The most vital insight into gender differences between long-term life partners? …Or just Boomers being Boomers?
Wednesday August 22, 2023.
What’s the most vital insight into gender differences for happiness between long-term life partners?
Researchers in 2016 grappled with that question. Their findings were that when a relationship is firmly established and could be considered “long-term” men and women use profoundly different approaches in dealing with negative emotions from marital conflict.
Over time, it appears that men are uncomfortable expressing negative emotions. What’s particularly interesting is that men, according to research, tend to feel frustrated when either trying to offer or accept emotional support.
But here’s the rub. Skill in both asking for, and bestowing emotional support is fundamental to an intimate bond
Women, on the other hand, are inclined to feel more sadness and anxiety. Women have a preference to describe and express these same negative emotions.
Unlike men, women prefer to talk through emotional issues, no matter whether they are pleasant or not. Women are also far more inclined to offer support.
Women also feel better when they in a relationship in which they can both receive and give loving support and understanding. They also expect to receive loving support from their partners in kind.
Men tend to exhibit discomfort and frustration whether they’re receiving or offering support in such an intimate way.
Deborah Carr, he study’s first author, said:
“The men don’t really want to talk about it or spend too much time thinking about it. Men often don’t want to express vulnerable emotions, while women are much more comfortable expressing sadness or worry.”
How the study was conducted
The researchers had a cohort of 722 couples who had been married for an average of 39 years. As I said earlier, it’s important to note that this was a study of old married couples.
They were asked about their married life, and how their spouse reacted to, and impacted them.
The results showed that giving and receiving support tended to make women feel better… but not men.
The men also reported receiving more emotional support from their wives. However, their wives tended to feel more strain in their marriage.
Professor Carr explained:
“For women, getting a lot of support from their spouse is a positive experience. Older men, however, may feel frustrated receiving lots of support from their wife, especially if it makes them feel helpless or less competent.”
Sadness, worry and frustration are the negative emotions most frequently reported by long-term couples.
Professor Carr made an interesting observation:
“Men who provide high levels of support to their wives may feel this frustration if they believe that they would rather be focusing their energies on another activity.”
The researchers again reminded us, we’re looking at an aging generational dynamic of Baby Boomers.
This is one of those interesting studies which tells us something about a specific population (in this case, long-term Baby Boomer heterosexual marriages).
It is extremely perilous to generalize these findings to other generations. Each generation is marinated in it’s own zeitgeist of understanding intimacy and family life.
Are the researchers too pessimistic?
Because they’re not couples therapists, I fear these researchers might be a bit too pessimistic in understanding their findings.
What if they’re not seeing gender differences that function as impediments to intimacy?
No, what if they’re seeing the dying, disgruntled embers of a restless generation…as well as the accumulation of decades of intimate life devoid of interpersonal skill?
Although subsequent generations are far more open and curious to having happy and intimate family lives, the Boomer Generation, (1946-1964), which is clearly the cohort in this study, experienced a huge degree of interpersonal havoc.
This was the generation that took 6.5 years of misery to enter couples therapy. This is the generation that shocked their adult children with the new phenomena of Grey Divorce , and LAT relationships.
And they kicked it all off with Free Love…
The reason why modern couples therapy has such a robust, evidence-based foundation is because we had to science the sh*t of of a generation of massive size that was trying to grow up and raise families during a time of incredible social transformation.
We have good couples therapy because the Boomers were so fu*king hard on each other in their intimate lives.
This is interesting research. It describes the ruts in the road that emerge after decades of emotional neglect.
Because the Boomers were a traumatized, somewhat self-absorbed generation, let’s not generalize from their example and imagine that we can do no better. We can, and we have already.
Be well and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Deborah Carr and others, Marital Quality and Negative Experienced Well-Being: An Assessment of Actor and Partner Effects Among Older Married Persons, The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, Volume 71, Issue 1, January 2016, Pages 177–187, https://doi.org/10.1093/geronb/gbv073
