5 Money problems in a marriage that are top predictors of divorce…
Saturday, May 18, 2024: Revised and updated.
5 Money problems in a marriage that are top predictors of divorce
A Deep Dive into Money Problems in Marriage…
Money is often a silent wedge driving couples apart, with research indicating that it's a top predictor of divorce. Understanding the intricacies of how money problems manifest in marriages can shed light on these issues:
Financial Autonomy vs. Unity: While splitting bills down the middle may seem fair, it can breed resentment. Financial autonomy can hinder the development of a shared financial identity, making it harder to build a unified approach to money.
Research on money problems in a marriage
A recent survey of over 4,500 couples disclosed that when there are money problems in a marriage, couples tend to use the harshest and most contemptuous language. And contempt is a known predictor of divorce.
The arguments are also more intense and persist much longer than any other kind of argument.
Arguments about money also take longer than any other kind of argument to recover from.
The more arguments about money couples have, the less empathy they have for each other’s point of view.
The less empathy and understanding they have for their spouses’ perspectives, the less satisfied they are with their spouses.
Dr. Sonya Britt-Lutter, the co-author of the study, had this to say about money problems in a marriage:
“Arguments about money is by far the top predictor of divorce. It’s not children, in-laws or anything else. It’s money — for both men and women.”
Dr. Britt-Lutter explained the design of the study and the results:
“In the study, we controlled for income, debt and net worth. Results revealed it didn’t matter how much you made or how much you were worth. Arguments about money are the top predictor of divorce because it happens at all levels.”
The researchers found that when couples argue about money early in the relationship, it does not bode well for their future marital security.
Dr. Britt-Lutter had this to say about the persistence of money problems in a marriage:
“You can measure people’s money arguments when they are very first married. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, but when they were first together and already arguing about money, there is a good chance they are going to have poor relationship satisfaction.”
People who are stressed about money tend to avoid discussing the issue, which makes the topic of money a constant source of conflict.
Dr. Britt-Lutter said if you fail to plan, you’re planning to fail, but stress is the key factor. Other research also backs her up. Living in constant financial stress can lower your IQ by 15 points or more:
“…people who are stressed are very short-term focused. They don’t plan for the future. If you can reduce stress, you can increase planning. If the money is not being treated fairly in the household, then the relationship satisfaction is going to be lower.”
Personality Clash: Differences in money values, shaped by upbringing and personal experiences, can lead to clashes. Couples need to engage in meta-conversations about money's meaning to align their goals and values.
Power Dynamics: Income disparities or sudden wealth can disrupt the balance of power in a relationship. The higher-earning partner may assume control over financial decisions, leading to feelings of disempowerment and conflict.
Parenting Pressures: The cost of raising children can strain a marriage, especially when couples disagree on how to spend on their kids. Disagreements over education, extracurricular activities, and other child-related expenses can escalate into major conflicts.
Financial Gambles: Entrepreneurs and risk-takers may take financial risks without consulting their partners. This can lead to feelings of mistrust and insecurity, especially if the risk results in financial loss.
Communication Breakdown: Money problems often stem from poor communication. Couples who avoid discussing money or use harsh language during financial discussions are more likely to face marital issues.
Role of Therapy: Couples therapy can help navigate these challenges by fostering open, honest communication and helping couples understand each other's financial values and goals.
Long-Term Impact: Money issues early in a relationship can have lasting effects. Couples who argue about money at the beginning of their relationship are more likely to experience poor relationship satisfaction in the long run.
Addressing money problems in marriage requires empathy, understanding, and effective communication. Couples who can navigate these challenges together are more likely to build a strong, resilient relationship that can withstand financial ups and downs.
The way you handle money problems in a marriage is the number 1 predictor of divorce according to a recent study. In addition to this new scientific research, a recent informal poll by “Money Magazine” suggested that couples fight about money twice as much as they fight about sex. And conflicts over cash can even show up in pre-marital counseling as well. Here are 5 money problems in a marriage that can strain you to the breaking point:
Whose money ways for what bills?
We no longer live in households with a rigid division of labor. Often in two-career households, values can clash around saving, spending, and investing.
Some couples decide to split household bills right down the middle or seek agreement through a “who pays for what” strategy.
It sounds like a reasonable plan, but the process often creates lingering resentment when large-ticket individual purchases are made.
Separate but “equal” financial lifestyles can be problematic.
Couples often report that they feel blindsided by separate finances, and it becomes more difficult to develop a sense of “we-ness” when there are two wallets.
Differences and dollars
Personality differences often complicate marital financial discussions.
You’re two separate people with different thoughts, needs, and aspirations. Have a meta-conversation about the meaning of money, and see if you can reach some degree of alignment over your most important shared goals and dreams. Otherwise, your differences may lead to frequent clashes over conflicting values.
Money problems in a marriage are often due to power plays
Power plays are often predictors of divorce. They often happen when spouses have a large inequity in their earning power. It may be a temporary bout of unemployment, or a more entrenched, ongoing, career-based income disparity.
Differences in socio-economic class can sometimes be a factor. Money problems in marriage arise from imbalances in power, decision-making, and transparency.
For example, recently, I spoke to a woman who was seeking couples therapy because she became highly annoyed when her husband sold his company for 100 million dollars and proceeded to engage in what she felt was “frivolous spending.”
“I am working class, and I always will be working class, I clean my own damn house and shop at Walmart,” she said with pride.
When sudden money happens, the spouse responsible for the sudden cash often expects to dictate the family’s spending priorities. When teamwork goes out of the window, nasty arguments about money usually follow.
A recent study also indicated that infidelity was correlated with an extreme disparity in earning power. This research was independent of gender or who was earning more. Income and resource disparities are inherently de-stabilizing for couples
Money problems in marriage…the bottom line for love or money
Communication is the key to most marital financial challenges. Poor communication is also a well-known predictor of divorce. Being open, direct, and transparent about financial obligations can help you both decide how to deal with it as a united front.
Have a meta-discussion about the important values in life. Decide, don’t slide in significant decisions, such as having children.
Have a frank discussion about power and decision-making. The power play issues can get ugly fast and are a predictor of divorce. Few things build resentment more quickly than feeling marginalized, powerless, and kept in the dark by your spouse.
If you’ve got the cash, you need to be sensitive about how you throw your weight around. And if you’re not the spouse with the spending power, expect to feel occasional stress and tension.
Research tells us that the later you marry, the more money problems you will have, particularly with issues of power and decision-making.
I’ve seen situations where a political decision soothed the power difference. Sometimes, the higher-earning spouse delegated the important spending decisions to their lower-earning or non-earning partners. This was a way of bestowing respect and assuring them a role in decision-making.
It takes a sense of security and maturity to give up power, but if you have abundant trust in your partner, it just might work. Sharing power fosters a sense of “we-ness.” If you’ve read this far, let me know. Maybe we can talk.
Talk about your values, and consider learning how Generative Conversations can make important decisions as a team.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
Get coaching for squabbles about money that muck up your marriage…
