7 Toxic texting habits of narcissists: When every ping is a red flag
Wednesday, June 19, 2024.
Texting can be a wonderful way to stay connected, but when you're dealing with a narcissist, your phone can feel more like a ticking time bomb.
Here’s a guide to 7 toxic texting habits of narcissists, complete with explanations of why they do it.
1. Love Bombing Texts: The Texting Overload
At first, you feel like the most important person in the world. Your phone is blowing up with messages that make you feel like you’re living in a romance novel. “Good morning, gorgeous! 🌹” “I can’t stop thinking about you 😍” It’s all very thrilling until it’s not.
Why They Do It: Love bombing is about creating an illusion of perfect love to reel you in. According to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, “Love bombing is a manipulative tactic used to gain control over you by overwhelming you with affection.” They flood you with texts to make you dependent on their constant attention.
Love bombing isn't just about making you feel special; it’s about conditioning you to expect this level of attention. When they inevitably pull back, you’ll be left craving those dopamine hits, making you more pliable to their demands. As Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, points out, “The intense affection during the love-bombing phase can make the subsequent devaluation feel even more devastating.”
2. Sexting for 3 Reasons
Narcissists have a few ulterior motives when it comes to sexting. They might be using you for sex, trying to make you addicted to them through sexual intimacy, or gathering sensitive information to use against you later. It’s like playing a game where you don’t know the rules, but they do.
Why They Do It:
Using You for Sex: Narcissists often see people as objects to fulfill their needs. “Narcissists view others as mere extensions of themselves, existing to meet their own needs,” says Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism.
Addiction Through Sex: They believe keeping you hooked sexually will make you less likely to leave. Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains, “Sex can be a powerful tool for creating a bond, making you feel closer and more connected, even if the relationship is toxic.”
Gathering Info: Any personal detail can be weaponized later if you step out of line. “Narcissists are always looking for leverage. Personal and intimate details can be used to manipulate or blackmail you,” warns Dr. Karyl McBride, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
Sexting with a narcissist isn’t about mutual enjoyment; it’s about control. They may push boundaries and request explicit content, knowing that they can use these exchanges to manipulate you later.
3. Intermittent Ghosting: The Vanishing Act
One day, they're texting you non-stop. The next, they've vanished into thin air, leaving your messages on “read” for days. This hot-and-cold behavior keeps you on edge, always wondering what you did wrong.
Why They Do It: Intermittent ghosting keeps you anxious and seeking their approval. It’s a control tactic to make sure you’re always thinking about them and willing to jump when they reappear. Dr. Les Carter, author of When Pleasing You Is Killing Me, explains, “The unpredictability keeps you hooked, constantly trying to regain their attention.”
The periods of silence are strategic. They condition you to accept and even expect their neglect, making you grateful for any crumbs of attention they later offer. This creates a cycle of dependency where your self-worth becomes tied to their intermittent validation.
4. Urgent Demanding Texts: The Command Center
Narcissists love to send texts that require immediate action. “Call me NOW!” “I need you to do this ASAP!” Your phone turns into a tool of their demands, and the sense of urgency creates unnecessary stress.
Why They Do It: Urgent texts are a way to assert dominance and control over your time and attention. Dr. Craig Malkin explains, “Narcissists thrive on making others feel responsible for their needs and crises.” These urgent demands are designed to keep you in a state of high alert, prioritizing their needs over your own.
This behavior creates an environment where you are always on edge, ready to respond at a moment's notice. The constant stress and urgency can take a toll on your mental health, making it harder for you to recognize the manipulation at play.
5. Random, Out-of-the-Blue, Heartfelt Conversations by Text
Just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they send a deeply emotional message out of nowhere. “I’ve been thinking a lot about us and our future...” These texts often feel out of place and catch you off guard.
Why They Do It: These heartfelt texts are designed to pull you back in when you start to distance yourself. It’s a tactic to regain your emotional investment and keep you hooked. Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes, “These random declarations of affection are strategic, aimed at keeping you emotionally tied to them.”
These messages serve as a reminder of the love bombing phase, rekindling the emotions that initially drew you in. They can create confusion, making you second-guess your decision to distance yourself from the relationship.
6. Nonsensical Texts: The Confusion Game
Ever received a text that makes absolutely no sense? “The blue elephant flies at midnight.” You’re left scratching your head, wondering if they’re joking or if you missed some vital context.
Why They Do It: Sending nonsensical texts can be a way to confuse and disorient you. It keeps you off balance and always trying to decode their messages, which means you’re spending more mental energy on them.
“Nonsensical communication keeps you in a state of confusion and dependency, constantly trying to make sense of their erratic behavior,” explains Dr. Sandy Hotchkiss, author of Why Is It Always About You?.
This tactic can make you doubt your own perceptions and judgments. By keeping you guessing, they ensure that you remain focused on them, always trying to interpret their cryptic messages.
7. Mixed Messages: The Emotional Yo-Yo
Why They Do It: Mixed messages are a way to keep you emotionally dependent and always guessing. According to Dr. Les Carter, “The inconsistency is deliberate. It keeps you in a state of anxiety and uncertainty.” This tactic ensures that you’re constantly seeking their approval and validation.
Narcissists are masters at sending mixed messages. One moment, it’s “I love you more than anything!” and the next, it’s “I think we need a break.” This constant flip-flopping keeps you emotionally destabilized.
The emotional rollercoaster created by mixed messages can lead to significant psychological distress. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to avoid anything that might trigger a negative response. This dynamic keeps you in a constant state of emotional turmoil, making it difficult to break free from their grip.
Final thoughts
Dealing with a narcissist's texting habits can feel like navigating a minefield.
Each message can be a manipulative tool to control, confuse, and destabilize you. Recognizing these patterns is the first step in protecting your mental and emotional well-being.
If you’ve experienced any of these toxic texting habits, remember you’re not alone. Seek support from friends, family, or a professional therapist to help you navigate this challenging time. And don’t forget to share this article with anyone who might benefit from understanding the narcissist's texting playbook.
By understanding these texting habits, you can begin to reclaim your peace of mind and move towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Remember, your sanity is worth more than any text ping.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
