about love, trust, and warm apple pie is no match for a couple who can exchange a look across a crowded room that says, “I will pay you $50 to get us out of here right now.”

These memes capture the reality that relationship longevity isn’t built on the number of vacations taken together or how many times you can bear to post “bestie” with a picture of your significant other.

It’s built on a mutual, bone-deep loathing of life’s everyday absurdities: the co-worker who uses corporate jargon during lunch, the couple who always shows up in matching Patagonia, influencers whose entire personality is “being tired but quirky.”

What is Grim-Keeping?

"Grim-keeping" is a term used to describe inhabiting a pessimistic or negative mindset, and narrating the worst possible take on situations.

These folks may tend to “keep” (more accurately, notice) a less sanguine view on life, relationships, or particular situations, making it challenging to see or hope for positive outcomes.

Conventional mental health thinking might suggest that, in relationships, a "grim-keeper" might hold onto grievances, highlight negatives, and focus on worst-case scenarios, often discouraging a sense of optimism or growth.

This enthusiastic, (but otherwise mediocre therapist), might go on to warn their client how this might tend to perpetuate a self-fulfilling cycle, where negativity might dampen any ongoing efforts toward positive change or connection.

So much for the conventional perspective. Because Grim-keeping can manifest playfully as well.

Grim-keeping isn’t just a passive pastime; for some couples, it’s an art form.. even foreplay.

It’s seeing someone publicly proclaim, “I just love meeting new people!” and exchanging a silent look with your partner that undresses them with your eyes.

It’s being trapped at a brunch where someone says, “Oh my God, this avocado toast is life,” and knowing that when you get home, you’ll dissect this statement like a frog in your high school biology class. This bond is forged in the fire of these unspoken agreements: “We are smarter than this, right? Right.”

Consider the story of Tilda and Harry (because what’s a story without generic names?)

They met at a wedding so curated that the guests were seated by their astrological signs.

The night was a haze of mason jars and people saying “let’s circle back” in casual conversation.

When the best man proposed a toast that began with, “When Matt met Stacey, he was not the Matt you see today...,” Tilda leaned over to Harry and whispered, “Which Matt are we talking about, the one who cried at a SoulCycle class… or the one who had to delete his LinkedIn profile for ‘mental health reasons’?” Harry didn’t just laugh; he proposed at Mr. Purple six months later.

Tips for Beginners: How to Grim Keep Without Guilt

• Ditch the Politeness: If you’re still pretending to love spin class just because your partner does, stop… just stop.

  Admit that you’d rather sit in traffic without air conditioning than listen to another instructor shout, “Push through the burn!” You’ll be met with either relief or a breakup, and either are victories.

• Identify Your Shared Nemesis: Whether it’s brunch culture, TED Talk enthusiasts, or people who say, “just manifest it,” find your shared enemy. Now there’s some couple’s glue mojo.

• Create Your Own Memes: The next time someone on social media says, “Adulting is hard,” and you feel that tickle of rage bubbling up, take a screenshot and send it to your partner with the caption, “This is why we drink.”

The Comfort of Shared Dread and the Sardonic

Sardonic humor is a form of wit that expresses skepticism or cynicism in a detached, almost resigned manner.

It’s not as overtly grim as grim-keeping, but it operates in a similar vein by revealing the flaws, hypocrisies, or absurdities in a situation.

Sardonic humor allows people to engage with dark or unpleasant truths without the weight of anger or despair, often softening harsh realities with a clever twist.

Where grim-keeping might be blunt and unfiltered, sardonic humor is more likely to be subtle, perhaps using irony or deadpan delivery to point out what’s wrong in a way that feels oddly detached.

A person with a sardonic sense of humor might say something like, "Nothing quite like a little corporate team-building exercise to remind you how much they care about the bottom line." There’s a hidden critique here, wrapped in humor that’s not quite bitter but has a tinge of resigned realism.

Think of a coworker who, in response to a superficial morale-boosting slogan from upper management, quips, "Good to know a pizza party fixes burnout!" This is both grim-keeping (calling out the inadequacy of token gestures) and sardonic humor (using sarcasm to make a critical point).

When used effectively, this blend can provide relief or solidarity, especially among folks, and couples who may also feel frustrated or disillusioned.

It brings a refreshing dose of honesty, allowing people to laugh at something dark, which might otherwise be overwhelming or simply go unaddressed.

Why We Need Both

Grim-keeping and sardonic humor serve as counterbalances to overly optimistic or surface-level perspectives.

They give voice to hidden frustrations, hypocrisies, or unspoken truths, and they’re especially valuable in environments that discourage open criticism or foster a culture of forced positivity.

Grim-keeping ensures that uncomfortable realities are not swept under the rug, while sardonic humor makes it palatable and even enjoyable to face them.

In a way, sardonic humor can temper the severity of grim-keeping, making it easier for folks to engage with harsh truths without feeling alienated or depressed.

When grim-keeping and sardonic humor intersect, the result is often an unvarnished yet amusing take on life’s darker sides. Sardonic humor, when wielded by a grim-keeper, can create a uniquely sharp commentary that’s hard to ignore.

This combination can be incredibly effective in cutting through illusions or self-deceptions. For some couples, grim-keeping can be an intimate form of release.

Together, they create a unique, intimate, and edgy perspective that can prompt reflection and perhaps even bring people together around a shared recognition of life’s inevitable difficulties.

Tilda continued.

“There’s a reason why the meme “When you both side-eye at the same time” has been shared more than any inspirational quote by freaking Rumi.

It speaks to the universal truth that while we may pretend to be optimistic, what really makes life bearable is knowing that someone else also thinks airport clappers deserve their own circle of hell.

So, Daniel, as you can see, I’m kinda immune to the ‘be your best self’ or ‘grow together’ horesh*t.”

I’m grateful for Harry. You got that right. I’m grateful for someone who, when faced with a group of strangers shouting “Woo!” at a Khatia Buniatishvili:concert, will look at you and say, as my dear Harry did last night; “Tilda, my beloved…I can’t believe these people are allowed to have library cards.”

That, Daniel, is love in the modern age. And, as far as I’m concerned it’s the only kind that endures.”

Thanks Tilda. I’ll take that under advisement.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

4o