How to Soothe Anxious Attachment…

Thursday, March 7, 2024. Revised March 26, 2024.

How to Soothe Anxious Attachment: Insights from Leading Relationship Experts

Are you or your partner struggling with Anxious Attachment?

Understanding and managing this attachment style is crucial for fostering healthy, secure relationships.

Drawing from social science research and the expertise of renowned relationship therapists like Susan Johnson, John Gottman, and Esther Perel, let's explore effective strategies for soothing Anxious Attachment…

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) by Susan Johnson: Susan Johnson, the pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), emphasizes the importance of creating secure emotional bonds in relationships. EFT focuses on identifying and addressing underlying emotional needs, which is particularly beneficial for individuals with Anxious Attachment. By promoting open communication and empathetic understanding, EFT helps couples develop greater intimacy and security in their relationships (Johnson, 2004).

• The Gottman Method: John Gottman's research on marital stability and relationship dynamics provides valuable insights into managing Anxious Attachment. The Gottman Method emphasizes building trust and fostering positive interactions between partners. Techniques such as "turning towards bids for connection" and "building love maps" help anxious individuals feel valued and supported in their relationships, reducing feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

• Esther Perel's Approach to Intimacy and Desire: Esther Perel's work on intimacy, desire, and infidelity offers a unique perspective on addressing Anxious Attachment. Perel emphasizes the significance of maintaining individual autonomy and desire within relationships.

  For anxious partners who may fear losing their partner's love and attention, Perel suggests cultivating a sense of self-worth and independence. By nurturing personal passions and interests, anxious humans can build confidence and resilience, reducing dependency on their partners for validation (Perel, 2017).

• Social Science Studies Supporting Attachment Theory: Numerous social science studies support the efficacy of attachment-based interventions for soothing Anxious Attachment. Research by Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) highlights the role of Secure Attachment in buffering against relationship stress and promoting emotional well-being. Feeney, Noller, and Hanrahan (1994) emphasize the importance of assessing adult Attachment Styles in understanding relationship dynamics and guiding therapeutic interventions.

Here’s how you’ll know that your Anxious Attachment is beginning to be soothed…

• You Start to See Bodily and Emotional Experiences as Information to Consider, Not to Comply With Faithfully.

• You Stop Idealizing Your Past and Present. Pause and Slow Down. How Do You Make Sense of This? Surrender your Story.

• Instead of People-Pleasing…You Develop Mutuality and Reciprocity… and Change Your Relational Patterns.

• You Identify Your Protest Behaviors When Your Needs Aren’t Met… and Curb Passive Aggression and Indirectness.

Final thoughts

Some of these insights from relationship experts might resonate with you… or not.

But if you can both find a way to discuss what’s not working and what you want instead… that might point you in the right direction.

With evidence-based practices and a good couples therapist, couples can cultivate greater security and intimacy and learn to soothe Anxious Attachment.

Intellectual know-how about what to do is one thing. Intentions do matter. Some things are within your control.

But a history of anxiety will not be overcome instantly or with minimal effort.

Recovering from a maladaptive Attachment Style is a lifelong practice. Although our nervous system will not “completely” heal, our Attachment Styles can often be better managed.

I can help with that.

Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Feeney, J. A., Noller, P., & Hanrahan, M. (1994). Assessing adult attachment. In M. B. Sperling & W. H. Berman (Eds.), Attachment in adults: Clinical and developmental perspectives (pp. 128–152). Guilford Press.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.

Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Routledge.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.

Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. HarperCollins.