5 Reasons you have a sexless marriage
5/20/23
Forgive me for stating the obvious; sexual intimacy is an essential component of a healthy and fulfilling marriage.
However, many couples find themselves in the distressing situation of a sexless marriage, where emotional connection is tentative, and physical engagement becomes elusive.
What is a sexless marriage?
Sex therapist and thought leader Barry McCarthy says it's one where sexual contact occurs less than 10 times a year.
Couples therapists have been dealing with sexless marriages for decades. It’s been estimated that in 2023, as many as 1 in 5 marriages are sexless.
Researchers Diane Donnelly and Elizabeth Burgess (2008 BC, Before COVID) examined the decision to remain in an “Involuntary Celibate Relationship.”
The research revealed found that in 2008 before COVID, 16 percent of married persons reported not having sex in the month prior to being studied.
A 2014 Relationships in America survey revealed that 12 percent of all married persons aged 18 to 60 reported not having had sex for at least three months prior to being involved in the research project. It’s an open debate whether the social stress from COVID has contributed to a perceived rise in sexless marriages in 2023.
My mentor, thought leader Michele Weiner Davis, a renowned therapist and author who has extensively studied and worked with couples experiencing sexless marriages. In this blog post, I’m gonna delve into Weiner Davis's perspectives on sexless marriages and explore her valuable recommendations for reigniting intimacy.
5 Reasons why you’re in a sexless marriage:
Time Scarcity. We not just experiencing an absence of white space on the calendar, we’re also distracted, overwhelmed and playing hurt with limited bandwith.Consider this: the percentage of partners having sex on a weekly basis plummeted from 45% in 2000 to 36% in 2016.
Undisclosed Resentments. Since the mid 80s, we’ve been trying to figure out life, love, and work. Values have blurred. Our priorities and boundaries are vague and sometimes formless. Chaos and entropy compound the undelivered plates of resentments. These resentments from the living room seep into the bedroom and smother desire.
Power Struggles. Some couples drift into power struggles over what researchers call a sexual desire discrepancy. Research tells us that 80% of partners in a long-term relationship experience a difference in sex drive. Because the lower desire partner controls the incidents of sexual contact, disagreements over sexual frequency can become bitter and entrenched.
Clashing Sexual Styles. The problem is not only that certain sexual styles are incompatible, ( they are…more on that in a future post), the problem is that sexual styles are not conversationally explored.
Unresolved Childhood Trauma. If childhood trauma has impacted your sex life, get the help you need early. Don’t wait.
Understanding the dynamics of a sexless marriage:
Weiner Davis emphasizes that a sexless marriage is not merely defined as a lack of physical intimacy.
It’s emblematic of a deeper rift within the relationship. Michele taught me that couples need to explore any and all underlying factors that contribute to the lack of sexual desire or doing the nasty. These factors may include communication issues, unresolved conflicts, emotional disconnection, or individual psychological factors.
Communication is the Key
One crucial aspect emphasized by Weiner Davis is effective communication.
In a sexless marriage, couples often develop a pattern of conflict avoidance and shallow engagement. They avoid discussions about their intimate lives, which only perpetuates the problem.
Michele encourages couples to openly discuss their needs, desires, and concerns with empathy and understanding. it’s the therapist’s job to create a safe space for dialogue, where couples can begin to address their challenges and work towards mutual understanding.
Initiating Change
Weiner Davis believes that change starts with one partner taking the initiative.
Instead of waiting for the other person to make the first move, she suggests that individuals should take responsibility for their own satisfaction and actively work towards improving their sex lives. This can involve exploring one's desires, engaging in self-reflection, and discussing potential changes or experiments with their partner.
Creating a Shared Vision
A sexless marriage often lacks a shared vision of what a fulfilling intimate life looks like for both partners.
Weiner Davis advocates for couples to engage in conversations that go beyond the mere act of sex itself and focus on the emotional connection, romance, and intimacy they wish to experience. By aligning their desires and their aspirations, couples can work together to slowly rebuild their intimate lives.
Seeking Professional Sex Therapy Help if Needed
In some cases, overcoming the challenges of a sexless marriage may require the assistance of a professional sex therapist.
Weiner Davis suggests that seeking professional help can provide couples with the necessary guidance, support, and strategies to navigate their specific circumstances. Therapists specialized in couples' therapy can help address the underlying issues contributing to the sexless marriage and assist in reestablishing physical and emotional intimacy.
Final Thoughts
A sexless marriage can be a distressing experience for couples, but it doesn't have to be the end of intimacy and connection.
Michelle Weiner Davis's expertise offers invaluable insights into understanding and addressing the challenges faced by couples in sexless marriages.
There are several key themes to pulling your nose up out of a sexless tail spin. Prioritize open communication, take individual responsibility, and get some good couples therapy.
With the right help, motivated couples can embark on a journey of reigniting their physical and emotional connection. Remember, it takes a mutual effort, understanding, and a shared commitment to revive intimacy and rebuild a satisfying and fulfilling partnership.
RESEARCH:
Denise Donnelly, Elisabeth Burgess, Sally Anderson, Regina Davis and Joy Dillard, The Journal of Sex Research. Vol. 38, No. 2 (May, 2001), pp. 159-169 (11 pages) Published By: Taylor & Francis, Ltd.
McCarthy B., McCarthy E. (2014). Rekindling desire (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Routledge.
Weiner-Davis, M. (1992). Divorce busting: A step-by-step approach to making your marriage loving again. New York: Simon & Shuster.
Weiner-Davis, M. (2007). The sex-starved marriage: Boosting your marriage libido: A couples guide. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Weiner-Davis, M. (2017). Healing from infidelity. Illinois: Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corporation.
