The single best personality trait for a 40+ year marriage…
September 1, 2023. Revised 6/9/24.
In my last post, I discussed how researchers uncovered the “Big Five” personality traits that became the basis for personality research.
In this post, I’ll discuss the most crucial personality trait, or, more accurately, how the absence of one of the “Big Five” personality traits emerged as the single most important indication for marital satisfaction across 4 decades of married life.
Research finds that Humans with very stable emotions tend to have the greatest marital satisfaction. Stable emotions reflect decidedly low levels of the personality trait of neuroticism.
Emotionally stable people (those low in neuroticism) tend not to criticize their spouses. They are also less defensive and less contemptuous. A Gottman trifecta out of the gate!
Having an extroverted, outgoing partner is also linked to higher marital satisfaction.
The researchers noticed that other personality traits also played a role in happy marriages. It’s important to note that both high agreeableness and high conscientiousness were also correlated to relationship satisfaction in uncommitted couples who were casually dating.
It’s not who you are… it’s about your partner…
Just as in having an optimistic partner, some marital satisfaction is found in having a partner who is cooperative and responsible. It’s the virtue of your partner that is essential, not necessarily your own being that way.
Neuroticism was by far, though, the most destructive personality trait. Neuroticism magnifies the attention partners pay to exploring how satisfied they are with their relationship.
The research is as cruel as it is clear…humans with high levels of neuroticism are far more to experience separation and divorce.
To see how beneficial these traits are, imagine for a moment the opposite of someone who is stable, agreeable, and responsible.
When a personality combines high neuroticism, along with dis-agreeable and impulsive behavior, we’re now entering the realm of persistent personality disorders, formerly known as “Cluster B”, but now perceived as the ‘lack-of-self-control’ cluster of personality traits.
It is not hard to see why this set of three personality traits — that are linked to psychopathology and to substance abuse — might tend to stress intimate relationships.
How the study was Conducted
The researchers surveyed 136 dating couples and 74 married couples. All the couples were asked about both their own, and their partner’s personality as well as their degree of relationship satisfaction.
The personality trait of neuroticism — one of the five major aspects of personality — emerged as most salient and deterministic, just as it always has in decades of research ever since the “Big Five” personality traits were identified. Neurotic, negativistic, anxious behavior, is a top-line marital stressor.
Neuroticism scores showed significant predictive power across more than 40 years.
We’ve understood the destructive power of neuroticism for sometime.
Researchers studied 278 couples from the mid-1930s through the early 1980s. The results clearly indicated that study subjects who initially were high on neuroticism, were more likely to become divorced over the course of the study.
My takeaway from this is that we need to understand exactly what neuroticism is, its relationship to trauma and family of origin, and how is can be curbed.
If we’re going to be careful with our language, neuroticism is a trait that reflects a human’s degree of overall emotional stability.
It is often described as a negative personality trait involving negative emotions, poor self-regulation (an inability to manage urges), trouble dealing with stress, a strong reaction to perceived threats, and the tendency to complain..and complain…and complain…. Living with a partner with high neuroticism is both heartbreaking and frustrating.
Neuroticism is a maladaptive trait for the uncertain times we live in…
Neuroticism is the wrong trend for hard times.
Neurotic humans are inclined to exhibit persistent negativity, including anger, anxiety, self-consciousness, irritability, emotional instability, and clinical depression.
Humans are unlucky to have elevated levels of neuroticism, which causes them to respond poorly to all sorts of environmental stress. They even tend to interpret ordinary circumstances as threatening.
Humans with high levels of neuroticism may feel paralyzed by minor setbacks. Neuroticism has become a well-understood, empirically validated, problematic personality trait.
Neuroticism isn’t a “choice.” A substantial pile of research describes a genetic link and how family-of-origin issues may create childhood antecedents. I know something about that, and I can help.
Be well, Stay Kind, and Godspeed.
RESEARCH:
Watson, D. I., Hubbard, B., & Wiese, D. (2000). General traits of personality and affectivity as predictors of satisfaction in intimate relationships: evidence from self- and partner-ratings. Journal of Personality, 68(3), 413-449. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6494.00102
