The problem with a nagging relationship…
Monday, October 2, 2023. Autumn in the Berkshires…The foliage is shifting to vibrant orange, red, and yellow…breathtakingly gorgeous…
What is a nagging relationship?
Although I’ve written on the dangers of nagging in a previous post, in these acutely stressful times, nagging is on the rise and it’s damaging your nervous systems… as well as the nervous systems of any children whose burden it is to bear witness to your toxic dynamic.
What is nagging?
Nagging is an interaction between humans in which the first human repeats the same request in a serial fashion, to the increasing annoyance and distress of their counter-part.
For simplicity’s sake let’s call these two humans the nagger and the naggee.
The flip side of nagging is that the naggee increasingly refuses to accept influence, as both partners become increasingly annoyed. This is an issue every couple will grapple with this emotional gridlock of a nagging relationship at some point.
While the word itself can evoke sitcom smirks, the dynamic of nagging can potentially be as dangerous to a marriage as sexual, emotional, or financial infidelity.
Researchers tell us that the problem with nagging in a relationship is that it is is exactly the type of toxic communication that can eventually sink a relationship.
Why do we have nagging relationships?
"We have a perception that we won't get what we want from the other person, so we feel we need to keep asking in order to get it," says Scott Wetzler, a psychologist and vice chairman of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Montefiore Medical Center in New York.
The problem with nagging is that it trains the nervous system into a vicious cycle: Nagging is toxic because it inevitably collapses into a “Demand-Withdraw” pattern where the hapless naggee becomes exhausted by the hectoring and whining.
They begin to withdraw, which, in turn, fires up the nagger and drive them to nag once more, with feeling!. Dr. Wetzler explained.
An extremely organized, obsessive, or generally anxious person, may not be able to refrain from giving reminders, especially if the partner is laid back and often does things at the last minute. Other people are naturally slow to act—some might even say lazy—and that slowpoke behavior could bring out the nagger in any human.
Effects of constant nagging…
It is possible for husbands to nag, and their wives, predictably resent them for nagging. I’ve had a few nagging husbands in my practice. It’s not a common dynamic, but what I noticed that the men had in common, was that they were all profoundly self-absorbed.
Women are far more likely to nag, according to researchers.
This is explained by both the innate and socialized traits which incline women to assume the greater responsible for managing home chores and monitoring the quality of family life.
Women also they tend to be far more sensitive to the very earliest signs of conflict in a relationship. When women ask for something and they don't get an answer, their spidey-sense tells them that something is profoundly wrong.
The challenge arises when they make things worse by acting like a dog on a meat wagon.
Men make it worse with defensive fumbling.
When men don't always give a clear answer, they invite trouble. Notice I didn’t say a “right” answer. I said a clear answer.
Sure, a husband might tune his wife out because he is annoyed; nagging can make him feel like a little boy being scolded by his mommy. But many times he doesn't respond because he doesn't know the answer yet, or he suspects the answer will disappoint her…because he really wants to say ’no.’
When a nagging relationship corrodes an intimate bond…
Dr. Howard Markman points out that toxic, free-flowing nagging becomes more problematic when couples start fighting about their nagging habit, rather than going “meta”, and discussing their gridlocked issues, which are the root of the nagging.
Dr. Howard Markman is a professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. He is a deeply respected thought leader and researcher who I have profiled in a previous post.
Dr. Markman’s decades of research indicates that while all couples slide into a nagging habit eventually, Humans who learn how to curb this kind of toxic talk will substantially increase their ability to repair gridlocked situations. These couples manage to stay together in a loving “good enough” relationship. I can help with that.
"Nagging is an enemy of love, if allowed to persist," Dr. Howard Markman.
Here’s how Important this is…Couples who don't acquire these skills may fall out of love…
Markman published research in 2010 suggesting that couples who became unhappy five years into their marriage had a roughly 20% increase in toxic talk consistent with nagging, and a 12% decrease in positive communication.
Science-based couples therapy can help couples replace the nagging habit with more effective communication. If your relationship suffers from a surfeit of nagging, I can help with that.
The compelling power of a reframe…
Is your wife lazy and “letting herself go”… or is she depressed? Is your husband rude and thoughtless, or he he stressed by something he is yet to share with you? Is your wife really saying that you’re unreliable? Or is she just over-functioning as usual, when she is stressed?
My client Nadine used to give her husband Charlie frequent and repetitive reminders to get the oil changed, pick up the dry cleaning, take out the trash, etc.
"I thought I was helping him stay on top of things," sighed Nadine. Charlie was annoyed by her hovering, and, in classic passive-aggressive style, often waited an hour or more before doing what Nadine asked. Then they would start a fight about nothing, and then escalate.
Nadine can respect how her mind pursues order, without assuming a command and control stance over Charlie.
“Now I realize that often, I’m just giving voice to my own anxiety. Sometimes I’ll do it my self, but only if I can do so with a clean heart and no resentment. I make a bit of a spiritual practice in noticing. Charlie usually does just as well without my help.
Do you need “best practices” for curbing nagging in your relationship?
Here are 2 essential tips that may help…
•Calm the Fu*k Down—Both of You! Notice how the nagging dynamic is injuring your relationship and commit to addressing it with a sustained, collaborative effort. You will both need to modify your behavior, and ground rules for managing conflict can make a significant difference.
• Keep an Essential View of What Matters. You Can Only Manage What’s Happening in the Moment. Focus on the big picture, not the granular, street-level details. “Honey, when you ignore me when I ask you a question, I get the distinct feeling that I bore you.”
Here are some additional tips…
No White Knuckling. Protest Instead.. 'Susan, I feel that you don't appreciate what I am already doing when you nag me. Can you please put that a different way? Thanks.'
Make 'I' Statements. Avoid the word ‘You.’ Say, for example, 'Honey, I would really like you to pay the Amex bill on time from now on,' instead of 'You’re so careless… you never pay the credit cards on time.'
Offer up a ‘Because.’ Explain your preferences with clarity, and without apology. 'I worry about our finances when you pay the bill late. I would prefer not to pay late fees.'
Think Outside the Box by Considering Alternative Approaches. Maybe it's worth it to hire a cleaning person, rather than nagging about how dirty the kitchen is.
Manage Your Expectations. Make sure you are asking for something that is not only your preferences, reality check your preferences to confirm that they are as realistic as they are appropriate.
Put your Preference in a Clear and Concrete Time Frame. Declare your preference for your timeframe. Ask your beloved if your preferences are reasonable, and when you can reasonably expect that they will have completed the task? For example, 'Can you get the brakes done this weekend?') Let your partner respond to the full import of your preference, and invite them to tell you what works best for them.
• A Sad Outcome of this Dynamic is How Nagging Creates an Appetite for Passive Aggression. Respond with Honesty, and Remember the Power of Keeping Your Word, Even When the Word is ‘No.’ If you are the naggee, please provide a full and comprehensive response to your partner's ask.
Stop being a Long-Suffering ‘Nice Guy.’
Tell your partner firmly when you can do what they ask. Your word is your bond, Accepting influence, embracing conflict, and taking action, curbs nagging.
Keep your word. Follow through. Do what you say you will do. Be well, stay kind, and Godspeed.
