Are some breakups thwarted by altruism? The surprising truth about staying in unhappy relationships
Friday, June 7, 2024.
Have you ever stayed in a relationship just because you thought your partner couldn’t handle a breakup? Turns out, you’re not alone—and there’s scientific research to back you up!
According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people often stay in unhappy relationships when they believe their partner might crumble without them.
Yes, it sounds like a plot twist in a romantic comedy, but it’s true!
Dr. Samantha Joel, the lead author, explained, "The more dependent people believed their partner was on the relationship, the less likely they were to initiate a breakup." This isn’t just about being noble; it’s about not wanting to be the villain in someone else’s story.
How The Study Was Conducted
One study followed nearly 1400 (ok, 1,348) participants over ten weeks and found a significant trend: even those who were unhappy in their relationships hesitated to leave if they thought their partner was deeply invested. As Dr. Joel puts it, "We generally don’t want to hurt our partners and care about what they want."
So, what’s driving this seemingly altruistic behavior? According to the research, it's a mix of not wanting to cause emotional pain and perhaps overestimating how devastated the other person would be. Dr. Joel noted, "It could be that people overestimate their partner’s commitment and the potential pain of a breakup."
Interestingly, other factors also explain why people stay in unsatisfying relationships.
Fear of being alone, and the lack of better alternatives can make even the most discontented partners stick around.
This research flips the script on the typical narrative of breakups being purely selfish acts.
Instead, it shows that many people make unselfish decisions in their relationships, which might surprise most Americans. After all, who knew that staying in a less-than-ideal relationship could be a form of altruism?
Final thoughts
However, staying in a relationship for the other person's sake isn’t always the best move.
If one partner picks up on the other's unhappiness, it could further negatively affect the relationship dynamics.
In the end, Dr. Joel asks the million-dollar question: "Who wants a partner who doesn’t really want to be in the relationship?" The answer is complex and depends on individual circumstances, but this research certainly sheds light on the often unselfish nature of relationship decisions.
So, next time you hear about someone staying in a tough relationship, remember—they might just be trying to spare their partner some heartache. Altruism in breakups? Who knew!
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Joel, S., Impett, E. A., Spielmann, S. S., & MacDonald, G. (2018). How interdependent are stay/leave decisions? On staying in the relationship for the sake of the romantic partner. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(5), 805–824. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000139
