Adult Children of Divorce: Understanding Their Silent Suffering…

Thursday, May 9, 2024. This is for SS.

There's a prevailing cultural belief that once adult children are successfully launched into the world, they should be indifferent or, at worst, nonchalant about their parents' divorce. This misconception often surfaces in couples therapy, but emerging research tells a different story.

"Gray Divorce," the term used for divorces among older couples, has a profound impact on adult children.

Contrary to expectations, these folks often feel a deep sense of loss, similar to what young children experience. However, unlike their younger selves, they may lack the resilience to cope with such upheavals, yet are expected to shoulder more responsibilities.

Unlike younger children, adult children of divorce are not typically afforded the same degree of emotional attention and concern. They are often bewildered and shocked when their family unit, which they thought was stable, disintegrates into conflict and bitterness. They may even find themselves drawn into the battle, taking on roles such as confidants, advisors, spies, or caretakers.

The impact of boomer divorces, which are becoming increasingly common, extends beyond the divorcing couple to their adult children in ways that our culture often overlooks. Here are some of the key impacts on adult children of divorce:

Toxic Triangulations: Adult children can quickly find themselves caught in toxic triangulations, where they are forced to witness or even participate in conflicts between their parents.

Information Overload: While young children are often shielded from the details of a divorce, adult children are sometimes burdened with unnecessary personal information about their parents' relationship.

Concern for Future Generations: Adult children may worry about how their parents' divorce will impact their own children, with the emotional effects on grandchildren often overlooked.

Loss of Family Home: The family home, often a repository of cherished memories and rituals, may be sold or lost through divorce, leading to a profound sense of loss for adult children.

Financial and Emotional Burdens: Divorcing boomers may place unreasonable emotional or financial demands on their adult children, who may feel responsible for ensuring their parents' well-being.

Impact on Intimate Relationships: Adult children may struggle with intimacy and trust in their own relationships, having witnessed the impermanence of love up close.

Despite these profound impacts, there is often a lack of cultural expectation that adult children of divorce have any emotional needs around their parents' divorce. They are simply expected to "deal with it." This can leave them feeling invisible and marginalized, with their thoughts and feelings never solicited or acknowledged.

If you are an adult child of divorce, it's important to:

Discuss Boundaries: Have open discussions with your spouse and siblings about appropriate boundaries, emotional support, and financial concerns.

Remind Your Self-Absorbed Parents of the Extended Family: Advocate for the impact on grandchildren and extended family members during discussions about the divorce.

Cultivate Benign Neutrality: Maintain a relationship with both parents and resist taking sides or getting drawn into conflicts.

Value Your Independence: Assert your autonomy and prioritize the needs of your own family.

Remember, your parents' divorce is not a commentary on your own relationships or capacity for intimacy. It's okay to seek support from a science-based couples therapist if you find yourself struggling with these issues.

Are you a therapist working with clients who are close with their divorcing parents? Consider these additional interventions…

The Myth of Indifference: Challenge the cultural myth that adult children should be indifferent to their parents' divorce. Highlight that their emotional needs are just as valid and important as those of younger children.

Long-Term Impact: Discuss the long-term impact of parental divorce on adult children's mental health and well-being, including potential effects on their own relationships and ability to trust.

Complex Family Dynamics: Explore the complex dynamics that can arise when parents remarry or form new partnerships, and how adult children navigate these relationships.

Role Reversal: Examine the phenomenon of role reversal, in which adult children may feel compelled to care for their parents during and after the divorce.

Cultural Expectations: Critique the cultural expectation that adult children should prioritize their parents' happiness over their own feelings and needs.

Resilience and Coping Strategies: Highlight the resilience and coping strategies that adult children develop in response to their parents' divorce, showcasing their ability to adapt and thrive despite challenging circumstances.

Support Networks: Emphasize the importance of support networks for adult children of divorce, including therapy, support groups, and close relationships with friends and family members.

Narrative Reconstruction: Discuss the process of narrative reconstruction, where adult children reframe their family history and create new narratives that integrate the divorce into their life story.

Intergenerational Impact: Explore how the divorce of one generation can impact future generations, as adult children may carry unresolved issues into their own parenting and relationships.

Empowerment and Self-Care: Encourage adult children to prioritize self-care and empowerment, recognizing that they have the right to set boundaries and prioritize their own well-being.

Final thoughts

The impact of parental divorce on adult children is profound and often underestimated.

These folks experience a range of emotions, from loss and abandonment to confusion and role reversal.

Despite societal expectations of indifference, adult children of divorce have valid emotional needs that deserve recognition and support.

Acknowledging their experiences, providing avenues for healing, and empowering them to prioritize their own well-being is crucial.

Let’s reflect on their plight with understanding and empathy. Perhaps we can create a more compassionate and inclusive narrative around divorce that recognizes the unique challenges faced by adult children.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Gordon Julien, J. (2016, April 21). Never Too Old to Hurt From Parents’ Divorce. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/24/fashion/weddings/never-too-old-to-hurt-from-parents-divorce.html