Why Does My Partner Ignore My Feelings?

Wednesday, February 19,2025. This is another one for David & Amy.

So, your partner has once again responded to your heartfelt sharing with a blank stare, an unhelpful "That sucks," or worse—absolute silence.

Maybe they changed the subject, scrolled their phone mid-conversation, or dismissed your feelings entirely with a well-intentioned but wildly frustrating, "You’re overreacting."

At this point, you may be asking yourself: Are they emotionally stunted? Do they even care? Is this just how relationships work?

Before you draft an impassioned breakup text, let’s explore the science behind emotional neglect—because it’s rarely just about them being a jerk.

The way people respond (or don’t respond) to emotions is shaped by neurobiology, attachment styles, cultural expectations, and personality differences.

Is Your Partner Emotionally Unavailable or Just Different?

First, let’s determine if your partner’s behavior is a difference in emotional processing or an actual disregard for your feelings. There’s a huge distinction between someone who struggles to understand emotional validation and someone who refuses to engage.

A study by Reis & Shaver (1988) found that perceived partner responsiveness—how well a partner acknowledges and validates emotions—is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. Couples who consistently respond to each other’s emotions build deeper intimacy and trust.

A more recent meta-analysis by Verhofstadt et al. (2020) confirmed that perceived emotional validation strongly correlates with long-term relationship stability, particularly in high-stress situations.

However, somewhat contrarian research suggests that some levels of emotional distance may actually be beneficial, for some, in reducing conflict escalation (Overall, McNulty, & Brooks, 2016).

In other words, some souls regulate conflict by disengaging, not because they don’t care, but because they cope with stress through emotional withdrawal rather than confrontation.

The Science Behind Emotional Neglect: Brain Wiring and Attachment Styles

Not all brains process emotions the same way. Some partners ignore feelings not because they don’t care, but because their brain literally does not register emotional cues in the same way yours does.

Neurodivergence and Emotional Blind Spots

• Autistic partners may struggle with reading nonverbal emotional cues (Baron-Cohen, 2001). They may genuinely not realize you need validation unless you explicitly state it.

• ADHD partners may be deeply empathetic but have difficulty staying present in emotionally charged conversations due to executive function challenges (Barkley, 2013). If your partner zones out mid-discussion, it may be neurological, not intentional.

• Alexithymia, a condition where some folks have difficulty identifying and expressing emotions, is more common in men and neurodivergent souls. Studies suggest this can lead to misunderstandings where one partner feels deeply but struggles to articulate it (Taylor & Bagby, 2004).

Attachment Styles and Emotional Avoidance

• Avoidantly attached partners (aka "I don’t do emotions") tend to withdraw from emotional conversations because intimacy triggers stress rather than connection (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).

• Anxiously attached partners (aka "Why don’t you care like I do?") tend to escalate emotional bids, which can overwhelm avoidant or emotionally reserved partners, creating a push-pull dynamic (Simpson & Rholes, 2017).

Interestingly, some research suggests that securely attached souls also withdraw in highly volatile relationships in order to maintain emotional balance (Overall et al., 2013). This means some withdrawal isn’t inherently a sign of avoidance—it can also be a self-protection strategy.

Cultural Conditioning and Emotional Expression in Relationships

Your partner’s lack of responsiveness might not be neurological—it might be deeply ingrained conditioning.

Men Are Socialized to Suppress Emotion

• Studies show that boys are discouraged from expressing emotions other than anger from a young age, leading to lower emotional intelligence in adulthood (Levant et al., 2009).

• Men in some traditional masculine cultures often view emotional discussions as "weakness" rather than intimacy, making them more likely to withdraw (Mahalik et al., 2003).

Women Can Be Emotionally Unresponsive Too

While the stereotype is that men struggle with emotions, research shows that women who are raised in emotionally dismissive households can also develop avoidant tendencies (Cassidy & Kobak, 1988). This means anyone can struggle with emotional validation, regardless of gender.

A study by Segrin et al. (2012) found that partners who grew up in emotionally neglectful homes—regardless of gender—were more likely to struggle with emotional validation in adulthood.

How to Get Your Emotionally Distant Partner to Listen

Now, for the practical part: How do you get a partner who ignores your feelings to actually engage?

Speak Their Language (Not Just Yours)

If your partner is more logical than emotional, try framing things in terms of cause-and-effect.

Example:

"When I feel unheard, I start to withdraw, and that makes me feel less connected to you."
This avoids blame while explaining why emotional responsiveness matters.

Be Direct—They Might Not Be Clueless, Just Oblivious

Some partners need explicit instructions:

"I need you to say, ‘That sounds really frustrating’ instead of ‘Just get over it.’"

If they want a relationship manual, give them one.

Set Realistic Expectations

If your partner has never been emotionally expressive, expecting a sudden transformation into a poet laureate of feelings is probably unreasonable. Small improvements matter.

Therapy: The Fast Track to Emotional Literacy

If emotional neglect is a pattern, science-based couples therapy can help. The Gottman Institute’s research shows that even highly avoidant partners can learn emotional attunement with structured guidance (Gottman & Silver, 1999). If you’ve read this far, I can help with that.

Your Feelings Matter, Too

If your partner ignores your feelings, it’s not always a death sentence for your relationship.

Understanding why and how they struggle with emotional engagement—whether due to neurobiology, attachment wounds, or cultural conditioning—can help you approach the issue with empathy instead of frustration.

That said, your emotional needs deserve to be met. If your partner refuses to acknowledge or work on emotional responsiveness, then it’s worth asking: Is this a growth challenge or a dealbreaker?

Either way, emotional connection isn’t about forcing someone to become you—it’s about learning to meet each other where you are.

Be Well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.

REFERENCES:

Barkley, R. A. (2013). Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: A handbook for diagnosis and treatment. Guilford Press.

Baron-Cohen, S. (2001). Mindblindness: An essay on autism and theory of mind. MIT Press.

Cassidy, J., & Kobak, R. R. (1988). Avoidance and its relation to other defensive processes. Child Development, 59(1), 193-203.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Three Rivers Press.

Levant, R. F., et al. (2009). The gender role socialization of boys to men. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 10(1), 1-14.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Publications.

Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. Handbook of Personal Relationships, 367-389.

Taylor, G. J., & Bagby, R. M. (2004). New trends in alexithymia research. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 73(2), 68-77.