7 Traits that might indicate Autism
Thursday, July 25, 2024
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is not a personality type, a trend, or a moral failing.
It is a neurodevelopmental pattern—one that shapes perception, attention, energy use, and social processing in highly specific ways.
No single trait “means autism.”
But patterns matter—especially in intimate relationships, where misunderstanding quietly compounds.
What follows are seven traits commonly seen in autistic adults, particularly those in long-term partnerships, along with practical ways couples can adapt without turning love into a remediation project.
A Strong Need for Solitude
Home as a Fortress, Not a Withdrawal
What’s Often Misread:
Many autistic adults require significant alone time to regulate their nervous systems. Home becomes a refuge—not because they dislike people, but because the outside world is neurologically loud.
To a partner, this can feel like emotional absence.
To the autistic partner, it’s maintenance.
What Helps:
Predictable routines. Fewer surprise demands. Explicit permission for solitude that doesn’t require apology.
When social time is needed, gradual exposure works far better than pressure.
Solitude is not rejection. It’s regulation.
Asking Many Follow-Up Questions
Curiosity as Connection
What’s Often Misread:
Some autistic individuals ask detailed, precise follow-up questions—not to interrogate, but to understand. This is often how connection happens.
To a neurotypical partner, it may feel intense or oddly literal.
To the autistic partner, it’s relational effort.
What Helps:
Answer plainly. Appreciate the intent.
When needed, help shape conversational pacing rather than shutting curiosity down.
Interest is not intrusion.
Deep Focus on Passions
Monotropic Attention, Not Obsession
What’s Often Misread:
Autistic adults frequently invest deeply in specific interests. These are not hobbies in the casual sense—they are stabilizing, identity-anchoring, and often restorative.
To a partner, this can feel like emotional neglect.
To the autistic partner, it’s coherence.
What Helps:
Support the passion and name relational needs clearly.
If one partner feels chronically lonely, this is not a character flaw—it’s a systems problem.
This is exactly where science-based couples therapy can help translate needs across neurotypes.
Appearing “In Their Own World”
Not a Lack of Empathy—A Difference in Attention
What’s Often Misread:
Autistic folks may seem absorbed, distant, or unaware of subtle emotional cues. This is not indifference. It’s attentional load.
Empathy may be present—but expressed differently.
What Helps:
Clear, concrete AF, literal communication.
Minimal metaphors. Fewer hints.
State needs plainly and without shame.
Mind-reading is not a fair expectation in any relationship—especially neurodiverse ones.
Difficulty Multitasking
Monotropic Focus in Action
What’s Often Misread:
Many autistic adults function best when doing one thing at a time. Multitasking isn’t just inefficient—it can be neurologically disruptive.
What Helps:
Single-task environments. Written steps. Visual schedules.
Patience around task-switching.
Depth often comes at the cost of speed—and that’s not a defect.
Heightened Sensitivity to Noise
The Nervous System Has a Volume Dial
What’s Often Misread:
Sudden or loud noises can trigger real physiological stress—not irritation, not preference, but overload.
What Helps:
Quiet spaces. Noise-canceling headphones. A retreat that is always available.
Curiosity helps more than correction.
Making Lists (and More Lists)
Order as Emotional Regulation
What’s Often Misread:
List-making is not rigidity—it’s cognitive scaffolding.
Organizing information helps many autistic individuals feel grounded and competent.
What Helps:
Respect the system. Use it. Learn from it.
Lists often benefit everyone—whether they admit it or not.
What This Means for Couples
Autism in relationships is not about fixing one partner.
It’s about building translation bridges between nervous systems.
Most conflict in neurodiverse couples comes from:
Unspoken assumptions.
Mismatched communication styles.
Different energy economies.
None of these are moral failures.
Therapist’s Note (For Couples Reading This Together)
If one of you keeps saying, “I feel invisible,”
and the other keeps saying, “I don’t know what you want from me,”
this is not a dead end.
It’s a signal that your relationship needs structure, not blame.
A therapist trained in neurodiverse dynamics can help you design a relationship that actually fits the brains inside it—rather than forcing one partner to perform normalcy.
Final Thoughts
Autism is not rare.
Neurodiverse couples are not broken.
And love does not require sameness to survive.
Understanding these traits isn’t about labeling—it’s about reducing unnecessary harm.
We need many kinds of minds for this moment in history.
Especially the ones that notice what others miss.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
