Anxious Attachment and the Self-Absorbed Partner…

Friday, March 22. 2024.

An Anxious Attachment style is characterized by a heightened sensitivity to perceived threats of abandonment or rejection, often leading to clinginess, seeking reassurance, and a fear of being unloved.

On the other hand, self-absorption and narcissism encompass traits such as grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.

When these two dynamics reliably converge in a relationship, a volatile and potentially toxic dynamic can emerge.

The Anxiously Attached fear of abandonment may fuel their attempts to please and appease the narcissistic partner, often at the expense of their own needs and well-being.

They may find themselves trapped in a cycle of seeking validation and approval from the narcissist, only to be met with inconsistent or dismissive responses.

Meanwhile, the narcissistic partner, driven by their own need for admiration and control, may exploit their Anxiously Attached vulnerabilities for their own gain. They may manipulate situations to maintain a sense of power and superiority, exploiting the Anxious partner's fear of rejection to keep them tethered to the relationship.

This dynamic is often characterized by a push-pull dynamic, where the Anxious partner oscillates between desperately seeking closeness and intimacy and recoiling in fear of rejection or criticism from the narcissistic partner.

The narcissist, in turn, may vacillate between showering the Anxious partner with effusive affection and attention to maintain their allegiance… and withdrawing or devaluing them when their needs are not being met.

Attachment thought leaders like Sue Johnson, author of "Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families," and Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love," shed light on these dynamics. They emphasize the importance of recognizing and understanding these patterns as a first step to break free from unhealthy relationship dynamics and cultivate healthier, more secure attachments.

Another perspective on the dynamics between individuals with an anxious attachment style and narcissistic partners comes from the work of Stan Tatkin, a leading figure in the field of couple therapy and attachment theory. Tatkin's "Wired for Love" explores how attachment styles shape our relationships and interactions.

In this context, Tatkin highlights how the Anxiously Attached partner constant need for reassurance and fear of abandonment can become entangled with the narcissistic partner's self-centeredness and inability to empathize. The Anxious partner's attempts to fulfill the narcissist's insatiable need for admiration may lead to a cycle of over-giving and self-neglect.

Similarly, Diane Poole Heller, known for her contributions to somatic experiencing and attachment theory, sheds light on the somatic aspects of these dynamics. In her work, she explores how the body stores trauma and attachment patterns, influencing our relational dynamics.

For humans with an Anxious Attachment Style, this might manifest as physical symptoms of anxiety or hypervigilance in the presence of their narcissistic partner's unpredictable behavior.

Furthermore, Lisa Firestone's work, a clinical psychologist and expert in relationships and self-destructive behavior, delves into the underlying psychological mechanisms driving these dynamics. Her ideas are particularly relevant in this discussion.

Firestone's research on the "inner critic" and the intriguing concept of "voice therapy" elucidates how the Anxiously Attached internalized critical voice may be amplified in the presence of a narcissistic partner, exacerbating feelings of unworthiness and dependence.

Final thoughts

Overall, these thought leaders offer a few interesting insights into the complex interplay between Anxious Attachment and narcissism in relationships. By integrating psychological, somatic, and relational perspectives, they provide a somewhat more comprehensive understanding of the dynamics at play, and offer concrete strategies for healing and growth.

Be well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.