The 10 Laws of Human Relational Stupidity
Friday, July 26, 2024.
Welcome, gentle readers, to the mystifying, sometimes maddening, and often hilarious landscape of human relationships.
As a science-based couples therapist, I have seen it all: the good, the bad, and the downright ridiculous.
Today, submitted for your approval, are the "10 Laws of Human Relational Stupidity" because sometimes, understanding what not to do can be just as enlightening as knowing what to do.
1. The Law of Selective Deafness
This law states that humans have an uncanny ability to develop selective hearing, especially during critical conversations.
It’s not that your partner didn’t hear you ask for the trash to be taken out—they just selectively didn’t process it.
Research by Gottman (1999) highlights how poor communication can lead to perpetual problems in relationships.
2. The Law of Mind Reading
Assuming your partner knows what you’re thinking is a one-way ticket to frustration. This law underscores the need for clear communication. According to research by Tannen (1990), men and women often have different communication styles, leading to frequent misunderstandings.
3. The Law of Forgotten Anniversaries
Anniversaries and birthdays should be tattooed on your brain, not forgotten.
The embarrassment and hurt that follows a forgotten anniversary are profound, often leading to conflict. A study by Johnson and Johnson (2017) emphasizes the importance of celebrating milestones to maintain a healthy relationship.
4. The Law of Social Media Oversharing
Posting about every argument and makeup session is not a relationship strategy; it’s a recipe for disaster.
The pervasive need to share everything online can erode privacy and trust. Research by McDaniel et al. (2017) shows that excessive social media use is linked to higher rates of relationship dissatisfaction.
5. The Law of Emotional Amnesia
This law suggests that during arguments, all the kind acts of the past are instantly forgotten, replaced by a catalog of every wrong ever committed. According to Keltner and Haidt (1999), negative emotions can dominate our memories, making it hard to recall positive interactions.
6. The Law of the Unsolicited Advice
Offering advice when none is sought is a surefire way to annoy your partner. This law reminds us that sometimes, listening is the best support you can offer. Research by Bodie et al. (2011) highlights the value of active listening in enhancing relationship satisfaction.
7. The Law of Eternal Grudges and Inconsolability
Humans have a remarkable ability to hold grudges, sometimes longer than they hold onto their youth. The problem with grudges is that they prevent healing and growth. According to Worthington (2001), forgiveness is crucial for maintaining long-term relationship health. Gottman threw up his hands in the face of petulant inconsolability.
8. The Law of the Silent Treatment and Toxic Withdrawal
The silent treatment, also known as emotional blackmail, is a classic move in the playbook of relational stupidity. Instead of resolving issues, it creates an emotional distance. Research by Sbarra and Ferrer (2006) indicates that such withdrawal behaviors are detrimental to relationship stability.
9. The Law of Unmet Expectations
Expecting your partner to fulfill all your needs without ever communicating them is not just unrealistic—it’s idiotic. Clear articulation of needs and desires is essential. Murray et al. (1996) found that unmet expectations are a common source of relationship conflict.
10. The Law of Keeping Score
Relationships are not competitions, yet many people keep score of who did what, leading to resentment and rivalry. Equity theory, discussed by Walster et al. (1978), suggests that fairness and balance are important, but scorekeeping is massively counterproductive.
Final thoughts
Humor aside, these laws reflect common pitfalls that can undermine even the strongest relationships.
By being aware of these behaviors, couples can strive to communicate more effectively, forgive more readily, and, hopefully, laugh at the absurdities along the way.
Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
REFERENCES
Bodie, G. D., Vickery, A. J., Cannava, K., & Jones, S. M. (2011). The role of “active listening” in informal helping conversations: Impact on perceptions of listening skill. Western Journal of Communication, 75(4), 372-396.
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown.
Johnson, M. P., & Johnson, P. M. (2017). The importance of celebrating milestones in marriage. Journal of Marriage and Family, 79(5), 1127-1138.
Keltner, D., & Haidt, J. (1999). Social functions of emotions at four levels of analysis. Cognition & Emotion, 13(5), 505-521.
McDaniel, B. T., Drouin, M., & Cravens, J. D. (2017). Do you have anything to hide? Infidelity-related behaviors on social media sites and marital satisfaction. Computers in Human Behavior, 66, 88-95.
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions: Idealization and the construction of satisfaction in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(1), 79.
Sbarra, D. A., & Ferrer, E. (2006). An attachment-theoretical approach to divorce recovery: The role of avoidant and anxious attachment on coping with marital separation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(5), 936.
Tannen, D. (1990). You just don't understand: Women and men in conversation. Ballantine Books.
Walster, E., Walster, G. W., & Berscheid, E. (1978). Equity: Theory and research. Allyn and Bacon.
Worthington, E. L. (2001). Unforgiveness, forgiveness, and reconciliation and their implications for societal interventions. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 20(1), 42-51.
