Anxious Attachment Breakup Phases…
Wednesday, March 6, 2024.
Understanding Breakup Dynamics: Anxious Attachment in Relationships
Breakups can be a complex journey, especially for humans with Anxious Attachment styles…
The phases of a breakup and the intricate dynamics between Anxious Attachment and other Attachment Styles can provide profound insights for all of us.
As a couples therapist grounded in Attachment Science, I've studied the work of renowned researchers and thought leaders to shed light on how different attachment styles manifest during a breakup.
Let’s understand Anxious Attachment breakup phases through the partner’s attachment style…
Anxious Attachment with Secure Attachment Partner: Research by Dr. Sue Johnson, a pioneer in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), highlights the importance of attachment bonds in romantic relationships.
Humans with Anxious Attachment often seek closeness and reassurance, while those with secure attachment feel comfortable with intimacy and autonomy.
During a breakup, the anxious partner may experience heightened distress, seeking validation and connection from their secure partner.
Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment," emphasize that secure partners provide a sense of safety and stability, but may struggle to understand the anxious partner's overwhelming need for reassurance past a certain point, especially if they initiated the breakup.
Anxious Attachment with Anxious Attachment Partner: Dr. Stan Tatkin, creator of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), explores how similar attachment styles can amplify each other's anxieties in relationships. Both partners may oscillate between intense longing for connection and fear of abandonment, leading to a cycle of breakup and reconciliation.
Dr. Lisa Firestone, a clinical psychologist and author, suggests that this turbulent dynamic stems from unresolved attachment wounds and fears of rejection. Without effective communication and boundary-setting, the relationship may spiral into a pattern of instability and emotional turmoil.
Anxious Attachment with Dismissive Avoidant Partner: Dr. John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, and Dr. Mary Ainsworth, a developmental psychologist, laid the groundwork for understanding the interplay between attachment styles in adult relationships.
Humans with Anxious Attachment often crave closeness, while Dismissive, Avoidant partners prioritize independence and self-reliance.
Jeb Kinnison, author of "Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner," explains that during a breakup, the anxious partner may feel overwhelmed by the Dismissive-Avoidant partner's emotional distance. This mismatch in emotional responsiveness can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings, exacerbating the anxious partner's fears of abandonment.
Anxious Attachment with Fearful Avoidant Partner: Dr. Hal Shorey, a clinical psychologist specializing in attachment theory, highlights the challenges of navigating relationships between Anxious and Fearful-Avoidant spouses. Anxious attachment individuals seek reassurance and closeness, while fearful avoidant partners vacillate between longing for intimacy and fear of engulfment. Their apparent indecision can cause an anxiously attached partner to dysregulate.
Jeb Kinnison suggests that during a breakup, the anxious partner may feel caught in a push-pull dynamic, unsure of how to navigate the Fearful-Avoidant partner's ambivalence. This uncertainty can intensify the anxious partner's insecurities, leading to emotional turmoil and distress.
Final thoughts
I’m delighted that insights from attachment science and thought leaders percolate in popular culture. Learning more about the science of human bonding benefits everyone.
Understanding how anxious attachment manifests in relationships during breakup phases can also benefit everyone because a full quarter of humanity is Anxiously Attached.
Navigating the divide between Anxious Attachment and other attachment styles can foster empathy, communication, and healing huans navigating the complexities of romantic relationships.
That’s what good couples therapy can do. I can help with that.
Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
