Ancient Roman Couples Therapy: Saving Your Marriage, One Virtue at a Time
Tuesday, January 14, 2025. This is for Junta, who has proven himself to be an exemplar of Roman virtue.
At the height of their civilization, the Romans were nothing if not methodical.
From engineering aqueducts to drafting laws that still echo through modern governance, they excelled at organizing human life. Now imagine this meticulous mindset applied to relationships.
What if ancient Rome had developed evidence-based couples and family therapy?
Its foundation would not have been emotions, or modern notions of individuality, but the bedrock virtues that defined their society.
Therapy would revolve around virtues like pietas, dignitas, gravitas, and others that governed personal and familial conduct.
Far from being relics of a bygone era, these virtues offer a framework for understanding commitment, responsibility, and harmony for some folks today.
Let’s step into an imaginary Roman therapy session, where the goal isn’t just repairing the bond between two people, but strengthening the household as a cornerstone of Roman society.
The Virtues at the Heart of Roman Couples Therapy
Pietas (Devotion and Duty)
Pietas was one of the highest Roman virtues, encompassing duty to the gods, the family, and the state. It demanded that every Roman understand their role in a network of obligations that transcended personal desires.
In therapy, pietas would be explored as the foundation of the relationship. The therapist might ask:
"How do you honor your obligations to each other, your family, and your shared goals?"
"What rituals or practices keep you connected to your roles within the household?"
Couples would be encouraged to see their marriage not as a purely personal relationship but as part of a larger societal and spiritual order. For example, raising children wouldn’t just be seen as parenting but as preparing future citizens of Rome.
Dignitas (Personal Worth and Reputation)
To the Romans, dignitas was the sum of one’s honor, reputation, and societal contributions. For a couple, this virtue extended to the household as a reflection of their collective dignity.
Therapy would focus on how individual actions either uplift or diminish the household’s dignitas:
Does the husband’s behavior in public reflect respect for his wife and family?
Is the wife’s stewardship of the household contributing to the family’s good name?
Dignitas would push couples to prioritize mutual respect and public harmony. Disputes would be reframed as threats not just to personal happiness but to the household’s standing in the community.
Gravitas (Seriousness and Emotional Regulation)
Gravitas represented the ability to approach life with seriousness, self-discipline, and emotional control. A Roman therapist might probe:
"Do you approach disagreements with gravitas, or do you let emotions overwhelm reason?"
"How do you handle adversity together as a couple?"
Exercises might include Stoic practices like daily reflections or imagining worst-case scenarios to build resilience. Couples would learn to see challenges as opportunities to demonstrate courage and self-control.
Concordia (Harmony)
Concordia was the ideal of harmony within relationships and society. For couples, this meant maintaining balance and unity in the face of inevitable conflicts.
Therapists would emphasize the need for open communication and collaboration. They might suggest:
Shared rituals to strengthen bonds, such as dining together without distractions (even the slaves can take a break).
Mediation exercises where both partners take turns voicing grievances and proposing solutions.
The therapist’s goal would be to cultivate a household where differences are resolved constructively, ensuring the family's strength and stability.
Auctoritas (Influence and Leadership)
In a Roman household, leadership wasn’t just about power; it was about moral authority. Auctoritas demanded that the paterfamilias (male head of the household) lead with wisdom and fairness.
Therapy would challenge both partners to examine their influence:
How does each partner model virtue and integrity for the rest of the household?
Does leadership foster respect and cooperation, or does it breed resentment?
Leadership would be reframed as a shared responsibility, with both partners contributing to the household's moral and practical guidance.
Industria (Diligence and Hard Work)
Industria valued hard work and perseverance. A Roman therapist might highlight the importance of diligence in maintaining a relationship:
Are both partners putting effort into their roles?
How can household duties be distributed more equitably to ensure balance?
Industria would remind couples that a thriving household doesn’t happen by accident—it requires consistent effort and commitment from both parties.
Fides (Faith and Trust)
At the heart of any Roman contract, including marriage, was fides, or trustworthiness. It wasn’t just about keeping promises but embodying integrity in all actions.
Therapists would explore:
How well do partners trust each other to fulfill their roles and obligations?
Are there actions or habits that undermine this trust, and how can they be addressed?
Fides would be reinforced through exercises designed to rebuild trust, such as creating shared goals or commitments that reflect mutual accountability.
A Typical Roman Couples Therapy Session
Invocation of Virtues
The session begins with a ceremonial nod to the virtues. Perhaps a small offering to Juno, goddess of marriage, sets the tone for thoughtful reflection.
The therapist might say:
"Today, we honor pietas, dignitas, and concordia as the cornerstones of a harmonious household. Let us reflect on how these virtues guide your relationship."
Problem-Solving Through Virtues
Issues are reframed through the lens of virtues:
A wife frustrated by her husband’s absences might be encouraged to discuss how his actions affect the household’s concordia.
A husband feeling unappreciated might explore whether the family’s dignitas is being upheld collectively.
Assignments to Practice Virtue
Homework is virtue-based:
For Pietas: Create a daily ritual to honor each other’s contributions to the household.
For Gravitas: Practice Stoic reflection by journaling about conflicts without assigning blame.
For Concordia: Establish a weekly meeting to discuss household matters constructively.
A Legacy of Virtue
Ancient Roman therapy would be far more than a tool for resolving conflicts.
It would be a structured approach to cultivating virtue within the household, ensuring not just a strong marriage but a strong society.
The emphasis on duty, harmony, and legacy would encourage couples to see their partnership as part of something greater—a thread in the vast tapestry of Roman civilization.
While we may no longer fully appreciate Pietas, Dignitas, Industria, or Gravitas at a mass-cultural level, these virtues still resonate for some folks.
In 2025, in regards to Concordia, Auctoritas, and Fides, it’s readily apparent that these virtues in the USA are essentially culturally extinct.
These human virtues remind us that relationships thrive not just on passion, but also upon a shared commitment to values that outlast fleeting bouts of self-absorbed emotion.
Cultural Narcissism is smothering these virtues like a wet blanket on a ebbing campfire.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.