9 Things you do as an adult if you were abused as a child

Thursday, June 20, 2024.

Childhood abuse leaves profound and lasting scars, affecting various aspects of one's life well into adulthood.

Here are 9 behaviors commonly exhibited by those of us who endured extreme abuse as children.

Understanding these patterns can offer insights into healing and finding a healthier emotional life.

Being Out of Touch with Our Emotions

Childhood abuse often forces folks to detach from their emotions as a survival mechanism.

Over time, this detachment can lead to a chronic state of being out of touch with one's feelings.

According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading expert in developmental trauma, this emotional numbness is a defense against overwhelming pain. Those who experienced abuse may struggle to identify and express their emotions, leading to difficulties in personal relationships and self-awareness.

This disconnection can manifest in various ways, such as feeling empty or numb, having difficulty identifying what one feels, or being unable to respond emotionally to events that would typically elicit a reaction. Over time, this can lead to a sense of alienation from oneself and others, creating barriers to intimacy and personal growth.

Being Extremely Defensive

Defensiveness is a common trait among those who suffer significant childhood abuse. This behavior stems from a heightened sense of vulnerability and a need to protect oneself from perceived threats.

Dr. Peter Levine, known for his work in trauma therapy, explains that defensive behavior is a way to shield oneself from further emotional harm. This can manifest as anger, irritation, or an inability to accept constructive criticism, often pushing people away and reinforcing feelings of isolation.

For survivors, being defensive is often an automatic response to perceived criticism or threat. Maintaining healthy relationships can be challenging, as the constant need to protect oneself can prevent open and honest communication. It can also lead to frequent conflicts and misunderstandings, further isolating the individual.

People Pleasing

People pleasing is a coping mechanism developed in response to abuse, where approval and acceptance were conditional.

Dr. Gabor Maté, an expert in childhood trauma, states that folks who were abused may overextend themselves to meet others' expectations to avoid conflict and gain validation. This behavior often leads to neglecting one's own needs and desires, causing emotional burnout and resentment.

People pleasers may constantly seek reassurance and validation from others, fearing rejection or abandonment if they assert their own needs. This can lead to a loss of identity, as their sense of self-worth becomes tied to others' approval. Over time, this relentless pursuit of acceptance can cause severe emotional exhaustion and a deep sense of unfulfillment.

Often Unable to Ask for Help

The inability to ask for help is rooted in the fear of rejection and the belief that one is unworthy of support.

Survivors of childhood abuse might have been taught that seeking help is a sign of weakness.

Dr. Judith Herman, a pioneer in the field of trauma and recovery, highlights that this mindset makes it challenging for individuals to reach out, leaving them to cope with their struggles alone.

This reluctance to seek help can lead to significant challenges, such as managing stress, solving problems, and achieving personal goals. It can also exacerbate feelings of isolation and helplessness as the individual struggles to navigate life's challenges without support. Learning to ask for help is a crucial step in the healing process, requiring a shift in mindset and the development of trust in others.

Shame Even After the Smallest Mistake

Shame is a pervasive feeling for many who endured childhood abuse.

This emotion can be overwhelming, even in response to minor mistakes.

According to Dr. Janina Fisher, an expert in trauma-informed therapy, this deep-seated shame often stems from internalized messages of worthlessness and inadequacy imposed by abusive caregivers. Overcoming this requires significant emotional work to rebuild a positive self-image.

Shame can lead to a cycle of self-criticism and self-punishment, where the individual feels unworthy and defective. This can hinder personal and professional growth, as the fear of making mistakes prevents them from taking risks and pursuing opportunities. Overcoming shame involves challenging these negative beliefs and developing self-compassion, allowing folks to see themselves through a kinder, more forgiving lens.

We Want to Isolate All the Time

Isolation can feel safer than interaction for those who were abused as children. Dr. Lisa Firestone, a clinical psychologist specializing in trauma, explains that withdrawing from social interactions helps individuals avoid potential triggers and the pain of rejection. However, this isolation can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and depression, creating a cycle that's hard to break.

Isolation can provide a temporary sense of safety but ultimately deepens the individual's sense of disconnection from others. It can prevent them from forming meaningful relationships and experiencing the support and connection that are crucial for healing. Breaking this cycle involves gradually re-engaging with the world, building trust, and seeking out positive social experiences.

We Lie Too Much

Compulsive lying is often a defense mechanism to avoid confrontation and punishment. Abused kids often grow up lying to protect themselves from perceived threats, a habit formed during their formative years.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, an expert in addictive behaviors and trauma, notes that this tendency to lie can be a way to maintain a sense of control and safety in unpredictable environments.

As Carnes points out, we lie about sex. We lie about drugs. We lie about rock and roll.

Lying can become a deeply ingrained behavior, making it difficult for the individual to trust themselves and others.

It can undermine relationships, erode trust, and create a constant state of anxiety as folks try to keep track of their falsehoods. Addressing this behavior requires understanding its roots in trauma and developing healthier ways to cope with fear and insecurity.

We May Have Difficulty Making Decisions

Decision-making can be particularly challenging for abuse survivors due to a lack of self-trust and fear of making the wrong choice.

Dr. Robert Scaer, a neurologist specializing in trauma, asserts that this indecision is often a result of chronic anxiety and the internalized belief that our decisions are inherently flawed. This can lead to significant stress and a sense of paralysis in many aspects of life.

Indecision can stem from a fear of failure and the belief that one's choices will inevitably lead to negative outcomes.

This can cause us to overthink and second-guess every decision, leading to procrastination and missed opportunities. Building confidence in decision-making involves developing self-trust and honesty, learning to tolerate uncertainty, and practicing self-compassion, our growing edge.

We Seek Out Unavailable Partners

Seeking out unavailable partners is a common pattern among those who have experienced severe childhood abuse.

This behavior often reflects unresolved attachment issues and a subconscious attempt to recreate and 'fix' past relational dynamics.

The late Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading authority on attachment theory, explained that we may be drawn to emotionally unavailable partners as it mirrors their early experiences, perpetuating a cycle of unfulfillment and emotional pain.

This pattern can lead to unhealthy relationships where we are repeatedly hurt and disappointed. It can reinforce feelings of unworthiness and negative beliefs about love and relationships. Breaking this cycle involves recognizing these patterns, understanding their roots in past trauma, and learning to seek out healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Healing and Moving Forward

Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward healing. I know it’s a sh*tload of work, and someday, maybe, you’ll give it some thought.

But working with a therapist specializing in trauma, like me, can help survivors develop healthier coping mechanisms and build a more positive self-image.

Understanding that these patterns are not fixed, with support and self-compassion, we can overcome our past and create a fulfilling future.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Carnes, P. (2001). Out of the shadows: Understanding sexual addiction (3rd ed.). Hazelden Publishing.

Firestone, L. (2013). Conquer your critical inner voice: A revolutionary program to counter negative thoughts and live free from imagined limitations. New Harbinger Publications.

Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors: Overcoming internal self-alienation. Routledge.

Herman, J. L. (2015). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence--from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.

Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. The Guilford Press.

Kolb, B. (2014). The brain's way of healing: Remarkable discoveries and recoveries from the frontiers of neuroplasticity. Viking.

Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the tiger: Healing trauma: The innate capacity to transform overwhelming experiences. North Atlantic Books.

Maté, G. (2003). When the body says no: Exploring the stress-disease connection. Wiley.

Scaer, R. (2001). The body bears the burden: Trauma, dissociation, and disease. Haworth Press.

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.