6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap…
Saturday, March 16, 2024.
The interplay between human attachment styles can profoundly shape partner dynamics.
Drawing from attachment research and insights from esteemed thought leaders, let’s consider the Anxious-Avoidant trap.
I’ve witnessed firsthand the complexities and challenges faced by my clients entrenched in this toxic dynamic.
Let’s examine the nuances of emotional intensity and polarity between Anxious and Avoidant partners so we can uncover the 6 key signs that indicate you might be entangled in this relational pattern…
Understanding Attachment Theory: Attachment theory is at the heart of unraveling the anxious-avoidant trap, pioneered by renowned psychologist John Bowlby.
Building upon Bowlby's groundbreaking work, subsequent researchers such as Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main have expanded our understanding of how attachment styles influence adult relationships. According to attachment theory, humans develop distinct attachment styles—Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, or a combination—based on their early experiences with caregivers in their family of origin.
The Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic: Central to the Anxious-Avoidant trap is the interplay between two polarizing attachment styles: Anxious and Avoidant.
Avoidant behavior is typical for traumatized humans. Those with Complex PTSD particularly struggle to protect themselves rigidly and often have either an Avoidant or Disorganized Attachment style. Their outside looks confident, but inside, they’re just a sad little kid. Avoidance can be either inner-directed or outer-directed.
Anxious humans tend to crave closeness and reassurance in relationships, often exhibiting heightened emotional intensity and fear of abandonment.
Drawing from the work of attachment researchers like Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we understand that anxious partners often seek validation and emotional connection to assuage their deep-seated fears of rejection and abandonment. The source is, as usual, experiences remembered to the bone from their family of origin.
Conversely, Avoidant humans prioritize independence and self-sufficiency, erecting emotional barriers to maintain autonomy and distance. When you stop hiding, you’ll better be able to see. When life gets hard, you’ll need people. Love. Friendship. Not learning how to connect will drain your life of juice and meaning. This is a teachable skill that I had to learn, too!
The work of Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love," sheds light on the Avoidant partner's tendency to suppress their attachment needs and retreat when faced with emotional intimacy. This inherent dichotomy sets the stage for a turbulent dance of push and pull, where the Anxious partner seeks closeness while the Avoidant partner retreats.
6 Signs the Anxious-Avoidant Trap…
Intermittent Closeness and Distance: One hallmark of the Anxious-Avoidant trap is the oscillation between intense intimacy and sudden withdrawal.
Attachment researcher Stan Tatkin, author of "Wired for Love," explains that these fluctuations in emotional closeness can trigger a cascade of anxiety and insecurity in the Anxious partner, further perpetuating the cycle of emotional distancing.
Communication Breakdowns: Despite earnest attempts to bridge the emotional gap, communication often becomes a battleground for Anxious and Avoidant partners. Anxious partners may yearn for deep emotional connection and vulnerability, while Avoidants struggle to express their feelings or retreat into silence when confronted with emotional intimacy.
Couple communication expert John Gottman, author of "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," explains the importance of fostering open and empathetic communication to navigate the challenges posed by the Anxious-Avoidant dynamic. The fundamental skill taught in Gottman Method Couples Therapy is an awareness of how to regulate your own nervous system and help your spouse regulate as well. This is a teachable set of skills. I can help with that.
Fear of Abandonment vs. Fear of Enmeshment: The Anxious partner's fear of abandonment clashes with the Avoidant partner's fear of enmeshment, creating a precarious balancing act between intimacy and autonomy. This underlying fear fuels a cycle of emotional turbulence, where each partner's attachment needs remain unmet, perpetuating feelings of frustration and disillusionment.
Drawing from the work of sex therapist and thought leader David Schnarch, author of "Passionate Marriage," we understand that navigating these conflicting fears requires a willingness to confront underlying insecurities and cultivate a sense of emotional safety within the relationship. The notion of differentiation is essential in understanding an Avoidant human’s fear of engulfment.
Emotional Polarization: Anxious and Avoidant partners often find themselves locked in a cycle of emotional polarization, where one partner's need for closeness intensifies in response to the other's withdrawal, triggering a cascade of heightened emotions and conflict. This polarization is often the chief feature of the Anxious-Avoidant trap.
Stan Tatkin, author of "Your Brain on Love," explains that this dynamic reinforces negative patterns of interaction, further entrenching the Anxious-Avoidant trap.
Dismissive Responses and Protest Behavior: In moments of vulnerability, Anxious partners may express their needs or concerns, only to be met with dismissive responses or protest behavior from Avoidant partners.
Looking at the attachment research from EFT and the ideas of Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we recognize that these dismissive responses serve as a defense mechanism for the Avoidant partner, masking underlying fears of vulnerability and intimacy.
This dismissiveness reinforces the Anxious partner's insecurities, deepening the rift between them and perpetuating the cycle of emotional distancing.
Repetitive Relationship Patterns: Despite efforts to break free from the Anxious-Avoidant trap, couples often find themselves trapped in repetitive relationship patterns that mirror the dynamics of their attachment styles.
These patterns may manifest as a series of breakup and makeup cycles or a gradual erosion of trust and intimacy over time.
Drawing from the insights of authors Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love," we understand that breaking free from these patterns requires a willingness to confront underlying attachment wounds and cultivate a secure emotional bond within the relationship.
Final thoughts
Breaking free from the Anxious-Avoidant Trap requires a concerted effort from both partners to recognize and address the underlying dynamics at play.
As a couples therapist, I offer a multifaceted approach. I like integrating insights from science-based couples therapy, breaking research, attachment theory, mindfulness practices, and the very best interventions for effective communication strategies, no matter what sort of brain or attachment style you may have.
I’m a human who is committed to a journey of self-discovery and growth. I firmly believe that couples can transcend the constraints of their attachment styles and cultivate deeper intimacy and connection because I’ve seen them do it.
Let’s remain curious about the complexities of human attachment and strive to forge our relationships in compassion, understanding, and mutual respect.
Be well, Stay kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES:
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Attachment (Vol. 1). Basic Books.
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Psychology Press.
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. Attachment in the Preschool Years: Theory, Research, and Intervention, 121-160.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love. Penguin.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. New Harbinger Publications.
