10 Neurodiverse conversational dynamics that we all need to know…

Friday, May 17, 2024.

The problem with neurodiversity is that we often discuss human differences through a neuro-ordinary filter.

Here are 10 neurodivergent conversational dynamics that we all should know.

1. Deep Diving Into One Singular Topic

Ever find yourself chatting about the weather only to suddenly be knee-deep in a conversation about the archaeology of Roman towns in England, the best dog breeds, or the wonders of hypnosis? Many neurodiverse folks have special interests and love sharing them. It's their way of connecting. So, if you find yourself learning more about border collies than you ever thought possible, roll with it—you might discover a new passion yourself!

2. Looking Away During a Conversation

Eye contact is overrated. Seriously. Neurodiverse people often focus better on what you're saying without looking directly at you. It’s not that they’re not paying attention—in fact, they might be listening more intently than anyone else in the room. Think of it as their superpower: absorbing every word without the distraction of your (probably lovely) face.

3. Using Voice Volume to Reflect their Level of Energy, or a Presenting with a Monotone Voice

Ever notice someone's voice going from a whisper to a shout in the same conversation? That's interoception at play—a fancy term for body awareness, which can be a bit wonky for many autistic people. Their voice volume might fluctuate with their energy levels, or they might speak in a steady monotone. Either way, it’s all part of their unique charm.

4. Honesty Is Utterly Paramount

If you want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, ask a neurodiverse human.

Rule-governed and literal thinking means that honesty is often a big deal.

While some might sprinkle white lies to keep the peace, many neurodiverse partners believe in telling it like it is. It’s all about justice and fairness, so brace yourself for refreshing (and sometimes brutally honest) conversations.

5. Asking Clarifying Questions

Autistic folks are the champions of clarity. If something isn’t crystal clear, they’ll ask questions in serial fashion until it is.

What’s obvious to you might not be to them, and vice versa.

Precision and accuracy are often key, so don’t be surprised if you get a barrage of questions aimed at understanding every detail of your story about that time you got lost in a corn maze.

6. Headphones Are OK, Overwhelm is Real, and Shutdowns and Meltdowns May Happen from Time to Time

Sensory overload might be a real challenge.

Headphones or earplugs can be lifesavers in loud environments. It doesn't mean they don't want to chat; it just helps them manage the noise. Sometimes, sensory overload can lead to shutdowns—think of it as the brain hitting the reset button. It’s not about being rude; they just need a moment to recharge.

7. The Magic of Penguin Pebbling

Looking for a unique way to show affection? How about sharing a favorite photo, a tiny piece of candy, or a heartfelt note?

This "penguin pebbling" is an adorable autistic custom. Penguin pebbling is a neurodivergent version of one of the commonly understood love language of gift giving.

However, instead of gifting jewelry, trips, or other items, penguin pebbling is all about giving the other partner smaller things that are more interesting or meaningful to the ND person. It can also mean giving the other person something you know they’re interested in or would find fascinating.

It’s a straightforward and meaningful way to express connection; sometimes, these small gestures speak louder than words. What’s also true is that many autistic people form strong attachments to objects, making these tokens extra special, and infused with meaning.

8. Literal Speech

Sarcasm and humor can be tricky territory. Autistic individuals often take things literally, so that joke about the sky falling might lead to a conversation about meteorology. It’s not that they don’t have a sense of humor; it’s just tuned differently. When in doubt, clarity is key—leave the double entendres for another time.

9. Equality

Forget social hierarchies! Many autistic people treat everyone the same, regardless of status. Whether you're the CEO or the janitor, expect the same level of respect and directness. It’s all about equality and fairness, so don’t be surprised if you get the same straightforward conversation in the boardroom as you do in the break room.

10. Settling Conflicts Right Now (If Possible)

Got a conflict? Let’s resolve it—now. Many autistic partners have a monotropic focus, meaning they zero in on one thing at a time. If there's a disagreement, they want to sort it out immediately. Avoiding the issue isn’t their style. If you need more time, just say so directly. They’ll appreciate the honesty and be ready to tackle it when you are.

By embracing these autistic communication customs with humor and empathy, you'll foster better understanding and create stronger connections. Remember, it's all about celebrating the diversity of human interaction—one richly detailed conversation at a time.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.