3 Saints walk Into a Bar

Sunday, March 9, 2025.

There’s an old joke, the kind that makes seminarians chuckle into their wine cups: three saints walk into a bar.

Except in this case, the bar is the twenty-first century, and the saints—long forgotten by all but the nerdiest hagiographers—have no idea what’s going on.

Saint Drogo: The Man Who Could Bi-Locate anywhere but Chose to Sheep herd Instead

First up is Saint Drogo, patron of coffeehouse workers and the ugliest man in the 12th century, according to both legend and some rather cruel monks.

He was born in Flanders, and he had a rare condition that made him so terrifying to look at that he lived out his days in a tiny hut next to a church.

Unlike most saints, who had dramatic martyrdoms or epic conversions, Drogo had a simple skill set: he could be in two places at once.

And what did he do with this incredible, physics-defying power? Did he start a war? Steal a kingdom? Go into banking?

No. He used it to tend sheep and pray. Which, frankly, should make us all feel bad about ourselves.

If Drogo were alive today, he’d be the perfect model for work-life balance in the era of burnout.

Think about it: the man could literally duplicate himself and still chose to live simply, focusing on what mattered—contemplation, service, and (probably) scaring small children.

In an age where we’re all expected to be in two places at once—Zoom call at noon, soccer practice at five, side hustle at midnight—Saint Drogo reminds us that maybe we don’t need to be everywhere.

Maybe presence, even in one body, is enough.

Saint Christina the Astonishing: Patron Saint of People Who Don’t Fit In

Then there’s Saint Christina the Astonishing, who died at 21, only to resurrect in the middle of her own funeral and levitate into the rafters like an absolute girl-boss.

When she was eventually coaxed down, she announced that she had seen purgatory and would spend the rest of her days suffering on behalf of souls stuck there.

And suffer she did.

She slept in ovens. She threw herself into rivers. She sat in freezing water for hours and ran away from the smell of humans (which, frankly, is relatable if you've ever taken public transport in August).

If Christina were alive today, she’d be a misfit, a disruptor, an awkward outlier. But she’s probably also be working in public health. St Christina the astonishing is also the patron saint of mental health workers.

She’d probably be labeled “weird” in middle school, diagnosed with something in college, and have a therapist who gently advised against spending winters half-submerged in a lake.

But her essential principle—suffering on behalf of others—is incredibly relevant today.

Not that we should all start sleeping in ovens, but Christina’s whole deal was radical empathy.

The world is full of isolated people, stuck in their own versions of purgatory—debt, anxiety, soul-crushing jobs, the endless scroll of doom. Christina reminds us that showing up empathically for others, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it means suffering a little, is one of the most transformative things we can do.

Saint Joseph of Cupertino: The Man Who Literally Couldn’t Function But Became a Saint Anyway

Finally, we meet Saint Joseph of Cupertino, a 17th-century friar who, by all accounts, was not the sharpest tool in the monastic shed.

He struggled to learn, failed at most things, and had a habit of levitating whenever he got too excited about God—which, to be fair, is a fantastic way to get out of unpleasant conversations.

Most people thought he was useless.

He could barely complete his training, and it was only through a bureaucratic accident that he was ordained a priest.

And yet, against all odds, he became a saint.

If Joseph were alive today, he’d be the guy who just barely scraped through school, bombed the SATs, and spent his twenties getting rejection emails. But his life is proof that being bad at conventional success doesn’t mean you’re bad at life.

In an era where we measure people’s worth in productivity, LinkedIn endorsements, and the number of unread emails in their inbox, Joseph reminds us that success—real success—has nothing to do with how well you fit into the machine.

The guy couldn’t function, and yet he changed people’s lives. Maybe we don’t have to hustle so hard. Maybe floating off the ground in excitement over something you love isn’t the worst way to live.

Final Thoughts from the Saints in the Bar

So here they are—Drogo, Christina, and Joseph, standing in a 21st-century bar, looking around at a world buzzing with anxiety, speed, and the endless demand to be more.

Drogo takes a sip of his Kahlua and says, "Maybe you don’t have to do everything. Maybe you just have to be present."

Christina, hovering slightly off the ground, almost spilling her craft beer, smirks. "Empathy’s painful. Do it anyway."

And Joseph, still floating with his flute of Champagne and grinning like a fool, shrugs. "You don’t have to be good at everything. Sometimes, it’s enough to love something so much that you lift off the ground."

And with that, they vanish back into my imagination. But their message lingers, settling over us like the smell of old books and lilacs in a quiet cathedral.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.