How to manage an Asperger’s Meltdown

Friday, May 17, 2024. Revised and updated.

From a neurotypical (NT) point of view, an Asperger’s meltdown is when an Aspie experiences a temporary loss of emotional control.

It’s also known as Neurodivergent Burnout. Also Autism Defense Mode.

The language we use to describe human experience continues to evolve. Perhaps there’s a even a better term for it now…

Whatever we choose to call it, I’m describing a state of profound overwhelm in which no new information can be processed. Meltdowns typically don’t last long and are often triggered by specific stimuli such as excess external stimulation, compounding stressors, or abrupt and significant changes.

If you’re an Aspie or married to one, understanding the accumulated stressors that contribute to a meltdown scenario is essential.

The Neurotypical Partner’s Perspective

First, let’s address the neurotypical partner’s (NT) narrative. Your Aspie spouse is not having a temper tantrum, nor are they seeking to control you. You can’t stop an Asperger’s meltdown by agreeing with them or yielding. They are not trying to intimidate you or force you to comply. Quite simply, through no fault of their own, their nervous system has become overwhelmed.

It’s no longer about the presenting issue; it’s now about the state of being overwhelmed. This is why diagnosis and psycho-education are essential first steps for helping neurodiverse couples.

The Importance of Protocol and Best Practices

If you are in a neurodiverse marriage, you need a protocol and a set of customized “best practices” for helping your partner deal with their meltdowns. Criticizing your partner is not appropriate and can even make the meltdown worse. Some Aspies are keenly self-aware during a meltdown, while others remember little.

Their anxiety spikes as they worry, “Am I going to be seen as crazy or a jerk? Will this hurt my relationship or my career?” Unfortunately, anxious thoughts like these may only serve to fuel and accelerate a meltdown. It’s hard for NTs to appreciate that an Asperger’s meltdown is an involuntary nervous system overload.

“The hegemony of normalcy is, like other hegemonic practices, so effective because of its invisibility.” - Lennard Davis

Managing Meltdowns: Best Practices

1. Remember, It’s Involuntary

Please do not rely on NT sensibilities like anger or temper. Sure, an Asperger’s meltdown looks like a fit of rage, and you usually would try to calm an angry NT down. That doesn’t work with meltdowns and might even make it worse. Step back and let them be.

2. Discuss Meltdown Management and Prevention

Have generative conversations about the specific triggers that precede a meltdown. Crowded situations? Communication issues? Fluorescent lighting? Loud sounds? Sudden changes in familiar routines? Take care to develop an ecology of triggers. Keep a journal of meltdown experiences and deconstruct them with granularity. This careful analysis will help you both to avoid or curb situations that might encourage a meltdown.

3. Plan for Meltdowns with a Couples Therapist

A good couples therapist will help you learn to manage a meltdown in progress. Beware the “hegemony of normalcy.” It’s not unusual that what the Aspie most needs during a meltdown may be anxiety-provoking for the NT partner. Talk it through in detail with a therapist trained in neurodiverse couples therapy. I can help with that.

4. Anger Management or DBT

Some Aspies tend to rage during a meltdown. Raging and other abusive behavior is not okay and should not be tolerated. Your Aspie partner may need specific help to change that behavior.

5. Do Not Engage—Run Out the Clock

This will be hard for an NT spouse because they might be startled or scared. Don’t insert yourself by trying to make the situation better with too many words.

6. Be Present but Not Active

It’s okay that they know you are there. Just don’t try to verbally contain the situation.

7. Don’t Ask for Words

Words require clarity and judgment, both of which are in short supply right now.

8. Curb Your NT Sensibilities

Don’t assume that touch will soothe them. You love them, but right now they are in sensory overload. Touching them probably won’t help. And remember, just because their physical behaviors during a meltdown may be alarming to you, the idea that they are self-destructive is a false NT narrative. Hand flapping, scratching, odd gestures, even head-banging are all attempts to restore balance to their nervous system.

9. Maintain Dignity

Aspies might want to preserve their sense of dignity while in an involuntary state of meltdown. But your dignity is also essential. If their safety during a meltdown is not a concern, perhaps you could keep yourself calmer by leaving their presence. Most Aspies can safely experience meltdowns without being a danger to themselves, but your situation may differ. Perhaps for you and your partner, your close presence is calming. Discuss this thoroughly. Become an expert on the Asperger’s meltdown cycle in your marriage and share what works for both of you.

