Balancing Independence and Togetherness in Marriage: a guide to healthy relationships
Wednesday, August 7, 2024.
Marriage is often viewed as the ultimate union of two individuals.
However, the strength of this union depends not on the dissolution of individuality but on the healthy balance between independence and togetherness.
Some of my clients have shown me how maintaining emotional independence in marriage can lead to a more fulfilling and resilient relationship.
In this blog post, we’ll explore how independence in marriage goes beyond mere physical space and encompasses freedom from sleepwalking into reactivity, addiction, and self-absorption in an increasingly anxious age.
The Importance of Independence in Marriage
Independence in marriage doesn't mean leading separate lives but rather fostering an environment where both partners can thrive as individuals.
Emotional independence in marriage is crucial for personal growth and the relationship's overall health. It allows each partner to bring their best self into the marriage, contributing to a stronger, more resilient partnership.
Key Aspects of Independence in Marriage:
Emotional Independence: Maintaining one's emotional well-being without relying solely on the partner for happiness.
Intellectual Independence: Encouraging personal interests, hobbies, and growth.
Social Independence: Maintaining friendships and social connections outside the marriage.
Freedom from Reactivity
Independence also means freedom from automatic reactivity.
Many couples fall into the trap of reacting impulsively to their partner’s words or actions, often leading to unnecessary conflicts.
By cultivating self-awareness and emotional regulation, couples can respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. This approach, emphasized by Dr. John Gottman, a renowned couples therapy thought leader, involves understanding one's triggers and developing strategies to manage them.
Overcoming Addiction in Relationships
Addiction, whether it’s substance abuse, gambling, your phone, or even codependency, can erode the foundation of a marriage.
Achieving independence in marriage means breaking free from these destructive patterns. Couples can support each other in seeking help, establishing boundaries, and promoting healthier behaviors. Overcoming addiction is also a journey toward reclaiming independence and fostering a stronger marital bond.
Avoiding Self-Absorption
Self-absorption, or being overly focused on one's own needs and desires, can harm a marriage.
True independence involves being self-aware but also considering and valuing the partner's needs. Dr. Esther Perel, another influential voice in couples therapy, emphasizes the importance of balancing personal desires with relational commitments. This balance helps prevent self-absorption and promotes healthy interdependence.
A Client Story: The Journey of Lisa and Mark
Lisa and Mark came to therapy struggling with their dynamic. Lisa, a 47-year-old corporate lawyer, felt suffocated by Mark’s constant need for validation, while Mark, a 48-year-old academic and historian, felt abandoned whenever Lisa pursued her interests. Their marriage was on the brink of collapse due to constant, bitter arguments and a lack of understanding.
In our sessions, we explored the concept of independence in marriage.
Lisa needed space to pursue her passion for painting, which she had given up to support Mark’s career.
Mark, on the other hand, had to confront his fear of abandonment, rooted in childhood experiences. By understanding their individual needs and fears, they began to cultivate emotional independence.
Lisa started attending a weekly art class, which brought her immense joy and a sense of self-fulfillment.
Mark, meanwhile, learned to manage his insecurities by engaging in self-reflection and seeking support from an academic men’s group where he was on the faculty. Over time, Mark’s anxiety lessened, and he began to appreciate Lisa’s growth.
Through this journey, Lisa and Mark discovered the importance of maintaining their individuality within the marriage.
They communicated better, supported each other’s growth, and developed a deeper connection. Their story illustrates how balancing independence and togetherness can lead to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
Practical steps for cultivating independence in marriage
Communicate Openly: Regularly discuss your needs, aspirations, and fears with your partner.
Pursue Personal Interests: Engage in hobbies and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.
Develop Emotional Regulation: Practice mindfulness and self-reflection to manage reactivity. First, take care of your nervous system.
Set Healthy Boundaries: Establish and respect boundaries that allow each partner to maintain their individuality.
Seek Support: Consider therapy or support groups to address issues like addiction or codependency.
Final thoughts
Independence in marriage is not about creating distance but about fostering a partnership where both individuals can flourish. By embracing emotional independence and overcoming reactivity, addiction, and self-absorption, couples can build stronger, more resilient relationships.
Remember, a healthy marriage is not the end of individuality but the celebration of two unique individuals coming together to create a life of shared joy and mutual growth.
As a couples therapist, I encourage you to explore these concepts in your relationship and seek the best balance for you and your partner.
In the words of Dr. Brené Brown, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."
May your journey towards independence and togetherness be one of growth, understanding, and enduring love.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