Managing Pre-Meltdown Moments with Skill

If you’re the neurotypical (NT) partner, listen to your spouse. If they’re having a bad time, help them to exit that environment quickly. Establish a protocol that you can both trust and rely on. Become familiar with situations that promote Asperger’s meltdowns and establish routines that keep your Aspie partner away from stressful situations. Some places and circumstances are hard to avoid, so let’s talk about the critical phase before a meltdown begins.

Before the Asperger’s Meltdown: Be Ready to Rumble

Watch for the Rumble

It’s common for Aspies to have a period of acute distress before a meltdown. This is the “rumbling stage.” Both of you must be experts in recognizing the particular constellation of behaviors in your shared rumble experience.

Rumble Clues Can Vary

That’s why keeping a meltdown journal is essential. Signs of a coming meltdown could be silence, nonstop talking, stillness, physical rocking, difficulty breathing, or a racing heart. During the rumble, something is coming, and it might be preventable.

Consider “Fidget Toys”

Fidget toys may be helpful, or you may need to change your environment to get away from people. Changing your breathing pattern may also help. This is a personal experience. Discuss what’s needed explicitly in advance.

Understand the Purpose of the Meltdown

Meltdowns are a reset for the Aspie’s nervous system. Think of them as a necessary outcome because they happen. You’re both hopefully managing and minimizing the conditions that promote a meltdown. Once a meltdown is firmly underway, you understand its arc and trajectory. You know what to do because you’ve carefully planned for it in advance.

Removing the Offensive Stimulus

A general rule of thumb is that the Aspie needs to get away from the offending stimulus. With autistic children, this strategy is called “antiseptic bouncing.” Get them out of that environment in a non-confrontational manner as swiftly as you can.

Moving closer to your spouse can be a calming, non-verbal way to show support. When you see that their behavior suggests they’re in the rumbling stage, you might try to calm them with proximity control before antiseptic bouncing.

Support from Routine

Remind your Aspie spouse of the agreed-upon plan for the day. For example, you see your spouse just starting to exhibit their particular rumbling behavior. You might move closer to them (proximity control) and say, “I think we should move on to Aunt Mary’s house as we planned” (antiseptic bouncing and support from routine).

The key idea is that the order and structure for these moves are discussed in detail in advance. It’s simply a protocol.

The Importance of a Home Base

Another key idea is to get to the home base environment. A home base is a unique, quiet, low-stimulus environment, typically in a home setting. While your mileage may vary, many Aspies report that they want to be alone in a home base environment where they can either sleep, take a bath, or listen to music. All these states have a minimum of taxing physical stimulus in common.

After talking this through with your Aspie partner, you may create a meltdown kit for when you leave the house. High-end noise-canceling headphones, a fidget toy, and a puzzles app loaded and ready on their smartphone can be essential tools.

Understanding Sensory Overload

Unlike neurotypicals, Aspies are sensitive to their environments and often have sensory experiences that are profoundly different from their NT spouses. Smells can induce nausea, a light touch on the skin can burn, fluorescent lighting can induce an immediate crippling migraine, and the noise of a crowd can sound deafening.

Debriefing After a Meltdown

Make sure you have a debrief after every Asperger’s meltdown.

What were the factors leading up to the rumble stage? How was the meltdown managed? What worked? What didn’t? What could have been better? What didn’t we try that we want to explore next time? Aspies can help the situation by acquiring the education and social supports needed to help manage their meltdown experience with their NT partner as carefully as possible.

Accept that a meltdown is sometimes preventable but a necessary involuntary response to a somewhat predictable set of stimuli. As a couple, you’ll want to become an expert on how your Asperger’s meltdowns occur and precisely what works for you in curbing their impact.

By understanding and implementing these strategies, neurodiverse couples can better navigate the challenges of Asperger’s meltdowns, fostering a more supportive and harmonious relationship.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

RESEARCH:

Myles, B.S., and Southwick, J. (1999) Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments: Practical Solutions for Tantrums, Rage, and Meltdowns. Shawnee Mission, KS: Autism Asperger Publishing Company.